I [27M] just read some of my mom's [50F] journal where she talks about her marriage with my dad [50M] and my heart's absolutely shattered right now. I want to help but don't know how/if I should.

My parents have been married for 28 years. I had a great childhood in a stable home until I was 18 when I left for college thousands of miles away. We see each other twice a year, talk on a daily basis and have a warm, loving relationship with both of them. My mom is strong, independent, the money maker and head of the family. My dad is funny, playful and very attentive towards me. I love them both to bits and couldn't have asked for better parents.

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Over the years as I've gotten older, all sorts of previously uncovered topics have now become part of our regular chats; things like their hopes and dreams, their fears, their retirement plans... and their marriage. At some point this year they've mentioned, in passing, that they thought about divorcing a number of times since I left home. They both seemed content and chuckled at the thought, so I didn't pay too much attention.

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Fast forward to today. I was transferring my mom's files from one laptop to another (Christmas present) and couldn't help but notice one folder titled Journal. I never knew she kept one, so I opened it out of curiosity. I wasn't planning on reading anything but one file called "marriage" that had been updated earlier this year caught my eye. I knew it was a breach of her privacy, but I went in and opened it.

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The moment I started reading my heart starting pounding in my chest and I got flustered. She had pros and cons lists, letters meant for my dad, vivid descriptions of what he says and does that upsets her, incidents where he embarrassed her by being drunk or made her cry over nothing by saying something cruel (like "why are you offering advice to your niece but not your own son?"), his general apathy towards life and other people (he doesn't like visitors, doesn't have any friends and hates it when mum goes out to coffee with her female friends), his lack of warmth and love towards her, his inability or unwillingness to shield my mom when his family goes crazy and starts attacking her (they claim she's cold, bossy and manipulative and he just sits there paralysed), his drinking problem and how it's made holidays unbearable for her and, the one that really upset me, his remarks that she's not a good mother to me because she hasn't helped me with my eating disorder (I've gained a lot of weight since leaving home, mostly because I'm a lazy sod; but she's always been there to help and guide when I've let her; so what he was saying wasn't true, he was just projecting his own frustration). I knew some of this stuff was happening as I've seen it with my own eyes growing up, but never knew it affected her so much or the extent of it. Everything was also dated going back to 2012. I left home for college in 2010.

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I feel horrible right now. Mostly I just want to hug my mom and tell her everything's going to be OK and that I love her more than anyone else in the world and that without her I wouldn't be the man I am today. I don't want to say I've read her journal as she might feel betrayed, but at the same time it will allow us to openly discuss the situation and maybe find a solution or a way I could help. At the same time, I am quite angry and disappointed with my dad. He's always been incredibly loving towards me, but he's never actually managed to do the same for my mom. And when he drinks, any intelligence, spark or charm he has is drowned, disappears completely and he becomes this shell of a man that's just obnoxious (and sometimes cruel) to be around. He's always been a victim of this addiction, I remember two instances from my childhood where he either came home drunk and bleeding from the head as he had fallen on the sidewalk (I was 8 at the time, home alone and terrified) or another instance where he went missing before our Christmas dinner with the whole family and my uncle had to pick him up from some pub. Needless to say that Christmas was ruined. He's been better at controlling his demons in recent years, but it seems he's just been hiding it better from me, according to my mom's journal. He's quite unhappy, insecure and grumpy and it's really affecting my mom's happiness.

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I don't care if they stay married, I just want both of them to be happy. Things seem to be better now, but it's obvious I'm not good at reading them as I had no clue the situation had been so bad. I want to talk to my mom about it, but not sure if I'll be helping or just butting in. I also want to tell my dad how disappointed I am in his remarks and behaviour, but I know I simply can't because a) he'll blame my mom for keeping records, b) it'll just completely ruin what little time we have to spend together (2 more weeks before I fly out again for 6 months) and c) he doesn't have much good in his life other than me and I fear this might throw him into a self-destructing spiral.

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Any thoughts, anything I can do to help them both, or should I just keep my mouth shut as it's none of my business?!

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TL;DR: read mom's journal where she describes why she's unhappy with her marriage and my dad. I want to say something and try to help, but this could just cause chaos in the family.

Submitted December 27, 2018 at 02:35PM by aardele1 http://bit.ly/2VcqxMe