Tl;dr: Grandmother (GM) passing down family heirloom engagement ring to eldest granddaughter (me), mom (M) gets upset about how GM is handling sharing news about the ring, M upset, feeling I included in her first D’s engagement.
July of 2021, my BF (24) and me (23) moved out of our first apartment. We lived together for 2 years and are coming up on 4 years of dating. BF took a job about 2 hours from me, and I went to grad school. BF expressed interest in engagement shortly after we moved out. My GM has stated while growing up that whoever gets engaged first, if they want my GGM engagement ring, they can have it. My GM wants it passed down through the family. She does not want it sold and the proceeds split as it has extreme sentimental value. I am the oldest of the 4 cousins, and the only one in a long term, committed, serious relationship. I asked BF if it would be ok to ask my GM if she would feel comfortable passing down the heirloom to me, and he agreed. I talked to my GM and she was so excited for me. The next evening, I talked to my M on the phone and at the end the conversation I told her very excitedly what is going on with engagement and the ring. She became furious, upset and disappointed that I told my GM before I told her. She quickly ended the phone call and proceeded to text me about how hurt she was that I would tell my GM the BF expressed interest in engagement, before her. The text messages really hurt my feelings and made me feel so sad when I should be feeling happy about what is to come in the future. M sent text messages going as far to say “fine have GM plan your wedding and baby shower someday since you don’t want to include me at all!!”
Fast forward, I finally sat my M and F down in August and we talked about the ring. First it was about how much the ring was worth and what was considered fair with the other extended family members. Then came the issue of me telling my GM before I told my M. The conclusion we came to after that conversation between my M and F is that in the future, if it becomes a problem among the extended family (which at this point they all know and are excited for me), we will work it out then, but at the end of the day this is between me, my BF and my GM. Things were good for a while after this.
BF and BF’s mom made the decision to attend thanksgiving with my family. BF’s mom is very nice. BF’s family lives about 2 hours south of my family. GM and I had had discussions weeks ago about me seeing the ring in person over the Thanksgiving break while I would be in town for a few days. I have only ever seen pictures. 2 days before thanksgiving M texts me saying that if there is an announcement about engagement at thanksgiving, she wants to be the first to know. Specifically, she wants to know before GM does. M told me she doesn’t want to fight about this and she wants to be happy for me. I told her that I hear her, I plan to keep her in the loop, that there will be no announcement over Thanksgiving or even probably Christmas because the ring needs to be sized and re-set. I told M that if she has any questions to ask my BF or talk to GM. BF and I have a lot of events coming up in 2022 where he could ask me to be his wife but it will probably happen in the spring. M thanked me, stated she was excited, and expressed again that if GM tells M that she knows details of the engagement before M does it will break her heart. M then told me that she wants to know before Facebook, which obviously I plan to let my immediate family know first when it happens. I assure M again she would be kept in the loop.
On thanksgiving, BF, me and my youngest sibling went to GMs house about 45 minutes before thanksgiving started to help set up. GM had pulled out the safe and wanted to show me the ring. Another cousin was also at her house while she did this. I tried on the ring so GM could make sure I liked it before BF and GM took it to the jewelers to take it apart and reset it. I did not know GM was going to show me the ring, but I was very excited to see it.
Thanksgiving happens, BF’s M is there, and everyone seems to get along. I made explicit instructions to GM and GP to not discuss the ring at thanksgiving because 1) the engagement hasn’t happened yet and 2) I did not want to make my M upset, especially with BF’s M present. BF and I left thanksgiving first, I helped BF get on the road home before holiday traffic. GM asked me before I left if she could talk to BF’s M about the ring and if BF’s M knows about it. I told her yes, she does know about the ring. This is the first time they have had a chance to talk in 2 years so I said yes, you can talk to BF’s M about it.
I left thanksgiving with BF. I thought all was well. Apparently, M overheard GM and BF’s M talking about the ring and became upset. M felt excluded from the conversation. M then left thanksgiving to cool off. GM walked BF’s M to her car and said goodbye. GM asked M what’s wrong, and M said something along the lines of “you need to stay in your lane, OP is my daughter and you are the GM.” This upset GM. M was also upset.
I reunited with my immediate family about an hour later, and M was upset, would not share about what. I showed my siblings and my D the ring, I later showed M a picture of the ring. M, D and I sat down for a conversation about it last night in which M states she feels purposely excluded and not in the loop. She feels like OP went “ring shopping” without her and she missed out on a beautiful moment. M stated she feels like GM purposely did not tell her about showing OP the ring. I should mention, before this M and GM have always had a great relationship. The conclusion we all came to is that anything having to do with the ring, no matter how small, M needs to know about it and be included. The next step is getting it set at a jeweler my GM trusts. I encouraged my M to please reach out to BF and GM to go with them to get the ring set. Please reach out to BF to get details on how he plans to propose to OP.
Today, (Black Friday), M asked me “did you know GM was going to pull the ring out before thanksgiving?” I told her no, her and I had talked about me seeing the ring while I was in town but I didn’t know she was going to have it on Thanksgiving.
My feelings are really hurt with all of this. My M is not the only person in my life who is allowed to be happy for me. I understand why she is upset and her emotions are valid, but at the end of the day, if she wants to know more about the ring and what’s going on with it, she needs to bring it up to someone who knows more than me. My GM is getting up there in age and I don’t think blaming her is the right thing to do. Any advice or validation you all have is greatly appreciated. I just need to vent and see if anyone has something to share along the lines. I had no clue this was going to be as messy as it is. I should not have to walk on eggshells or worry about hurting M’s feelings.
Submitted November 26, 2021 at 01:10PM by EmotionGloomy4981 https://ift.tt/315aYhi
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