I (M36) am having difficulty expressing to my gf (F33) my feelings of a lack of support and importance in the relationship.

So, I traveled to another country to live my current partner and we’ve come to a crossroads. It’s been one year in and we have some issue that I feel I want to work on.

I’ve expressed to her on multiple occasions that I don’t feel appreciated and heard within the relationship. Additionally, it’s gotten to a point that I don’t feel as though I’m important to her.

An example of this has been over the past year, she’s started a new job and thus has gone through some growing pains (I.e conflicts within the office, drama, conflicting schedules with her side business, etc). The entire time, I have supported her throughout. I’ve been attentive and listened to it all, even offering advice on subjects I’m a bit proficient in which have netted her positive results. Throughout the trials and tribulations, I’ve remained supportive, enthusiastic, and positive about it all.

The only time we had an issue was at the tail end of a long week for her. The entire week, I was on point making her lunches with notes, making her favorite meals for dinner, doubling all my efforts at home until Friday came. When she came home when we had planned an evening together. I was having an amazing day and she proceeded to barge in upset. I paused what I was doing and asked her what was the issue. She then began explaining the story in a frustrated and angry fashion. She was going so quickly that I had trouble following along and at one point had to stop and ask for clarification in the story. She looked at me and snapped, upset that I needed clarification and thus proceeded to continue.

This eventually turned into an argument as I expressed to her that I don’t mind her taking a bad day home with her, and that I’d be happy to listen and support her. However, I didn’t feel it ok for her to direct that anger and frustration toward me. She expressed that she hated how me saying bad things about her like that made her feel.

Often times, our arguments arise from me feeling negatively and when I bring them to her attention, she expresses that she feels bad and like she’s losing every time we have an issue. I have done my best to say that while I understand her views, I would like some of the support as well. It got to a point today where I asked her what did this week? Not for her, or as a way to guilt her, but for her to see what I was talking about.

I proceeded to tell her about everything she had done this week. Every story she told me about work and life, all the good news she’s received lately, everything. I then asked her again, what did I do. She said I played some game. I asked her which, or whether she could say anything other than this activity. She said she knew I had had a bad week and had some insomnia. So, I asked what she did to support me or help turn it around and she replied that she gave me space.

I explained to her that this is what I was talking about. I want to be able to talk about my life, my work, my issues and feel heard. I want moments when I’m down to be met with enthusiasm and support, offer advice if possible, or if not just be more positive than “it’ll be ok.”

She expressed that I don’t understand her love language and that she does care about me but just doesn’t do those things. I asked her if she could and I was met with the same reasonings of every time I come to her, she ends up feeling terrible and that she feels hurt.

No matter how soft spoken, poignantly clear I can be, or how out of the way I go to acknowledge and relate to her points, it always comes back to that same answer that she feels unheard and hurt when I bring these things up.

Additionally, to comment on how we seem to argue when I bring things to her attention, I asked her if she can recall times where she felt I was doing something in the wrong. She couldn’t recall. So I gave a few examples of things she’d asked me to do in the past and how I’d improved on them. I told her that I still do make mistakes, but that overall they’re nigh non-existent anymore. I expressed that I didn’t want the relationship to be perfect nor do I expect everything to be resolved immediately, but that these things are important to me and need to begin happening for me to feel comfortable in the relationship.

I’ve told her that tomorrow I will look for a place to stay temporarily to give her breathing room and to think things over. I told her that I want her to be happy but that I want to work toward us both feeling important in the relationship. She’s unsure if this is what she wants so we’ll talk about things Saturday to determine how to move forward.

I do love her and I do want to make things better. I also do want her to feel like she is heard and acknowledged. Additionally, I don’t want these talks to feel like anyone has won or lost. I want them to be moments where we can see how to improve the relationship together.

Would anyone have any suggestions on this situation or how I might approach our next discussion?

TLDR; Tried explaining I feel unsupported and unimportant in our relationship while my gf feels like she is unheard when I express issues.

Submitted April 20, 2023 at 06:02PM by Tazx14 https://ift.tt/klXAdNR