-- TL;DR -- My (f39) boyfriend (m38) and I have been together for 12 years, I found out he has been cheating for most of, if not the entire, relationship. I haven't talked with anyone about it for fear of embarrassment for me, and weirdly him... How do I move forward without the pain and anger?
I don't even know where to begin..... I apologize now if I'm all over the place with this, I probably need therapy, but I feel like the key to therapy is just talking and someone to listen to it, and I know there are plenty of listening ears on reddit. Also, it feels necessary to note that this is my first post on Reddit.
I'm going to try to sum it all up.... I've been with my boyfriend for 12 years, I'm 39, he's 38, about 2 years ago(I can't believe it's been that long, longest 2 years of my life!) I found out he's been cheating on me, for at least the last 5 years, probably the whole relationship, but I only found proof, VIDEO proof, of up to 5 years ago. We started using YouTube tv, which without either of us realizing it, linked me to his Google account, so one day I was on my phone and saw a pic of some chick naked in my photos... Leading to me discovering 5 years worth of pictures, videos, emails of all the sex with other people that has been going on without me knowing. Men and women. He even used to seek out sex on Craigslist. I don't even think that exists anymore! Anyway, throughout our time together I had caught him talking with other chicks, to the point where I was ready to be done with the lying and sneaking around. He always made it out to be like I was crazy, up until I would find proof and then he would say it was just talking it was never anything more. And the idiot I am, I somehow always let it go and moved on. In the back of my mind, I knew, but when you love someone and your life is so intertwined I guess you choose to believe what you want/need to. There was a point when I was ready to be done, and then I got pregnant. So needless to say, I stayed.... Back to falling in the rabbit hole of him putting his dick into literally any willing participant, I kind of lost myself. How could I be so stupid? How did I not know!? How did I let him, over and over, make me feel like I was just overreacting to things I was suspicious of? How could he lie to me like this? Trust, completely gone. Yet, here I am, still.... Except, I can't get past it. I've tried. I've tried to be open minded to the fact that he says it was purely a sexual desire thing, even though lying and sneaking around and fucking with my head was a huge part of it.... I've tried to move forward, together. But it never leaves my mind. Every time his phone makes a noise, I cringe. Today we haven't spoken, bc yesterday he got mad that I took a 2 hour nap. He was giving me shit about it, it led to a shouting match and him breaking a lamp, and we haven't spoken since. He's been in a spare bedroom all day, we pass by each other randomly in the house, not speaking. Over a fucking nap. It's like every little thing unleashes all the horrible things I feel from the rest of what I've been through with him. I feel betrayed, hurt, broken, lost, unloved, alone.
I'm leaving so much out, but I don't know how to let go, or if I should be letting it go? I haven't told anyone, bc I'm too embarrassed, and bc I'm afraid to give anyone a shitty impression of him. Which is so fucked up! Bc they should have one, what he did was shitty as fuck!! Also, I still think he does it. I don't have proof anymore, bc he of course has changed everything, I have no access to anything of his. Which is just more of a sign to me that it's continuing even though he said it wouldn't. I mean, I'm sure just by reading the small bit of the story I've shared here, you can probably agree that he is still just lying to me. What the fuck am I doing!? I'm almost 40 years old and this is my life!? I guess my question is, how do I move forward with him, without all the pain and anger coming along with me?
Submitted January 25, 2020 at 05:23PM by cerealisahoax https://ift.tt/2t3z7nw
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