I feel like I need advice on making quality lifelong friends / also being a better friend.
I like to think of myself as being a good friend. I regularly reach out to people (probably like 2x a month, or 1x a month if we aren't as close). For long distance friends, I try to schedule video calls 1x a month or maybe once every three months since I know people are busy. For other people who I'm not as close to, I do try to make an effort to reach out over text about once every three months. I do try to balance between keeping in touch but also not overbearing, as I can see reaching out too much can be annoying and bothersome.
I like to think I listen and inquire about people's lives. I ask them about new things in their lives, follow up on major events or even things that happened to them that I remember them telling me. I feel I strike a good balance between knowing when to have serious conversations and when to joke around.
However, I have noticed that I'm not very satisfied with many of my friendships and I also wonder if it is me. I wonder if I have too high standards for friendships or if I'm actually not someone these people like very much. I have found that I am usually the one setting up friendship hangouts. I have even found myself being excluded from things.
Just to list out a few things:
- In one friend group of three, the other two planned a trip and let me know last minute that I was invited. However, the dates didn't align with me, so I didn't end up going. While I feel like they did try to include me, it felt off, because if you really tried to include me, wouldn't you have included me in the planning process so then we could find a date when all of us could hang out? Some other information about this: The other two are both in the same state and the trip is a road trip in the state, while I am living out of state, but do go to the state they live in regularly because my family also lives there. I'm not sure if I'm being sensitive, if this was just them not really thinking about me, or if this was a deliberate form of exclusion.
- In another group of friends, there was a group chat made but I was excluded from this group chat because everyone else has iPhones but I have an Android. They claimed because I have an Android, it would decrease the quality of the pictures sent because there is this incompatibility with the phones. I know this is a fact, as I have noticed it myself, but it felt strange. I feel like I've been in groups where I am in included in the chat. I also feel like if that was the case, we could've just used another messaging platform like Messenger, WhatsApp, etc. to have a group chat.
- In the same group of friends as the phone group chat, I noticed that I'm sometimes not invited to things. For example, there was a picnic hangout and when I even ran into two of the friends that day, neither of them told me they were going to the picnic hangout. Later on, only one person from the group told me there was a picnic and everyone else was going. I'm not sure if it was one person deliberately not inviting me, or if it was a subset. I'm glad at least the person who told me had let me know, but it felt very strange. I ended up not going to the picnic because I had another plan and also because it felt off for me to run into two of the people and for them to not tell me about it.
- I feel that for certain friends, I am the one usually setting up the hangouts and I feel that if I never reached out, we would probably never hang out. I like to think the other people are enjoying them, as they seem to be having fun and we laugh together. But it feels strange that they don't reach out. I'm not sure if maybe they aren't great at having this skill, or if they actually only hang out with me out of pity.
There are a few more examples of this, but I think this gets down to the gist of it.
I also understand this is Reddit and nobody on here really knows me as a person and can tell me what I need to change, since maybe there are things I'm doing in person that are rubbing people the wrong way. But I feel like I'm not doing any major issues. I don't make fun of people as I don't want people's feelings to be hurt, I'm pretty open minded on people's views of the world and do not try to make them feel weird because I don't want the to feel judged, I'm always on time to things, I'm not stingy about splitting food, etc.
Anything I'm missing that you feel would be good qualities to work on? Any ways I can be a better friend? Or what if I should be raising the bar for friendships and make better friends? Or are these issues just part of friendships?
I just want to friend lifelong friendships that I'm happy with.
TLDR: Not feeling satisfied with current friendships. Asking for advice on how to improve as a friend or how to make better friends.
Submitted April 18, 2023 at 01:46PM by throwaway_need_a https://ift.tt/KXug4MJ
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