TLDR: Boyfriend of 3.5 years has severe mental health issues and zero self control with drinking. He's made promises to be better to me but it has increasingly become a problem in our relationship. I'm moving out from he and I's apartment tomorrow and I just need some support. Should it just be a break or a break-up?
Full story:
I've been dating my boyfriend for 3.5 years. It's been a rocky start from the beginning, but long story short I toughed it out and loved this man through some of his lowest lows over the years. He struggles with complex mental health issues due to experiencing a LOT of trauma as a child and young adult. I've been holding on through his depression, drinking, and suicidal thoughts since day 1 because he has a tremendous heart and we really connected. His mental health took a positive turn this past year and he had a pretty big breakthrough- However this was accompanied with a "spiritual awakening" and full immersion into conspiracy-culture that has envolved into a massive superiority complex that has been absolutely infuriating. (Different story entirely but this has certainly been an aggravating factor).
On top of this, he has continued to struggle with the less-disabling signs of depression including constant random irritability (that he often takes out on me) and complete lack of impulse control.
He's gotten better about managing his irritability when sober (there's still bad days here and there, and it really fucking sucks) but EVERY SINGLE TIME he drinks (no matter the time, place, or circumstance) he gets absolutely obliterated - and he's a mean drunk. He's especially mean when he feels "backed into a corner". I.e - He gets defensive and verbally abusive whenever he is drunk. I have spent the past 3.5 years being the "DD" because he simply refuses to control himself, and we do not keep alcohol in the house unless it's a special occasion (and even then, it is ONLY enough for that evening).
A few weeks ago I hit a breaking point after he got way too intoxicated at my nephew's 4th birthday party and began verbally berating me after I tried to cut him off. After leaving the birthday party in tears and an explosive argument, we had a long talk, he apologized and we agreed to move forward. That next weekend he got unbelievably hammered while out with his friends on a Sunday night, which resulted in me being up until 4am trying to 1) find where the hell he was to pick him up because he was too blasted to even call an Uber and 2) making sure he didn't aspirate on his vomit on our bathroom floor. This officially put him on critically thin ice, especially after the prior week and since I'm a full time law student with a part time gig at a law firm and I have to be up incredibly early on weekdays. After that incident I gave him the ultimatum - Get your shit together and get into therapy, or I'm done. He (finally) agreed.
I was hopeful, and even thought things were finally going to stablize again until tonight. I felt like maybe I finally reached him, but I was sorely mistaken.
My dad invited us over for dinner and naturally, drinks were involved. We intentionally only brought a four pack and some very low alcohol seltzers for myself and my stepmother (that he doesn't like) as a strategy to keep him from drinking too much.
The seltzers and beers ran out just in time and we all were hardly even buzzed and enjoying the evening. Everything was going to plan - until he went into the kitchen and helped himself to three heaping glasses of whiskey and pepsi without asking and unbeknownst to any of us. We didn't realize what he had done until he was throwing up on himself and all over my dad's blankets hours later.
I managed to get him off the floor and into the bathroom where he completely slouched off the toilet and began idly puking on his side and onto the bathroom rug and floor. After throwing up for several minutes I begged him to drink water and tried to help him and he responded with: "shut up."
At that point I just left him there and went outside to apologize to my dad. It turned into a full breakdown and my dad invited me to move back in with him. I'm taking him up on his offer and moving out tomorrow.
I love him, but at this point I've lost sight of why. His "good" qualities no longer outweigh the "bad" and I'm so fed up with waiting for him to be the man he constantly promises me he will be. I'm exhausted, heartbroken, and sad. The past few days were the first time I really started feeling emotionally connected again in our relationship in a LONG time (for various reasons) and tonight it all came crashing down at my feet in a serious way. I'm tired of asking to be loved, cared for, and respected in the most basic ways.
I don't want to do this, but I feel like I have to. Moving in with my dad means I will have to commute much farther to/from work and school. All of the furniture in my boyfriend's and I's apartment is mine but his name is on the lease and I have nowhere to put it so it's just easier for me to pick up and leave for now..
It all just sucks and I'm just.. I don't know.. part of me is hoping that me moving out will be a reality check but I know better than to hope he will change "for me".
How do you walk away from someone you still love but isn't healthy for you? Do they ever change? I just need some words of encouragement and support right now.
Submitted April 20, 2021 at 02:34AM by ReadyChance https://ift.tt/3tv4wsS
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