Required deets:
- Me [28M] Wife [30F]
- Just under 10 years, married the last 3
TL;DR: My wife and I both have had our ups and downs with mental issues, but I feel as though I'm progressing, and if anything, she's getting worse. She does little to better herself or her situations, seems to "lean in" to being miserable constantly, contributes the bare minimums it seems to our relationship and life together, and I'm just running out of ways to support her.
I'm just going to come out and say right off the cuff that despite being what I hope is the best support I can be now, that's not always been the case. I've always been a very results-driven person which has served me well in my career, but only a couple of years ago I've realized what a shitty husband/friend I'd been to not just my wife but our circle of friends too. Since then I've been attending therapy online (I know it's not the best, but I'm better in text than speaking) and getting better. Basically I come from a long proud line of narcissists and while I and my therapist don't believe I have the disorder itself, I had a hell of a lot of the traits and behaviors associated with it. Through therapy and basically just seizing control of my own worse impulses, I'm making good progress. I just want to get all my baggage out there because I've not been the best for a long time, and I'm now trying my ass off to be, and doing okay I'd say.
2018 has been to say the least, brutal for us as a couple. Our awesome landlords sold the property we rented, and we bought a house to replace it. It was something we'd talked about doing and it seemed the universe was giving us the kick in the ass we needed. It was stressful as hell, as anyone who's done it I'm sure has understood but I've always been able to handle pressured situations, and this one was no different. It was a hell of a lot of work, a lot of phone calls (shoutout to my peeps with social anxiety, ain't it great?), a lot of appointments and signing but we got it. Right after, work sold a large un-needed building in favor of a smaller one, and being high in said organization meant I had now the responsibilities of both moving home and moving work. Shortly after that, we bought a new vehicle (new locale demanded transport for both, plus we were sick of having only one to share). And then after that, one of our beloved fur babies passed.
And these is just the highlight reel for this mess of a year, but I digress. This post should be about the relationship, and I feel we're in trouble.
The kind of guy I am I suppose you'd call more traditional. I make roughly 4x my wife's salary. I'm college educated, she didn't finish high school. I have a career in a strong field, she works food service. I honestly think she's capable of way more but she insists that she's fine doing what she does, and I mean, we aren't hurting for money so I don't push the issue, it's fine. My position has always been that I'd like to get us to a point where she doesn't need to work at all and I'd be the sole provider, and I'm not trying to humble brag here, I know her jobs are hard and if we can manage it I'd just prefer she'd not work. I'd rather she stay home, work on her crafting projects and just have a nice life, and I'd love nothing more than to give that to her.
Unfortunately, we're still recovering from a financial hangover from the first few years of our relationship. We spent too much, didn't make enough, had a shitload of fun but now the bills are coming due, which honestly is fine, we're not in trouble, just not where I'd like to be. And things are getting better, slowly. So for now she has to keep working, and she tells me many times that she's fine with it and I've seen her work, she seems to enjoy it.
Nevertheless, she just seems to be perpetually unhappy. She was unhappy with the process of buying the house (loves the house though), she was unhappy with buying the vehicle (loves the vehicle though), of course she was crushed when we lost our pet, as was I, but her definitely more so. Beyond that she still has a ton of unpacking and setup to do, and this is almost three months on from closing date. She has pending orders to fill for her side gig, and she doesn't seem to be working on them. She has stuff she wants to do in the house, but where I've spent a ton of time getting things installed and upgraded, sorting out problems (don't buy a foreclosure, free advice people) and in general just busting ass, she just... isn't. She sits and plays on her phone, plays on her PC, or sleeps. Every day. Her job is fine and she works hard so of course she's entitled to her downtime, but it's clear that she's falling way behind on everything and she's upset about it, but it's hard to feel sorry for her when I see her pissing away so much time...
This is really where I'm at and what I'm looking for advice on. I feel sorry for her losing her favorite pet. I feel sorry for her when she has rough shifts. I feel sorry for her when I have to tell her we can't afford something. I feel sorry for her that she's so far behind on her own imposed deadlines. I just constantly pity her and I feel like after nonstop pity for months and months, I'm just running out of fucks to give. I don't mean to be cruel, but that's honestly how it feels.
Like yeah, she has problems and bad things that happen to her, but the vast majority are her own doing. She's behind because she's not managing her time. Her depression is kicking her ass because she refuses to seek treatment. Her orders go unfilled and have to be refunded because she isn't making the things people want to buy. And she just sits there, and currently the biggest issue is the loss of the pet I mentioned but again, this isn't a new thing. She's always got some horrible thing to put up as "why I'm depressed" and she just lurches from one thing to the next. She's not even attempting to be happy anymore, and it's increasingly hard for me to support her through it because I'm just tired. I lost a pet too, but I don't feel I was able to grieve because I had to get right back to work. She missed three shifts in total.
Meantime, I'm responsible for our finances. I'm the breadwinner. Because I work IT I manage our smart homes ever increasing smartiness. I troubleshoot her devices, too. I often do the dishes, load the washer and empty it after. I take out garbage and do the general cleaning. I pick up after her, leaving cans and bottles all over the house. And alongside that I work on average 10 hours more than her every week, making quadruple the money, just to come home and feel like I have to keep working until I drop.
In fact just about the only thing she regularly does is clean the cat boxes, and even then, it's a nonstop remind-remind-remind-beg-plead thing because I literally cannot do it, I will vomit in that room.
I've hit a breaking point because it's a tough week for money, we're digging into savings a lot, and it took her 4 working days to get her bloody paycheck deposited, and it's like, come the fuck on! It's a five minute drive and we REALLY need it taken care of! And yes, I suppose I could've done it myself but I'm busy juggling nine other fucking things, and it seems asking her to pitch in and handle a 5 minute errand isn't asking the world!
I just don't know anymore. I feel crazy, and worse still I feel like the worlds biggest asshole but I just don't know what to do, and I'm hoping to farm out some perspective on this and feel out whether I'm justified or not.
Thanks everyone.
Submitted November 26, 2018 at 10:52AM by drainedhusband https://ift.tt/2KzIXBT
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