Need advice on leaving my husband [25F] [25M] because he says he cannot work while living with me because he'd have to take the bus

My husband and I lived together before marriage for a month and have been married a month. In fact, before living together, he would talk about how important it was for a couple to live together and spend time together and he really wanted this. At the time, he was unemployed.

He's starting a job on Monday after I talked to him about not wanting to pay the rent and bills on my own (he was very reluctant at first but finally agreed, to my surprise), but has gone to his parents', saying that it is impossible for him to live with me while working because his parents can give him a ride to work. We looked up the bus from our apartment to his job, and it's 45 minutes, which I find very reasonable - everyone I know commutes an hour or more to work. He said no, absolutely not, I don't want to take the bus. To be clear, he takes the bus all the time so this isn't a phobia of his.

I have told him maybe you can settle into work for 2 weeks and then try at least ONE DAY and see how you feel taking the bus to work. I can even ride the bus with you the first day. If you're uncomfortable we can discuss this again, or you could ease into it by staying with me 2 days a week until you feel better about the bus. (He will work from 8 am - 3 pm Monday to Friday if it matters.)

He said no and that we can meet on Sundays for a walk and that just because we're married doesn't mean we have to live together. I told him I am sorry but this is not what I want out of marriage, to never live together (he says we will never live together as long as he is working) and he says I am being unreasonable and cruel.

He isn't interested in compromises like looking for a place closer to his work, saying that "even if the bus ride is 5 minutes, it's still more comfortable getting a ride than taking the bus" and realistically speaking, it's unlikely he can find a place directly across from his job....

He is not doing this to get out of marriage, I have told him I am not okay with this and that if he's sure he never wants to live with me as long as he's working, I would like a divorce, but he says if I loved him, I'd accept this and stop being so hung up on living together. what should I do? He won't grant me a divorce, and I want to just move, change my number, and never see him again if he doesn't love me enough to even TRY taking the bus one time and seeing how it goes....

EDIT: My fears were confirmed. I said to him "I'm sad that you don't want to live with me, your wife, just because of the bus. In the past you said if you really loved someone, you'd do anything to live with them (he said this in response to my asking why I have to pay for everything)." his response "If you think living together is so important, why did you say we shouldn't live together if I don't contribute financially?" (this was in the past, when he said "I will never work I will never contribute. You have to pay for everything forever" and I told him I'm not comfortable with living with him and not paying for everything, which did go on for 2 months). I said "that was different, I was afraid to be used"

He said "your paranoia about being used is suffocating me. whatever! I'm going to live w my parents. also I can save on the bus." I said "but as I explained, if for example I asked you to contribute 75% of your income to rent/bills/food/clothes/health, I'd ask for 75% minus cost of the bus." he said OMG you're so greedy! how can you want more than half of my income? you have so much money! why are you so greedy?" at that point...I knew this was NEVER about the bus. He wanted me to say "ok so you can't live w/me if you're working? don't work then!" if it had been about the bus, he wouldn't have found a way to say "ok so you want to live together right? so you admit that you were wrong to say we shouldn't live together if only you pay. so I can live for free now right?" at that point I blocked him.

Here's the thing. In the past, I always wracked my brain, thinking I was crazy and insane, why couldn't he understand when I explained calmly and clearly? (like when I said I wanted an equal partnership, meaning both parties do contribute, he'd repeat over and over i don't understand i don't understand i don't understand i don't understand i don't understand). Now I can see he understood every single word out of my mouth! He was just pretending not to....

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tl;dr: Need advice on leaving my husband, can't accept his long term plans of our lives and not wanting to share a life together.

Submitted November 26, 2021 at 01:48AM by Organic-Situation-37 https://ift.tt/30WkpPH