My [26M] girlfriend [24F] of 3 years got super drunk and kissed somebody else. We talked, and I want to know if this plan we came up with for healing seems reasonable.

We went out to a party with some friends of ours. We didn't eat beforehand, and planned to get fast food. That never ended up happening, though, so both me and my GF ended up a lot drunker than anticipated. She's a lot smaller than me, so I know the effects for her were multiplied by a lot. I remember the whole evening, and she only remembers snippets after a certain point.

While we were standing in the kitchen, she ended up chatting with some strange guy. I didn't pay them much attention until all of a sudden I see her lean in and start kissing him. Not really full on making out, to give an idea, but like lips locked and not really moving. I reach over and tap her shoulder and she turns to look at me, and I can tell she's just not really there. The dude she's with sneers and asks if I have a problem, and the first thing that came to mind was to point out how drunk she was. She had to lean against the counter to stand. I told him to go home and stop being a fucking creep and pulled her away.

Neither of us really acknowledged it, I knew we were both too drunk to properly address the situation, so the night progressed pretty much normally. Our friends were pissed cause they assumed the dude was taking advantage of her, I was the only one who saw her initiate, but nobody started anything cause in the moment I didn't want any more attention drawn our way. She didn't keep drinking after that, I kept bringing her water, and she puked after we got home.

The next day, I sat her down and we had a tough discussion. Her memory of the night ended after she'd had her last shot, and while she vaguely remembers things like talking to the guy and traveling home, she doesn't remember kissing him or pretty much the rest of the party afterwards. She was deeply embarrassed and remorseful once I told her what I saw, and right away she expected me to want to leave her. She said that this reveals that she's a bad and broken person deep down, because she didn't understand why she did it in the first place. She said she's happy with me and not interested in anyone else. She also said she'd now lost drinking privileges forever regardless of what happens next.

I was kind of taken aback by all of it, honestly, and didn't know what to say. She's very good about owning her shit, so I expected to hear something about how she was actually having doubts about us, or for her to leave the ball in my court. She didn't expect that the relationship would continue, on her part, because I really was hurt and also embarrassed by what she did. The ensuing agreement happened over the course of several hours and a lot of contemplative silence.

I agreed to continue the relationship on a few conditions. Firstly, I felt like her becoming a teetotaler was a little much over a kiss. Like, it's not that it didn't hurt to see, but relatively speaking I know it could've been a lot worse. She's got good control over her alcohol usually and isn't by any stretch an alcoholic, so what we agreed is that she focus on not allowing herself to get drunk again. I want to still be able to enjoy going to breweries or wine tastings with her, but neither of us ever wants her to lose control again. That said, I told her that all of it was on her. If I ever see her consciously aiming to get drunk, that's now a dealbreaker.

Secondly, I asked that she get herself some help. I know she has some unresolved issues from her past that have been cropping up in dreams and such. She's been open about it all along. It's some heavy stuff so I won't get into it, it's her business, but it does partially explain her behavior. Clearly she's not managing things well on her own, so I told her she needed to start actively working on her mental health and start seeing a therapist.

Thirdly, I told her that she's not allowed to talk down to or about herself anymore. I believe, based on context from the previous paragraph, that she's self-sabotaged a lot of important things because she believes she's not worthy. If I can find it in me to forgive her for this, she needs to forgive herself too. After all, I'm the one who was hurt. This is probably the hardest step, and the one she's going to stumble most on. She already has a problem with blaming herself for everything wrong, and I already call it out all the time. Now my foot's down. If she can't be confident in herself and hold herself to a higher standard, the relationship can't continue.

Fourthly, I need complete and total honesty from her. I already had that, so I'm not worried about it. We talked a LOT about her past and her past actions, both during this discussion and over the course of our relationship, and I completely trust that she hasn't hidden anything from me. If I ever find out about a lie or omission, that's officially a dealbreaker.

So far, it's still fresh, but I actually do feel pretty reassured. Call me an idiot, but I think she deserves another chance. Now, my questions to the internet: are these points of agreement reasonable? Will this actually work to help her heal and make us stronger? Am I being naive or missing the real issues here?

TL;DR: GF kissed a stranger at a party while blotto. She's remorseful and has agreed to a plan we came up with to heal & move on. Are the terms of the plan reasonable?

Submitted December 05, 2019 at 07:53AM by tempthrow789 https://ift.tt/38bexkP