My (25F) Husband's (25M) Grandmother (79F) doesn't believe in invisible illnesses or disabilities and my husband won't stand up for me.

So to start, I have 2 really impactful chronic health conditions. I have a genetic disorder, hEDS, which makes my joints unstable so I am easily injured and have had a few injuries that have led to permanent damage that no surgery or physical therapy will fix. I was diagnosed 2 years ago, given the nature of hEDS though I've had it my entire life and have had issues with it since childhood and will continue to be impacted all my life. The second condition is Ulcerative colitis, which is autoimmune, I have been in a flare since January and was officially diagnosed in August. It has already been staged as severe and if my current medication doesn't achieve remission I'll be put on a biologic in January 2020. It's also caused anemia due to the long and severe flare.

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 2. His family overall likes me and the only issue with them in general was that we didn't have a traditional formal wedding. His parents quickly moved on from caring about that but his grandmother hasn't and has decided that anything she doesn't agree with or particularly like that my husband does is somehow my fault.

On top of that, she refuses to believe that my health conditions are valid and feels strongly that I "need to pull myself up by my bootstraps", join the military and possibly see combat and that'll "straighten [me] out". Never mind that I wouldn't be able to join due to my health and no recruiter would want me to. She's said that in general she doesn't believe young people can be sick or disabled and that those without an obvious mental impairment or not confined to a wheelchair are absolutely not disabled and would benefit from military service. She also believes that for someone to be disabled they must have had that disability since birth and with the severity staying consistent. "People don't just suddenly get sick and if they actually are disabled, they don't just suddenly get worse."

I know that the likelyhood of her changing her mind is incredibly low. The thing that bothers me most is that my husband never defends me. He says to me when I ask him that he likes to remain "neutral" when talking to his grandmother about me. What he considers neutral is very clearly not actually neutral nor is it at all helpful or supportive of me.

For instance, he was on the phone with his grandmother on Saturday discussing Christmas plans and I overheard him respond to her asking about me with,"oh you know, the usual. [Pause] "Yes. She still thinks that." He said it all in that tone of voice people will use when they're discussing the actions of a person they don't agree with.

When they got off the phone I asked him about it and he confirmed that, yes, they were discussing how I was still sick or at least as his grandmother feels that I still think I'm sick. He then once again reminded me that he was handling it by being "neutral" because he's not feeding into it by directly bashing me but passively agreeing because its "too much effort" and "serves no purpose" to defend me when it won't change her mind about disabled people in general or necessarily how she'll view me. He told me that I "need to get over this" and it seems like I have a mental health problem if something like this really bothers me.

I really don't think I'm being too sensitive. I haven't been allowed to accompany him on visits to his grandparents' house in the past 2 years, he always takes my car (leaving me without a vehicle because I can't drive his company vehicle), and has in the past gone for lunch said he'd be home for dinner and then didn't get back til around 8 pm and didn't text me to let me know he was eating with them because his grandmother finds people using their phones in her presence rude and disrespectful.

Honestly, I feel like I'm being majorly disrespected in that he never defends me and bends over backwards for his grandmother to prevent her from throwing a fit.

Now, the current issue is that we're both expected to go to her house for Christmas where we'll both be expected to spend the majority of the day. He won't stand up for me and doesn't want me to "make a scene" or "stir the pot" by standing up for myself which means that I'm supposed to just passively take a day's worth of passive aggressive comments and act polite, apologetic, passive and give vague answers without bringing my health up when asked about me.

I really don't want to follow that plan. All of the rest of his family is kind and supportive of me. His mother has even said she views me like one of her own kids. Other people there are more likely to defend me, especially my mother in law. I just don't know what to do. If he keeps passively staying his version of "neutral" it could even negatively impact my health. Certain medications I may need, including my current ones, can suppress my immune system and since she doesn't believe in autoimmune diseases she may lie about sick relatives or he may even avoid asking so as not to bring up my health. I know my mother in law will likely have my back and keep sick people away from me but I'm concerned that my husband doesn't take me seriously and will let something happen in an effort to "keep the peace". Honestly, to at least some degree, I feel my husband doesn't care about my health conditions or even agrees with his grandmother.

After all, he's never read up on the 2 conditions I live with even when I provided him with resources including print outs and brochures from my doctors so it's not like I told him to Google a certain website and he just forgot. He's said that whatever the papers say I can just tell him but to stick to what's currently relevant to my case. I know that he knows, and believes, I do have these conditions but I feel he downplays them. He does show worry and concern and helps me and takes care of me at home but often can't handle serious conversations or anything emotional.

How do I handle this? Do I stand up for myself? Do I provide medical proof? How can I better get through to my husband that this isn't just me being sensitive? How do I explain how exhausting it is to take on the full emotional burden of explaining and defending my health repeatedly to various people or having to just act 'normal' as well as the physical toll it takes on me?

I feel like I've already tried everything, I've been patient, I've been empathetic, I know how to communicate effectively, but I just can't get through to him that it's his responsibility to defend me to his family. He's supposed to advocate for me too. I can't just do it all.

I'm not staying home. I don't want to have to exile myself from people I enjoy the company of just because of this one person and I don't think it would be fair to just let him take my car so he can go by himself and leave me home alone all day on Christmas. I have my own family, but without my car I wouldn't be able to see them either. Plus, I don't know if this makes sense but I can't stand the thought of him taking my car and leaving me alone so that he can spend time with someone I know insults me even more when I'm not around. In a sense, it feels like I'm being taken advantage of and being treated like an unimportant object.

TL;DR: I have health conditions that my grandmother in law doesn't believe in and my husband allows her to insult me to my face and behind my back. I'm expected to spend Christmas with her, be polite and not bring up the 'controversial topic' of my health while evading her intrusive questions. The rest of my in laws are pretty good but I still don't want to put up with insults from my husband's grandmother or him not defending me. How can I get him to work with me instead of against me on this?

Submitted December 23, 2019 at 02:59PM by ProgKitten https://ift.tt/2rmIIVv