Coming from a financially poor family, I (28F) have worked my ass off to care for my siblings for the last 8 years. Now that my siblings are well educated, I feel left behind.

I am (28F) the second child in a family of six children: four girls, two boys. I grew up in a big, low-income family. My parents sent my eldest sister to boarding school from 6th grade onwards. Thus, it has always been me as the oldest in the family ever since I was in 4th grade, shouldering responsibilities of taking care of the younger ones. My parents are nice people, albeit not too bright. They have zero knowledge of how to make money or hustle and work as teachers in private schools earning a meager salary, definitely not enough to sustain the numerous children that had. Plus, they were already in a lot of debt; courtesy: poor financial planning.

Growing up, food quality was low, and treats were rare, so I almost always gave up my share to my younger ones because we are a big lot. During Christmas, my parents usually cannot afford to buy new clothes for all of us, so it’s mostly me who says it’s okay, that I don’t need new ones. When I look back, my sister, on the other hand always wore a certain standard of clothes because she stayed in a boarding, and demanded to which my parents almost always gave in. To date, I don’t understand why my parents cannot see that my sister was one of the well-dressed kids while my two younger brothers and I literally wore torn school uniforms. Maybe they did and just didn’t have the means, so opted to pamper the one that was away from home. I remember wearing one set of school skirt from 6th grade till 9th grade; mom removing the stitches and lengthening the hem year after year as my teenage growth spurt set in. Interestingly, I never felt too poor or was ashamed of my situation. For a girl my age, I was very understanding of the family situation and was just grateful to be in the best school in town, but I did vow to myself that when I grow older I would never let my younger siblings endure what I did.

All through High school, I was one of those smart and brainy kids and held many student leadership positions and won many awards. After High school and months of serious studying, I got into a top Law college in the country, but it was far too expensive for us to afford even with the partial scholarship it came with. My parents said that they would take loans and fund me if I really wanted to go there, but it was another 5 years of studying with no income, and I knew we would be too deep in debt by then. Also, my sister was already studying to get her Bachelor's degree and they were supporting her as well. So, I told them I didn’t want to take up Law, I just took the test to see if I was any good. You may find this whole affair of parents supporting their children for college weird, but culturally, in my community, parents support their children for their education (and everything,) and my parents also supported me till my Bachelor's – we also incurred a lot of debt during this period because, damn, decent education is expensive. One thing they always did right, though, was trying to send us to the best possible school/college. I did work many odd promotional weekend jobs to cover for living expenses.

The year I completed my Bachelor's degree, I had three top colleges in the country waiting for me, all with full scholarship including living expenses for my Master's, but I turned them all down because I got a job. It was in a field I had zero knowledge about, but I took it anyway without a second thought because it paid well. It was more money than the salaries of both my parents combined, which may not be a lot to many people, but to us, it was a lot! Haha. I thought to myself, surely if they picked me from campus placement out of the whole lot in this college, they see the potential in me and I will do well. I learned a lot on that job, earned promotions, and to this day, I am still following a career path that I took up then. Year after year, loan after loan, debt after debt, one sibling after the other, between my parents and me, we have managed to give an education to all. Every dime of almost eight years of my career has been spent on my siblings. My parents are also debt-free, finally.

The fact of the matter is, now, my sister has a Ph.D. and has just started teaching at a university. She will soon be married to a fellow scholar. One of my little brothers teaches music now, and my other brother is in a prestigious college and should do well. My two little sisters are still young, but they should be okay. This brings the focus back to me. After years of education and discourses, my siblings are all so much more learned than me now. I can no longer keep up with the political or philosophical banter they have. Their friends' circle is so much more elaborate and refined than mine. I still read as much as I can, but between maintaining a career and taking care of everyone, life just makes it impossible to keep up to the level they are, and I am beginning to feel small, left out. I am proud of them, their accomplishments, and where they are in life now, but I also feel a tinge of “I could have been there too.” I don’t know if I expect my older siblings to put me on a pedestal and be eternally thankful to me for my sacrifices, because damn, they had it easy because of me, or just a heartfelt thank you without me asking for it. The only people who are incredibly indebted to me are my parents, especially my father. They say it all the time, but that actually makes me sad because I did it for love; it was shared responsibility the three of us have shouldered together for a long time now. We are a team. It's just that nobody apart from my parents said, "now it's your turn!"

Ever since I can remember, I have been fending for myself and the family that I don’t know what to expect from others, including relationships. Just recently, my boyfriend’s family felt that I am not the best match for him (they feel I am not educated enough for their well-bred, classy family.) This incident made me look back and think about how this will never be one of the reasons for any type of rejection for my siblings. It made me feel very small for a while because although my boyfriend said it doesn’t matter to him, I know his parent’s approval is really critical. I also know he will never go against them when it comes to marriage, which has also put my relationship in a new perspective. I keep thinking had I had been selfish enough to push for my education…. But maybe the issue is him and his family and not me?

Just on a whim, if you were me, what will you do now? How would you handle my siblings? Is it right for me to expect my boyfriend to marry me in spite of his parents? If he is not willing, sooner the breakup, the better, right? Do you have any suggestions on how to start down that path of self-love? Is there even a term for what I am feeling because honestly, I don’t know what I am really feeling. Jealousy, unrealistic expectations, lost?

P.S: Writing this has just kinda made me realize that all of this could be a manifestation of my insecurity over my lack of an educational degree; something I cannot pursue for the next 3 years because I have bank loans to pay off until then, and something highly prized in my society.

TL;DR: Spend most of my childhood-adult years taking care of my siblings – giving them an education, clothing them, funding their meals; being a secondary parent. Now, I can no longer keep up with their intellectual banter and I am also beginning to feel left out and not appreciated enough by them. How do I get over this feeling? Plus, my boyfriend’s family feels I am not good enough to marry him because I am not educated enough. Just feeling small in general. How do I work on self-love and feel less left behind?

Edit: Graduation = Bachelor's degree. Where we are, we are called a graduate when we have a Bachelor's degree. College = Bachelors onwards. We go to college for our Bachelors and Masters. Universities also offer Bachelors, Masters, MPhil, and Ph.D.

Submitted November 27, 2018 at 05:33AM by eggsandhoes https://ift.tt/2FL84CQ