My (41f) husband (45m) had an affair last year and I'm having a very hard time getting past it....and he insults me.

There's so much background so I'm just going to focus on the immediate issue. Married 8 years.

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He lied to me about his relationship (which I deem as inappropriate....it was an emotional affair) with a coworker 3 years ago. Since then, I had a very hard time trusting him.

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Last year, he had a short-lived affair. He blamed me for being so cold and never trusting him. Anyway, we stayed together. Now, I'm finding I get triggered as we move closer to Christmas (when he had the affair). We've been having more arguments about everything lately. Basically, where before I would often give in, do things his way, keep the peace, I know feel like....F THAT.

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I've always done what he wants for Christmas (ex: his preference is to shop for hours on Christmas Eve...I hate malls and have never liked that but he's always really wanted this so we do it; another preference is to drive 4 hours to his mom's house on Christmas morning....I've suggested compromising....one year yes, the other year no, or going the week before...but he always cares a lot so we've always done what he wants).

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This Christmas, after such an awful betrayal, I no longer feel I should have to do what he wants and I've told him so. We are having a relaxing Christmas Eve at home to watch movies (so get the shopping done this weekend), and this year we can visit his mom on Boxing Day because I have plans I really want to do on Christmas Day (having a relaxed Christmas brunch with our friends, playing boardgames and watching movies). I've never been able to do this during our whole relationship.

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He gets mad at me and says I'm still punishing him for making a mistake. Then I get upset and remind him that he actually broke our vows and cheated on me and that I lost respect for him and think he's a horrible person. He ends up telling me:

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Anyone would cheat on you. You're a nagging, angry person. At least she was sweet and kind, and she had a great body.

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This reduces me to tears, and then he tells me I'm playing the victim because I started it.

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I don't even know what to do anymore. I can't tell any of my friends because they would hate him. Can this be salvaged through couple's therapy? AM I being a victim? Am I starting shit?

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tldr: since husband had an affair, I no longer kowtow to his expectations and simply say no if I don't want to do something....this leads to fights and he ends up insulting me and throwing the affair in my face.

Submitted December 21, 2019 at 10:30AM by Soggy-Relationship https://ift.tt/2s9fc64