Hello everyone, thank you for taking the time to read this through. Any advice is much appreciated. In order to talk about this event I have to preface with some backstory. I met my boyfriend in 2019 while we were both working shitty restaurant jobs. We would drink together after work and hang out. We had a lot of similar interests and really hit it off. Eventually I got a new job but we still stayed in touch. During this time both of his friends (I'll refer to them as Clara and Grace) were working at the same job as him.
We started dating in February after he asked me out. The pandemic happened in March, as I'm sure you're all aware. We had planned to move in as roommates before we started dating, but held off a couple of months in order to slow things down.
We moved in together August of '21 and it was such a gorgeous space. I loved spending time with him and felt my life change for the better because of the support and confidence I received from him. We just seemed to get each other, I felt so safe with him because I thought love would lend itself to honesty. I was wrong.
In September, bf, Clara, and me were all hanging out when my phone rang. It was an unknown number. I picked it up and heard text messages buzzing in my ear.
"You don't know your bf as well as you think you do. We saw each other last July. We've known each other longer and he'll always be a part of my life."
I didn't know what to say so I just hung up. I looked and saw screenshots- texts, facebook messages, even e-mails- of the two talking back and forth. I was shocked. I offered to walk Clara back to her car and just started walking around the apartment complex. He called and asked where I was; I told him about the phone call. The next few months were a blur of emotions and distrust. I broke up with him and we ended the lease.
We ended up back together because I was really smitten with how kind he was to me when I got Covid. I felt bad for being so angry. I wanted things to work. I just couldn't handle the doubt, the mistrust, the secrets. He agreed.
There was one phone call which he took of hers. He now says his ex-gf hits him up but he doesn't respond. I choose to believe him. Now onto Grace and Clara.
In hindsight, I envied the kindness my bf showed Clara while we were falling out. I wanted him to be as happy and kind in tone and mannerisms with me. Our arguing made that impossible. Clara was a bit imposing, inviting herself along on events and the like, but the comment that resulted in the end of our friendship was relayed to me by my bf. He said that she was surprised that we were still fighting over his betrayal months later.
I was so hurt and angry with her for saying such a callous thing. I reached out over text, sending her a vicious message. I was wrong and immediately apologized. It didn't matter, the damage was done. I've apologized again but haven't received a response.
I know I was wrong and I don't feel owed the continuation of our former relationship. My bf hangs out with these two women often. He doesn't tell me beforehand, which didn't matter until February.
Two days before our 3 year anniversary he dropped off the face of the earth. I couldn't get a call back from him for 15 hours. He said that he dropped (iykyk) at his apartment with these two girls and claims they watched movies all night. After he told me he kept saying he didn't want to call and argue. I was crying because I felt betrayed again. It felt like another secret, another lie, another woman he has been with in the shadows.
He claims he hadn't slept with his ex when he saw her. He says he didn't have sex with these two women the night they slept over. While I believe him, as much as I can given his track record, he was so callous about the experience. Less than a week before we had discussed tripping together, and now he's doing it with these other women instead.
We ended up doing nothing for our anniversary. I paid for a hotel room and we didn't even go because it was so horrible trying to talk to him, the coldness in his tone, it's hard to explain. He rarely hung out with Clara before, and never Grace (she goes MIA when she has a boyfriend). But since February, he has hung out with them on 7 or 8 separate occasions. All this while often saying he's too busy to hang out with me. He blames me for not telling me, saying that I will overreact. Which is partially true in the sense that I get very upset about it.
He does things with Grace and Clara after our plans don't work out. We were going to go to a petting zoo but ended up not going. He told me how the two girls had discussed going to the petting zoo with him and that he hadn't decided what he would do yet and what did I think about it? I hate explaining how upset it makes me and, even more so, I hate being put in the position of a toxic, demanding, jealous SO. I just don't want to be that person, I know it fosters resentment. That Friday-Saturday morning we hung out. When he dropped me off, I told him he should visit the petting zoo. When I tried calling him later in the day he told me he was out and would call me later, then said that I "gave my consent" to them all hanging out and that he had "already told me his plans."
His idea of telling me is acknowledging that he's out with them after I ask once or twice over text while he is already out with them. It drives me up the wall. I have so much doubt and it drives so much animosity that I feel I can either rage or disengage. I don't want to be a harpy or hysterical so I've distanced myself as a result of this.
I asked to hang with them all together so that I know everything's solid, but I really just want to set my mind at ease. He says that he's asked Clara and she has less than zero interest in ever seeing me again, that I ruined everything by blowing up on her, and that I make issues.
He's recently agreed to not hang out with them when really, I would rather hang with them all just once to put my mind at ease. But he'll blame me for any inconvenience which he claims would be amended if only he could see his friends. It's been two days!
I don't believe him when he says he won't hang out with them again. Ultimately, I believe that he will do what he wants with them and then spin it so that his secrecy is my fault after the fact. I don't want us to be torn apart but it is frankly embarrassing for him to see me one night a week and make a big deal out of it before spending 7 hours together with them the next day. I feel like chopped liver and Othello when I just want to be at peace.
He says I should learn to live with it. I don't know if I can. We've been together three years and he has involved other women as a means of comparison for its entirety. I can handle secrets or his jealousy but not the both. He says I get dressed up for work like I'm trying to find a man, that I'll leave him when I go study abroad in Europe next semester, etc. This feels unsustainable. Please help.
TLDR: Boyfriend has a history of secretive relationships with women. He does things we have recently discussed doing together with these two women instead. I am insecure about this because they all had a sleepover and afterwards we didn't celebrate 3 years together. I want to hang out with them but one of the girls and me had a falling out. I don’t know how to move forward as a couple.
Submitted April 18, 2023 at 11:14PM by gottagiveitupformoi https://ift.tt/37rjUbW
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