I (28f) feel like I come second to my husband's (29m) brother(26m). Thinking of leaving.

So Frank and I have been married for 7 months, together for 3.5 years and have a 2.5 year old child. We are from City A but have lived for a year in City B (across the country). We plan on moving back to City A in 4 months. 

Tom, Frank’s younger brother, has shown the last 3.5 years that he has no interest in getting to know me. Here is a list of our interactions:

1. For the first 6 months of Frank and me dating, Tom refused to call me by my name. Say my name is Connie, he would call me “Candice”. For a while I genuinely thought he didn’t know my name. Frank thought it was funny. 
2. I don’t smoke weed, have never been interested in smoking weed, I don’t find any joy in talking about it or being around it. When I was about 7 months pregnant Tom was smoking and purposely blew a smoke cloud directly into my face. Frank thought it was funny.
3. After having emergency surgery to deal with a pregnancy issue, Tom let me know that carrying a child wasn’t much of a big deal and he didn't understand how could I consider myself a mother when I hadn’t done anything yet. Frank had no comment. 
4. Tom and his fiancé (30f) completely ignored me at the baby shower. Their card was solely made out to Frank. Frank insisted it wasn't intentional. 
5. Tom and his fiancé at the time put off getting the shots necessary to see the newborn baby even though everyone was given notice when I was 4 months pregnant. Tom got the shot 4 days before I gave birth, his wife got it about 2 weeks after the child was born. My family and Frank’s mother and friends received the shot when I mentioned it at 4 months pregnant. Frank made excuses for Tom. 
6. Tom and his fiancé got married in a different state, I was not invited to the engagement party, the wedding, anything. I stayed in City A with the baby. Frank said it was because the wedding was planned before we met. The engagement party was in City A. Frank said "it wasn’t even fun." 
7. When our child was 3 months old, I texted Tom trying to wave the white flag. I said something along the lines of “Hey, I know we don’t get along very well but I’d really like to work on our relationship. We’re both going to be around for a long time and it would be easier on Frank if we got along. He didn’t really respond but I got a long message from his then wife letting me know she thought I was a shit mom, “bad energy,” and worthless for having PPD. I did not retaliate. Frank sympathized with me but did not talk to his brother about it. 
8. Tom and his wife rarely showed up at Frank’s house once the baby was born. If I was over (Frank and I did not live together at the time), they wouldn’t even acknowledge the baby. Frank dismissed their actions. (Tom and his wife soon divorced. He moved in with Frank for a bit and still showed no interest in the child)
9. Frank and I talked about moving to City B and we both decided it would be best for us. When we told his mother and Tom, Tom acted like I was kidnapping the child and running and forcing Frank to come with me. Frank did not correct him. 
10. We decided to get married in City B. Both Franks mother and Tom flew in. Tom ignored me and the child the entire time (and Frank too, if we're being honest), made passive aggressive comments about my work, wore an extremely “loud” shirt at the wedding, when giving his toast his words of advice were, “don’t do it.” Frank blamed it on Tom’s failed marriage. 
11. Franks mother has a business and we agreed to me taking over for her so she could retire. We talked details on a daily basis and I was supposed to start working remotely under her Jan 1 until we were officially back in City A. Tom found out and decided he would be taking over and told his mother there is no room for me. He has had absolutely no interest in her business prior and this was a shock to everyone. Frank offered advice to his mother about Tom being irresponsible but otherwise did not get involved. 
12. Tom tells Frank the reason he can’t build a relationship with me is because we’re miles and miles away. Franks mom and my relationship actually started blossoming once we moved to City B. I recently saw that Tom is keeping in touch with Frank’s old girlfriend. I asked Frank if they were close and Frank said no, that they never really spoke because Tom’s (now ex-) wife hated her. 

So recently, Tom met a woman (21f) and started dating her. Exactly 1 month after meeting they were married. No one was told until a couple weeks after. My MIL had met the girl twice, obviously Frank has never met her. Tom called Frank to tell him the news and for the first time, Frank had something to say. He told him how rude he was at our wedding and how it’s insane to be so bitter and then turn around and marry someone after knowing them for such a short time etc. Frank felt really good for speaking his mind but Tom played the "I know man, I was just upset about ExWife." card and Frank immediately felt bad and brushed everything under the rug. Now when Tom calls (maybe once every 2 weeks, doesn’t answer Franks calls or texts.) he just talks about himself and says things like “I can’t wait for you to meet NewWife. You’ll really like her.”

So here’s where we are. I’m completely drained. I’m amazed that he could treat me so shitty for 3.5 years and then turn around and expect his brother to immediately accept his new wife. Tom is more worried about building a relationship with NewWife than he ever was Frank or the child. And Frank sees it but can not confront his brother or address the disrespect.

Im at the point where I’m realizing that not hurting Tom’s feelings are more important than anything I have to say. I think Frank has been extremely clear in who’s feelings he prefers.  He keeps asking me to let it go and saying he’ll defend me if anything else comes up. I don’t want to wait until anything else comes up. I want my husband to come to my defense now. We’ve been arguing about this for 3 days and I’m exhausted. He finally called his mother and his mother confirmed that Tom has been shitty towards her too, and Frank had a realization moment. He told me I was completely right and he was so sorry he argued with me and I deserve to be defended. He said he’d talk to Tom the next day. Tom apologized (to Frank, never to me, never EVER has Tom said anything anywhere CLOSE to an apology to me.) and now Frank thinks we’re all good. Frank only addressed Tom looking for NewWife validation while still ignoring me and child, and nothing else. 

To be honest I was expecting more of a “This is my family. You need to respect my family as I have yours or you cannot be apart of my family any longer,” but Frank says there’s no way he could ever cut Tom out. 

To be clear, my marriage isn’t based on how my brother in law treats me. It’s how my husband allows his brother to treat me and our child. I'm not one who is afraid of confrontation and if it weren't for Frank and Tom being so close, I would have fought him a long time ago. Out of respect for the father of my child and husband, I've bit my tongue and held on tight.

I’m ready to end the relationship for good because of this. Am I overreacting? Is there another course of action I can take to improve the situation? Is there something I can tell Frank to get my point across better?

tldr: BIL despises me and isn't afraid to hide it, husband refuses to defend me, can this be fixed?

Submitted November 04, 2018 at 03:38AM by SisterInHate321 https://ift.tt/2Qj8cKA