Did I [34 M] cruelly mislead woman [28 F] I dated for two months before realizing I did not have a substantial connection with her?

So, as a small preface, I was married for 9 years until May of this year. My ex-spouse and I just drifted apart and wanted different things; we are still friends but have both moved on. Obviously, I’m new to the dating game, yet old enough to know what it is I am looking for out of a relationship. I’ve pretty much dated off/on since the divorce, making mistakes here and there, but nothing I would consider out the ordinary, just not recognizing differences fast enough. Nearly all times I’ve broken off with someone, whether mutual or not, I try to be as civil as I think right, but these women seem to really despise me after, not for who I am, but because I decide I did not want to pursue farther. Before I married, girls/women always broke up with me, so I know the hurt but lack exposure to the anger.

Now, I’ve dated a very nice woman, we’ll call her Cindy, for the past two months, and we were never officially a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I would say we were dating, and to me, that timeframe was an ample chance to see if anything developed. At the moment, I work two jobs, so Cindy and I only saw each other on the weekends. However, things moved quickly from the first date onward. We had sex on multiple occasions; we went on dates together; and just a week ago, we went out of town together. The woman is very nice, considerate, and caring, and there is really nothing wrong with her, but I had the sense that she was getting attached more quickly than I was. I wanted to take the time to get to know her and see how I feel. When her feelings seemed to intensify, she started pushing for us to utter phrases like “I miss you,” and she increased her performance of other affectionate gestures. For instance, she would speak in a kind of baby talk when telling me how cute I was, which just wasn’t for me. I can see how some people like that, but I want to match with an independent adult. She was really nice, though, and I had fun at her, but as the relationship went on, I realized that I didn’t feel a significant spark that made me want to stay with her. We never talked candidly about what we wanted or were looking for (my fault and hers). Instead, we just played off each other’s energy, and explored each other’s past and personalities as they came. To me, though, the relationship felt more physical than personal, and while physical intimacy is nice, I value a personal connection.

To add butter to the narrative, even before dating her, I have had a crush on a coworker named Aster for a couple months. I even asked Aster out for a drink in July, to which she said yes, but me, wanting to keep a friend (of which I could use more) and not wishing to strain a work-relationship if it flopped, decided not to pursue her “yes,” and she never brought it back up. Yet, we are friends, and we interact daily. I’m pretty sure she flirts with me, and I know I flirt with her. When this happens, my stomach becomes a ball of helium, and it takes great effort to pull my feet back to the ground. When I decided to date Cindy (we matched on Tinder), I felt that dating outside of work would help me keep things with Aster at a friend-level and give me a chance to see what else is out there. Nevertheless, even while dating the other woman, I found myself developing more intense feelings for Aster than Cindy. What I feel around my coworker is just a sample size of what I wish to experience when I am ready to love someone else again. After reflecting on this, I decided I needed to end the relationship with Cindy, and at the very least, live on my own for the time being.

I broke up with her just yesterday. I tried to do it in person by asking her to meet me, but she knew something was up and demanded to know what I needed to say to her. I proceed to tell her that through no fault of her own, I just do not see her as a long-term partner; that I may not be in a frame of mind to take the relationship to the next-level (I still don’t know); and that I ultimately liked her as a person, but I did not feel entirely connected. Like my previous dates, she was very upset, but this time was different. I did not feel too bad about breaking off with the other women because one gave me a religious ultimatum, and the other displayed a tantrum at a store closing on our last night that waved a clear red flag. I feel bad for the way Cindy walks away from our relationship. She did nothing wrong, was charming, very kind, and caring. When I broke up with her she called me “cruel” for keeping things going for two months just to call it off, and the last thing she said to me was “I thought you were different than other guys, but you’re much worse.” I didn’t antagonize the situation and shouldered the blame on myself. I know the wound is fresh, because she said she really liked me. I’m a little curious if maybe I deserve this anger. I’m certainly a little hesitant to date at the moment, knowing I’ve cause her so much pain and anger, but I do not understand why I keep causing so much anger.

Is this a normal part of the dating experience? Am I being overly inconsiderate? Personally, I do not think I am being unreasonable or “cruel,” but just want to make my love life count, which takes vulnerability, exploration, and ultimately, a determination of whether you envision yourself with the person you are spending time with. I still hold out some hope for Aster, but honestly, I’m not sure if my window has passed, and we’ll just be friends. I am currently job searching, which could take me out of state, so I’m not even sure if I should be looking to date right now. I think I mostly know my mind, but I am interested to see what different perspectives and insights others have.

TL;DR I did not feel connected to Cindy after 2 months of dating, and even felt more for my coworker, Aster. I realized this, broke up with Cindy, and she called me very cruel for leading her on too much.

Submitted November 04, 2018 at 04:18PM by aftenmusic https://ift.tt/2QgbA9b