My husband has depression and often he lashes out or is very condescending/hurtful as a result. For example, he calls the things I enjoy stupid and makes me feel poorly for liking whatever it is. After awhile I finally had enough and told him to leave the house and come back when he has gone to therapy. He refused to leave and said many times he wanted to kill himself and he would if I made him leave our kids. I got really worried bc his behavior was not improving and he told me that all his happy faces are fake.
So, I did a bad thing, and I went into his phone. I wanted to see if he had searched for anything concerning or if he had any plans written down. He would have something written down for our kids if he had any real plans on harming himself.
I know what I did is an invasion of privacy and a breach of his trust. I understand this and I feel badly. But at the time I justified it with myself that I would rather do an uncool thing but have my husband alive than do nothing and he hurt himself.
Well, I did find things. There was a sort of half hearted suicide note, but it was more just like venting. It was sad to read but was a little relief that there wasn’t any solid plans. But then I got to the bottom. The last paragraph was about me, and how much he dislikes me. “Sour bitch” is what he called me. I had to leave for 4 days to another state for my grandpas funeral and about that he wrote that those 4 days were the best he’d ever felt. Then I came home and he was reminded of how “all I do is fight” (he’s right that I was in a bad mood, it was 11pm and I had just driven 14 hours with an infant in the backseat.. I asked him for help and he rolled his eyes so I got upset). He stated in this paragraph that he thinks the only reason he is depressed is bc he is trapped with me as his wife; it said he can’t leave bc I would get custody of the kids like the bitch I am. This was f-big heartbreaking. I hid for a week that I had read it before I told him. Obviously he is mad I got into his phone. When I told him I felt like he hates me his response was “I don’t care, feel how you want”. I asked if he really feels those things and he said no, but in a very annoyed tone.
I know I’m the wrong one here for reading his private thoughts. But I can’t stop thinking about what he wrote. Should I just let this go? How much groveling do I need to do? Should I expect more remorse on his end? I am hurt, but I don’t know how much I should push it down.
Tl;dr : I read my husbands journal and he blames me for his depression and suicidal thoughts. Am I right to be upset?
Submitted January 03, 2020 at 07:09PM by SuddenConcern https://ift.tt/37AAWa8
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