I had a girlfriend from December of 2018 to September of 2022. I initiated the breakup for a number of reasons. She had serious anxiety issues and refused to get help for them, despite promising for years that she would. She came to rely on me as a crutch, making me responsible for her emotional regulation. I felt like her therapist in a way, and it was really hard for me to see her continue to repeatedly struggle with the same paranoias, phobias, and anxieties. Among these things, she would also tell "jokes" about me in public when we were with different friend groups that she intended as jokes, but were hurtful to me.
One time, in the spring of 2022, we were recalling a story of a mutual friend (let's call him Devon) drunkenly rubbing her feet on a ride home from a night out. There were 6 of us in a 5 person car, so 4 of us had to cram in the backseat. I was sitting on the driver's side, drunken devon was sitting on the passenger's side, and she was sitting across us, her head on my side. We got home and she told me that he was rubbing her feet, which she thought was a little strange, and we laughed about it. While listening to us retell the story, our friend asked "why didn't you tell Devon to stop, OP?", and my girlfriend responded by loudly saying "because OP is a p*ssy!" The friends listening to the story responded with a loud "ohhh" like I had just got burned. I explained what had actually happened, that I didn't even know it was going on until after, and that I feel if my gf is uncomfortable in a situation like that, she should say something herself or ask me to say something; it shouldn't just be expected that I should be able to read her mind and speak up for her if I have no way of knowing she's uncomfortable. I think she had meant it as a joke, but it wounded me, which I later told her. She apologized but also said that I was being sensitive; it was just a joke. I explained that I know she meant it that way, but I would appreciate if she didn't make jokes like that, and she agreed. This wasn't the first time we had had this conversation.
Situations came up like this often. Later that summer, we were at one of my long-time friend's weddings, and I introduced her to another long-time friend who she'd never met before. She asked us "how have you two stayed together so long? what's your secret?" My gf responded "we should have broken up after the first year" in a not-exactly joking tone. I gave her a look like "why tf are you saying that," and she responded back with a look that said "don't address it; I meant it as a joke." I then went on to tell the friend what I honestly felt made our relationship work, and the conversation moved on. But again, I felt wounded by this joke, and we had already had the same conversation about it a few times.
What I want to know is: was I overreacting? Should I have just learned to adapt to her sense of humor? I knew her; I knew that she didn't mean those things. Despite the problems that led me to breaking up with her, we had a loving relationship and we knew each other well. I of course knew that she didn't mean the things she was saying. On the other hand, the jokes made me uncomfortable, and I felt like she wasn't taking my feelings seriously, given that she would agree to change her behavior but never did.
TLDR: My ex used to make jokes in social settings about me that stung, and never stopped even after we talked about it multiple times and agreeing to stop. Did I overreact?
Submitted April 26, 2023 at 08:34PM by jmadluck https://ift.tt/DGgmzCZ
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