My (F36) sister in law (F29) and one of her children (M9) died in an accident, now everyone is mad at me

This will be super long, but I am trying to give all the relevant details. I will preface this by saying I did not know my sister in law well, she was my husband’s half sister. In fact, I’m not close with any of my inlaws and neither is my husband for the most part. My husband, his sister, and his brother all have the same mother, but each have a different father. However, my FIL helped raise husband’s siblings until he and MIL split for the last time when SIL was 13. My husband and inlaws are from the meth capital of the world. His entire family has substance abuse issues. My FIL(54) is a raging (breaks things/starts bar fights) alcoholic which is why he is no longer with MIL, he also occasionally smokes crack. MIL(53) is addicted to prescription drugs and weed, my BIL(19) dropped out of high school and has since only done drugs in MIL’s garage, which is also his bedroom. MIL recently married the drug dealer she’s been intermittently with since leaving FIL.

So it was not a surprise when SIL left home at 14 addicted to meth. She initially slept with dealers to feed her habit, then was essentially trafficked by the man that later became her husband. Her husband (they may even be divorced, it’s being looked into) will be in prison for a very long time. He was charged with meth manufacturing/distributing, blowing up a property, and accidentally killing people and his parents because of his negligence. I don't know when that occurred, but from my understanding, SIL got clean not long after to keep the kids. Three of these children she had herself, three are her husband's from previous "relationships," (other women like SIL). I’m told the women relinquished their parenting rights (also being looked into).

SIL’s children by birth: 6M, 9M (deceased), 12F

Husband's: 11M, 13M, 16M

The 6, 9, and 13 year old all have varying issues from exposure to drugs in vitro (developmental and some physical).

It is believed SIL somehow lost control of her vehicle resulting in the death of her and the 9 year old in the front seat. It may have been drug related. The remaining kids went into care until family members could be reached. She did not have much of a relationship with her family since leaving home. One of the last times we saw her was years ago when we were visiting my FIL. She was super high at a gas station and solicited my husband- she didn’t realize who he was. Needless to say my husband was devastated and we tried to get her help, but she stole my purse and ran. A few years after that, she came to visit FIL’s house and we met her and the kids. She was a bit drunk, but she didn’t seem high. The youngest was about 12 months then and the rest of them were completely out of control; with a penchant for stealing too. We hadn’t seen her since, none of the inlaws had either.

To put it bluntly, my husband would have had a similar fate if he had not met me. My situation was not good, but it wasn’t because of drugs, it was because of militant religion and all kinds of abuse. We both grew up very, very poor and I did not want that to be my fate. I ran away at 15, got two jobs while going to high school and when he wanted to date I told him he needed to get his shit together because I wouldn’t let him hold me back. He stopped smoking pot, stopped excessively drinking and surprised us all by joining the military. We have been stationed overseas for most of the past 19 years. He is retiring next year when he hits his 20 year mark.

My husband and I didn’t want kids until we were both done with our respective educations and in a financially sound place. When that happened, we didn’t actively try for kids but we weren’t taking steps to prevent pregnancy either. It never happened. About 2 years ago, my husband abruptly decided he no longer wanted children and did not want to discuss it. This was at the same time my FIL announced he had cancer and all our attention and extra finances went to help him because he did not have insurance. I even took out a 65k loan at husband’s request to help pay for some treatment FIL needed. We were no longer financially stable, so I never brought kids up again.

A few weeks ago I was looking for some pictures on our shared computer when I discovered a hidden folder. It was filled with pictures of a roughly two-year-old boy that looked remarkably like my husband. After further investigating everything in the house, including finding a hidden phone, I learned my husband has been leading a double life. Where I thought our 19 year marriage was a strong one, he has been having an affair for three years. All the times he had to leave because of the military, half of them were fake. The woman knows about me. They have said terrible, terrible things about me. He is planning on divorcing me as soon as he retires and we go back to the states so he can bring his mistress and their son over. He also plans to ask for alimony from me because I have made more money while we’ve been married and pretty much carried us financially. I paid for both of our educations, most of the bills, and all groceries. While the military provided structure and discipline, he didn’t always like it so he will be retiring at his recent rank of E-5. He does not know that I know about his secret life. I am still a bit shell shocked, we were what everyone called the perfect couple. There were never any red flags in that regard.

All of that is relevant because the inlaws and everyone else are pressuring us to adopt SIL’s children. They think because we are more successful than they are we can afford to take care of everything and everyone. They want me to move back now, to get a place to take everyone in- including MIL, BIL, and SFIL on top of the children. If adopted, the military will cover the children’s insurance and I believe we’d get a larger housing allowance, but that would only last until he got out. He flat out said no to adopting because he “didn’t want some drug addled kids ruining my retirement.” We would also be missing my income if I left now, which would be a significant blow- especially in light of the money we’ve borrowed for FIL.

It would have been a hard decision before I found out about my husband, but since I know about his deceit, I really don’t think we could adopt them and I have that man in my life for the rest of my life. I’ve been monitoring communication between him and his mistress, and she is now encouraging him to adopt. Her reasoning is that they could get custody of the kids and get child support and alimony from me, then they could pawn the children off on the inlaws. He is now fully on board with her idea and has started saying things like, Oh he shouldn’t be so harsh, those poor kids need family, etc etc. Essentially trying to soften me up to do this after he said no before.

Frankly I’m disgusted by everyone. They all see these kids who have been through immeasurable tragedy as pawns instead of people. They are going to need therapy for sure, and I’m also fairly sure they will need medical and dental intervention because they did not appear to be getting it the last time we saw them. I have been told the youngest has never even been to a doctor and none of them have ever been to a dentist. I really want what is best for the children, however as ashamed as I am to say, I am not sure that I am the right person. I’m around kids at work, but I realize it’s different than actual parenting. I don’t think I could support 5 kids as a single parent and I’m not sure I am emotionally equipped for an instant family that will need a lot of attention when my life is falling apart and I am already heartbroken.

I’m also not sure that I could do well as a special needs parent. They need someone with experience to help them navigate all their feelings and life in general and especially since they are acting out, they need someone who can be fully dedicated to them from the beginning.The pressure from the inlaws as well as their friends/people back there is intensifying. Everyone is telling me I’m a terrible person for not immediately quitting my job and flying out. The kids are in multiple care homes and acting out. I don’t want to tip my hand and say anything about my husband because I am trying to figure out the best steps to take so I don’t get screwed in a divorce. Part of me wants to blow up his life because he’s a lying cheating SOB, but the other part of me doesn’t want to stoop to his level. He’s already told his family he’s deferring to me on this, so reddit, what do I say to them?

tl;dr: SIL and nephew die, leaving 5 kids. Not sure if I should adopt with an imminent divorce from their uncle, kids have nowhere else to go other than foster care but it sounds like they want to stay together

Edit: I have a spy app thing and a key logger collecting all of his written correspondences on his hidden phone and computers. It sends all of it to a throwaway email account he does not know about. I also have copies of everything else. Saving up for the retainer for a lawyer so I can get legal advice.

Submitted December 23, 2019 at 05:16PM by proxymomoffive https://ift.tt/2QaNdee