22 year old female, started to realize when I was about 17 or so that I might be gay. Have never been in a relationship or anything close to one, haven't even had my first kiss yet. I'm not in any rush, mostly because I'm so focused on doing well in school that I always thought relationships would be a distraction. I figured there would be plenty of time for one when I'm older, but the window to "launch" professionally was much smaller.
Well, now I'm older and approaching the end of college, and I'm starting to realize that me being focused on school isn't the only thing that's deterred me from even considering relationships. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that my parents both have fairly negative opinions about gay people, and aren't shy about sharing how gross, icky, disgusting, uncomfortable etc. gay people make them feel. Both of my parents are solidly liberal people, they're just behind on this one issue. I've lived at home throughout college for financial reasons, and in general get along very well with my parents.
My dad's attitude is mostly dismissive and mean spirited, although he claims he's just "joking" to get a rise out of me and my sister - being gay is a choice, don't want to catch the gay, gay people have psychological issues, etc. I'd say things are even harder with my mom, mostly because we have such a great relationship outside of this one issue. She's very loving, sweet, positive, etc. but has some issue with lesbians in particular. She's always commenting on how gross they are when we're watching a TV show with a lesbian character in it for example, or rolling her eyes and lamenting how there are gay characters in everything nowadays. She frequently says negative things about butch women. I'm very tomboyish myself and wear mostly men's shirts and sweaters, but still wear makeup and have long hair. I don't think I'd feel comfortable being any less feminine - say by getting a shorter haircut - because of these negative attitudes that have been beaten in to me. Even my sister, who's very pro-LGBT, seems to take issue with women that are too masculine. I've been left with this unshakeable feeling that a lot more people than I realize probably feel similarly to my parents, and just don't say it out loud because they don't want to be rude.
I'm not out yet, obviously. There are days when I find it a little strange to be honest that my parents don't suspect a thing. I've been propositioned by guys before only to turn them down and my mom thinks I'm a real catch - I have been told on numerous occasions that I'm a "conventionally attractive" girl. I do well in school and have all sorts of hobbies. I seem pretty confident and mature on the outside. My mom seems to be at a loss as to why I'm not in a relationship or don't seem to be interested in one. I can't recall a time in my life when I've gushed about any guy to anyone, including her. It would honestly be funny how clueless she is, if I knew that she wouldn't take it so hard if she knew the truth...
I feel like this has really taken a toll on my self esteem and stunted me. I don't really want to be in a relationship and don't see myself being comfortable being in one, mostly because I've gotten this idea drilled into my head that being gay is gross and something that will make people extremely uncomfortable. I feel like I have this mental block in place and I don't know how to get rid of it. Just thinking about openly being in a relationship now honestly makes me feel weird, awkward, gross, and just kind of sad, to be honest.
Advice?
TLDR: Already have some personal hangups surrounding intimacy and relationships, feel like any desire for a relationship has been squashed after listening to my parents talk about how gross gay people are. I'm starting to realize just how much my self esteem has been affected, don't know how I'll get over it when it feels like the damage has already been done.
Submitted November 16, 2018 at 11:13AM by simultu https://ift.tt/2KaqpId
No comments:
Post a Comment