My(31F) boyfriend(35M, 2.5 years) is friends with my old bully(30F) and I'm having a really hard time with this.

When I was 22 I worked with this girl (X) who was just a mean girl. She only liked men, with the exception of one other woman, and was just a generally unkind person ie: making fun of overweight customers, the nerdy coworker, etc. She made fun of most our not "cool" coworkers when they weren't in the room and anytime i walked in a room, she would stop talking and her expression would let me know that she had just been making fun of me as well. Left the store, never thought of her again.

My boyfriend's best friend (Y) started dating someone new last year and it ended up being her. A side note, my boyfriend previous to us dating has always told me how girls being funny is one of the most attractive qualities to him, and when we started dating he has made comments telling me that he doesn't find me funny. It has hurt a lot because I know I'm not a funny person. I'm an awkward, nerdy, weird engineer and people have made comments my entire life speculating that I'm on the spectrum, even though I'm not. There was a coworker (Z) that my boyfriend had a crush on prior to us dating and he would rave about how funny she is and how she is his dream woman, and we had issues in the past with him being inappropriate with her (sending love letters, having secret FT dates)...so the humor issue is a massive insecurity of mine in the context of our relationship.

We had a trip for my birthday last year, shortly after X started dating Y, and it was a disaster. I really didn't want to go for a lot of reasons: 1) It was a surf trip and I don't surf, only he does 2) I felt guilty about traveling during a pandemic 3) I had a modest birthday planned already in a park with my friends and he bought the tickets knowing I already had those plans and that it would cancel the plans with my friends 4) I had just found out that he was having secret facetime dates with Z while I was grieving my aunt dying in a pretty traumatic way from covid 5) It was during a work week so I would need to be working while abroad, and I suspected I would have internet issues especially since I work with pretty heavy files. I brought up all these concerns and they were dismissed and I felt strong armed into going. I wish I put my foot down and said "no" but the combination of being a people pleaser and feeling detached due to grief, I caved and went. It was awful. I was sick the entire time and could barely work, let alone get up at the crack of dawn to try to paddle out while my boyfriend surfed. I just would hang out by myself during off work hours while my boyfriend surfed or got me medicine or food. We fought a lot.

When we got back, BF invited me to have lunch and drinks with X&Y in Y's yard. I picked up some drinks and headed over and saw that there was a bunch of takeout already eaten and everyone was already wasted. The mood was off on my arrival and X did the same thing she used to do when we worked together. She stopped talking and had a smirk on her face. Everyone got quiet when I arrived and the vibe was generally hostile. I felt like they were jsut talking about me. BF had his back turned towards me the entire time and X made snide comments to me while BF laughed hysterically at all her jokes and ignored me. Y didn't say anything to anyone. When BF and I talked about it later, he told me if I wanted attention, my jokes should land better. A stab right in my insecurity. I was extremely hurt and we broke up only for him to beg for my forgiveness later. I did under the condition that he goes to therapy and distances himself from X. He agreed.

The problem is that BF and Y are best, childhood friends and X is always with Y. If I'm around, X&Y will always be busy, so I never see them, but when I'm not around, Y is always available and X is always with him. I feel incredibly hurt and triggered everytime I find out later that they had dinner together, or went surfing or whatever. BF seems to think its a me problem, I don't really know what to do. I get anxiety everytime I find out the 3 of them are together.

Reddit, aside from breaking up, what can I do? I'd like to explore all solutions before making a more extreme decision like that. Am I at fault for feeling upset that BF & X keep hanging out? I just know he's laughing at all her jokes while he ignores me. Is there anything we can do to move forward?

TL;DR: BF's childhood best friend is dating an old bully of mine. BF and bully have bullied me together and now I feel triggered when they hang out. Am I at fault for feeling upset that BF & X keep hanging out? Is there anything we can do to move forward?

Submitted November 26, 2021 at 04:45PM by notlike_workoriented https://ift.tt/3cW6USI