My [25F] boyfriend [25M] has no sex drive and is no longer romantically attracted to me because of my frequent breakdowns.

I am severely mentally ill and have been since I was a young teenager. Despite over a decade of therapy and more medication trials than I can count, I am still unwell. This is one of the first things I tell prospective partners. When I first met my current boyfriend I made him aware of my problems and warned him that although I try my best, I still struggle, and he should not go in with the expectation that I will get “better.” He assured me he could handle it and would take me as I am.

We have been together for a little over a year now and we share an apartment. He is, with one exception, everything I could ever want from a partner. Unfortunately, as time has gone on my mental health issues have taken a serious toll on our relationship, as expected. In addition, I’ve started developing physical health issues that have exacerbated my feelings of hopelessness and helplessness and prevented me from doing as much of my share in the practical sense, like helping around the house.

On one of our first dates my now-boyfriend told me that he rarely has interest in sex and that I was the first exception in a long time. I naively assumed I would stay the exception, as the first few months we had sex frequently. This unfortunately dwindled to the point that we’ve only had intercourse twice since moving in together three months ago. He now has zero drive, and doesn’t even masturbate. A couple times he’s made the effort to at least get me off manually or orally, but hasn’t cared or been able to get hard enough to let me reciprocate. He seems ashamed and acknowledges something is wrong if pressed, but mostly shrugs it off.

Recently he revealed to me that he usually takes an ED tablet like BlueChew before sex. Apparently even the first time we slept together he had to take one. I expressed concern that such a low libido, and what seems to be outright sexual dysfunction, may indicate a medical problem at his young age. He originally agreed and said he’d see a doctor, but months have passed and he still hasn’t made an appointment despite frequent reminders.

The other day I had a sobbing meltdown over something relatively trivial, during which he had to comfort me for about an hour. Afterwards I asked if it makes him feel less attracted to me when I break down like a child. He was silent for a long time before admitting that yes, it does affect him to constantly have to play caretaker. He said he doesn’t feel capable of romantic attraction right now. I asked if this had anything to do with our sex life and he said he thinks it has almost everything to do with it.

He said that in the past when a relationship has become dysfunctional he’s lost interest in sex, and that during functional relationship periods and in between relationships, he has experienced sexual attraction. This seems to contradict what he said in the beginning about having had little interest in sex until he met me. It also doesn’t explain why he still hasn’t wanted to touch me when we’ve had relatively good periods recently, though I suppose his perception of me could be permanently altered, which is my fear.

My sexual needs aren’t being met, and my self esteem has taken a hit. I miss feeling close to the person I love and desired by him. Now I feel like the problem is my fault—that this is something I’ve inflicted on myself. I feel dreadful. My boyfriend says he isn’t blaming me, since he isn’t mad about it.

I asked him why he sticks around if he’s not attracted to me sexually or romantically. He said that he still thinks I’m his soulmate and that we can get through this. He expressed that he does expect me to get “better,” though. I reminded him that I have been struggling for a very long time and my lack of progress is not for lack of trying.

A day later he suggested that the main problem contributing to his loss of interest in sex is that I’m often mean to him when I’m moody. He’s right that it’s something I need to work on, but hearing this confused me because I thought the main problem was my emotional infantility. I see how the two are related, but I don’t know if the problem is that his feelings are hurt or that he sees me as a child (the former seems fixable, the latter does not). He admitted he doesn’t know either.

Even if I could learn to live without physical intimacy, my concern is that this conflict points to a deeper problem within our relationship. I’d appreciate an outside perspective. Before suggesting that we just break up, please understand that we love each other very much and both of us would do almost anything to preserve this relationship.

TL;DR: My boyfriend had a low libido before we started dating, but overcame this in the beginning of our relationship, during which we frequently had sex. Now he has no interest in intimacy and suggests it’s because of my severe emotional instability, which makes him feel like a caretaker instead of a partner. I have a mean streak that he says may also play a role. I’m unsure what the problem actually is and whether or not it’s fixable, and I don’t think he knows either, but we both want this relationship to work.

Submitted November 28, 2021 at 10:30PM by parkingpreferences https://ift.tt/3o2FQaU