My(42f) husband (50m) of 18 years left me a couple of years ago, out of the blue. We’re trying to be friends, but I can’t forgive him. How can I get off of this stupid emotional rollercoaster I've been on for these last two years?

In many ways, I saw this meltdown coming. He had an abusive, neglectful childhood, undiagnosed autism, depression, etc. His sense of self was built entirely on this idea that he had to be the perfect provider and friend - entirely untraumatized, with absolutely no depression or mental health issues. Certainly no need for therapy, whatsoever.

I knew it was unsustainable before we got married. He diminished his own needs, and gave beyond his capacity. Things would eventually catch up with him.

Every once in awhile, he’d fall apart, and lash out, and accusations about being marginalized and diminished. I tried to really understand where that was coming from, and did everything I could to help him feel treasured and seen. He wasn’t good about asking for things or setting boundaries, so I made a point of double and triple checking things with him - trying to make sure his needs were met. I thought that if I took care of him - as he took care of me - he would eventually feel safe enough to work through some of his stuff, too. I think I made it really easy for him to not actually do that part.

I had my own messes. I had deep childhood trauma. I went through a rough bout with depression. I was insecure and needed a lot of emotional reassurance. I had a tendency to catastrophize. I psychoanalyze when it’s not appropriate. I am opinionated. I have to put a lot of energy into listening and not dominating conversations. I’m pretty sure I have ADHD. I know I can be challenging. We had gotten together when I was 23 and he was 30. I had a lot of growing to do. We are all messy and human, and I know I was not always easy.

We were good for each other, though. We were both loving, and present, and generous. We had wonderful conversations, and supported each other in so many ways. We parented well together. We had a deep, abiding respect and admiration for each other. We both invested so much time and intent to our relationship, and we treasured it. We loved with care and intent.

We were having some difficulties near the end, but I thought we were still solid. From my perspective, he had begun lashing out at me more, and it was confusing and unsettling. I was starting to feel less emotionally safe, but I could see that he was suffering. He was in hardcore denial about his own depression, and I know how hard that can be. I really tried to support him and make space for what he was going through. Marriages go through rocky times - that's part of being human.

Three days before he left, we cuddled up together. He looked me in the eye and told me that he loved me, and that he was madly in love with me. He loved how I supported him, and how we dealt with conflict. My presence made him “feel more whole in the world”, and he was so glad that he was going to get to grow old with me. He also told me that he was 100% certain we would get through this difficult bit.

This is how we talked to each other all the time, honestly. We were constantly affectionate. All the love languages, all the time.

And then, boom. A few days later, he hadn’t loved me for years. He was miserable. The idea of working through our problems literally terrified him. I was unsupportive. I marginalized and diminished him. Being with me was destroying his sense of self. And on, and on. Even our time building puzzles together and talking after the kids were asleep, or drinking wine and bingeing Netflix became signs of how toxic and empty our marriage was. It was so unnecessarily mean. And so dishonest. He would make accusations that were verifiably, objectively untrue, and when I would try to protest, he would just switch gear. “Okay, maybe that’s not true, but what about this Other thing?!”

He started holding me responsible for not knowing things he didn’t know about himself. He had had all these massive epiphanies about himself (which is great, and I’m glad for him), but then he threw that new self-knowledge at me, and blamed me for not having met those needs. How could I have met needs that were literally the opposite to what he had told me he wanted?

Once or twice, when he wasn't hurling blame at me, he explained that it wasn't actually about me at all. He needed to deal with himself and he was unable to do that within our relationship. In retrospect, we had patterns that were bigger and more problematic than either of us were able to recognize. He didn't know how to find himself with me there.

I can understand. Sometimes we have to do our work alone, and our deeply entrenched patterns felt too deep for him to find himself in. If he could have left kindly - with just this narrative, instead of all the other stuff - I would have been heartbroken, but I would have been his cheerleader through it all.

But he had to burn it down hard. It was awful. I think he needed me to be the bad guy. He couldn’t leave a loving, present wife. But he could run away from an abusive, neglectful, empty marriage with an unsupportive emotional vampire. So that’s what he did.

We keep trying to be friends. He has shown up financially. He’s good with the kids. He’s a really good coparent, really.

I want him back in my life. We keep trying to figure out how to be friends. I love him. We were family. Just because our romantic partnership ended, we should still love and support each other.

We have tried to have connecting conversations. It helps a little. He has apologized, and has told me that I am important to him. That he cares about me, and wants me in his life. But the apologies feel vague and insufficient. He says he handled things badly, because he didn’t know how to get out of our marriage in a better way. He still holds onto these narratives about me being unsupportive, marginalizing, diminishing. It feels like he’s saying that, although most of what he said to me on the way out was true, he wishes he’d been able to be nicer about it. And he wants that to be enough. He needs us to move on to being friends and put this in the past.

I also feel like those apologies are vague, emotionally dishonest, and kind of bullshit. This was a major betrayal. This was not something we did to each other. It’s something he did to both of us. Not that I didn’t play my role, but nothing I did warranted the way he left, or the things he said about me.

You don’t get to change your entire narrative overnight, and suddenly turn a beloved, treasured, respected partner into kind of a monster just because you don’t want to be married anymore. I am still the person I was throughout our marriage, and he really loved that person for a long time. I didn’t just suddenly become a bad partner when he decided he didn’t want to be with me. Those were excuses, and justifications, and they were wrong.

I don’t feel like he’s been able or willing to own any of that.

I don't know how to get past it. I want to. I just can't hear the nice things he says over the echos of all the bad stuff. The warmth he shows me feels like a campfire in the arctic. It is not enough, and I am freezing to death out here.

I just still feel so lost. And I don’t know how to get off this roller coaster. In other parts of my life, I feel very stable, capable, reasonable. But where he is concerned, I feel like a wounded animal. I feel confused, angry, lost - I want to lash out and throw tantrums, and beg him to love me again. I feel raw, reactive, and desperate. I am such a mess, and I am so tired of this roller coaster.

What I want to be is more forgiving and flexible. I understand what happened and why he did what he did. I understand that he is still struggling and doesn’t have the emotional space or capacity to really meet my needs or even face his own crud right now. He’s still in that same crisis. He’s showing up to the best of his ability, and I want to stop being so angry and hurt. I want to move past this and love him for who he is, not who I want him to be. I want to be stronger than this.

If I needed less, I could have more. But I also feel really angry, resentful, and hurt about that. I shouldn’t have to take less. He should have continued to treat me with love and respect, and he should have done the necessary work on himself so that he didn’t need to self-destruct like this. At the very least, he should be able to really own and acknowledge his own actions, and make space for the hurt he caused. He should be a goddamned grownup.

Yes, I’m in therapy, I am medicated for my anxiety and depression, and I have a wonderful support network. I just can’t seem to find a reasonable equilibrium and stay there consistently.

How are we supposed to be friends, If I can’t forgive him?

TL;DR: My(42f) husband (50m) of 18 years left me a couple of years ago, totally out of the blue. It was sudden, messy, and ugly. We’re trying to be friends, but I can’t forgive him. How can I get off of this stupid emotional rollercoaster I've been on for these last two years?

Submitted July 08, 2022 at 12:34AM by OnTheDL42 https://ift.tt/TZ3QUan