I broke up with my girlfriend of 4yrs, This was my first real relationship and I've never loved anyone like I love her. For context - the past year and a half we've been long distance with her living roughly 8hr drive away, She's really close to my friends and I am to hers and her family too. I already miss them a ton.
Around 5 months in we both worked the same job, our restaurant closed for covid and casuals got fired, she was casual I was full time. She was rightfully furious but was taking it out on me as we walked home that day. I basically let her have her moment but she was stonewalling and every time I would approach her she was yelling at me on the street and telling me to fuck off.
This would become a trend of our 'conflict resolution', when something would set her off, shed get irritated and loud no matter where we were. She would ignore me and start walking away even in unknown places. At first I would just cop it to calm the situation, but after this happening 6 or 7 times I started to not care about being embarrassing or loud or fighting in public, and I would join in. I hated this about myself. We did have conversations about this pattern of behaviour and she would try to assure me that she was working on herself and that it would get better.
None of this is to say I have no blame in these situations, but the reactions never felt justified. it wasn't just arguments between us she'd do this when plans would fall through or when something would go wrong like an accident or something. When I would try to talk about it she would not respond, if I tried to speak about it over the phone she would say 'whatever' and literally hang the phone up on me. She would be extremely lovey and happy one moment, but then all of a sudden it was like a switch was hit and there was no going back. She has slowly been getting better at managing these emotions, But I think as slowly as she is getting better at this, I've been getting worse at handling this and my patience has been running thinner and thinner.
I kind of reached a boiling point these past few days after driving up to see her and hang out with some friends. The main argument itself was kind of a build up of the shit over the weekend, from multiple plans of mine and my friends being delayed and affected by her being late. We argued on the first day about her blaming our uber driver for making us late, when we left roughly 2 hours later then we were supposed to because of her. The second day she did that again and I just didn't bring it up.
On the final argument that morning she was being extra affectionate, hugging me and kissing me heaps even weirdly biting on my arm a bit and talking about babies and marriage. We have talked about this stuff before, I didn't think much of it, i liked her being so cute in the morning. We go to get a milkshake and she asks for a regular. We get the milkshake and I give her hers and immediately her tone changes and she says 'what the fuck is this it's so small'. Her reaction was so jarring and she was having a public meltdown out the front of the shop. I felt like it was the stupidest fucking thing in the world in that moment, but I kept my cool and patience and said I'll buy her another one. She said no what the fuck and said she didn't want to drink any milkshake now because the size of the cup has turned her off it. I know I'm not being irrational here but this was so unbelievably illogical to me. She kept complaining for about half an hr about it. Everything we were doing this morning was a problem to her. It pissed me off immensely and I asked her what the issue was, and she says some stupid shit about how the milkshake is too small again and this is where my patience has ran thin so I told her to grow the fuck up and stop being a child and having outbursts on the street over stupid shit like the size of a shake. This obviously did not help and she started getting progressively louder and louder. She asked me what I was gonna do about it and I said I want to break up. We then went back to the car and spent half the day crying, but didn't resolve it then because she had to go to work that afternoon. After I drove back the 8hrs, I had to leave that day as I was taking friends back with me.
I phoned her the next day and had final closing statements on our relationship, and we have been non contact since. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and I feel sick to the bottom of my stomach with a headache that refuses to letup. I've been teary eyed and cried for hours, feeling like I can't breathe.
Her reactions to things makes it hard for me to ever think I could trust her to raise a child or with our finances or any real world important shit. I want to believe we can make it work and I feel like I'm abandoning her. When I think about the love she has given me there is no parallel, but I have come to the point where I don't know if love is enough. She's locked in with a therapist in a few days, and she feels that I'm not giving her the chance to work on her issues to better herself for me. She's obviously distraught but not taking any anger out on me like she normally would. she said she doesn't want to be mad at me anymore and wrote an amazing letter detailing all the shit she loves about me and what she will miss. It was very fucked up and made me extremely sad.
I guess the reason I've wrote all this, is to kind of chronicle my relationship for myself and give context as to where my decision has come from. I'm still in denial that this has happened and I look at my phone every minute expecting a message or a missed call from her that I can return. I know it's only been a few days and if I wanted I could reverse this decision and we could get back together, a huge part of me wants to do that. But I feel deep down unless we both fundamentally change this exact same shit is going to happen again and my resentment is going to build.
I guess I just want some guidance in if the things I'm talking about seem justifiable or if I'm an asshole here since it was my decision to break up and I kind of sprung it on her even though I have been expressing my doubts. I'm planning on finding a therapist I can talk to about all this but it's hard in my remote town to find. if there's any good recs for online therapists id be open to it. This was my breakup decision and always was, she never would've broken up with me. Even though deep down I feel like this is the right thing to do, I still feel like I've lost half of me and I felt like the biggest piece of shit to walk the earth.
It's been a few days now and I'm starting to shove the feelings deep down. I told my immediate family and some close friends, but haven't told everyone because I don't know how to really. It also will make it very real if I have to announce that somehow. I plan on messaging her mum to thank her for her hospitality over the years, once I can collect myself to write that message.
I almost feel sociopathic in a sense that I can still go on with my day to day life. I'm guessing this is normal but I've never experienced this so how would I know.
Sorry for the long write up, I cut back a ton of text as it became ramblings about he said/she said and it's not really relevant - end of the day we have broken up and I'm just not sure what to do from here. I never wanted to hurt her and that's what I've done.
TLDR: heartbroken after being dumper to emotionally turbulent ex gf of 4years +. having doubts and not sure if I should try mend the relationship while its early. currently non contact with her but have plans to talk in a week and also maybe see each other in 3 or 4 months when the dust settles.
Thanks
Submitted February 09, 2023 at 03:15AM by tawayonline https://ift.tt/jZot2P0
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