I am unsure of how to deal with an uncomfortable situation I find myself in and I would value other people's insight into this.
I (35F) moved to this town about a year ago for my job. I'm extremely introverted and I often find myself drained after a full day of being in the office. I don't get out to socialize much, but now that I'm settled in, I've been making more of an effort to get out to Meetup groups to make friends.
This past summer, I met a friend (35F) that I clicked with. Over the last few months, we've gotten pretty close. She quickly introduced me to her friend group as well, and it's been nice to have a small group of girlfriends as I miss mine back in my old city.
I'm aware that my friend is not financially in the best place. She works in maintenance and she's frequently discussed her financial woes. As her friend, I'm happy to listen to her vent. I think her other friends are aware as well. Although none of us have talked with each other about this, I think there's some kind of an unspoken understanding. For example, when 4 of us go out to eat and share 3 appetizers, we will do separate checks, but someone will typically suggest that Amy, Karen and Sue (random names) can each put an appetizer on their check, so we each pay for our meal + shared appetizer plate, whereas my friend (the broke one) just pays for her meal. Or if someone mentions a restaurant to try, someone else will just mention a more affordable place we can go to that serves a similar kind of food and/or places they've seen coupons/deals for. We've also lately not been doing dinners, but meeting up at cafes, which is more affordable. Big emphasis on affordability and deals.
I am not wealthy, but I am comfortable. I have a decent salary, some retirement, and have plans to buy a house soon (almost at my savings goal for my down payment). I was financially not stable when I was in college, so I understand what it's like to be broke. I actually worked in maintenance to put myself through college, which is how I initially bonded with my friend. I don't come from money and I worked my @$$ off to get to where I am. I had to be really frugal and strict with my budget, and I worked A LOT. During college, my time was evenly split between classes and working 30-40 hours a week, and I often did not get enough sleep much less have time for a social life to be able to make ends meet. Although I am a lot more comfortable than I used to be, I still live pretty frugally. I often wait months, sometimes years, before buying something I want, and my first stop is always Goodwill or Ebay after I first spend a lot of time saving up for something I want.
Here's the dilemma I find myself in. During the last two weeks, I can't help but feel that my friend may have been trying to take advantage of me at times by setting me up to pay for her meals, drinks or tickets. For example, we went out to a bar that was charging a cover because they had live music/stand up comedy that night. Usually the cover is only $10 on live music/comedy nights. I didn't have cash so she said she could pay in cash and I could venmo her. Later on, she requested I pay her $20. I told her I thought it was only $10, but she looked me in the eye and said they were $20 each. I paid her, although later on, it was confirmed that they were only $10. Since $10 is not going to make or break the bank, I let that one pass and decided to give her the benefit of doubt.
We met for brunch last weekend with an extended group of about 20 people. The brunch was hosted by her friend, with whom I am acquainted with but not that close with. Honestly, my wallet was hurting a bit as I had just spent a bunch of money on early Christmas shopping. I also wake up early (even on the weekends) so I ate beforehand and just had a regular coffee & light pastry (total was $4.50). It was a casual cafe & there were several other people that also just had something small, while some people ordered full meals. Prior to ordering, my friend mentioned she had to leave early for a nephew's birthday. When the host mentioned we would be doing one check and we can just pay via venmo, Paypal, etc, my friend suggested that I venmo her $6 (this was after I ordered) and she can just venmo the host for both of us, that way it would be easier for the host to just get one payment instead of two separate payments. She then announced to everyone around us that we were paying together. My friend ordered a full meal + a fancy cappuccino (total was about $16.50), but she left early without paying. When the time to split the bill came around, the host shared her number and I just paid the host since my friend wasn't there to do her suggested plan where I send my friend cash, and she sends the host money for both of us. I sent the host $10 for my "meal." ($4.50 + tax + tip + a few dollars extra. I also noted on the Venmo what items on the receipt were mine) The host asked if I was paying for my friend as well. I was surprised the host asked, and put on the spot like that, I responded, "I don't think so. She said she would venmo you." This is technically true, as my friend originally said that she would venmo the host for BOTH of us. The host looked pissed and didn't say anything else to me. The people next to me also looked uncomfortable. In hindsight, I realized this was because my friend had previously announced that we were paying together. Afterwards, I felt crappy about the entire situation, like I should've offered to pay for my friend or something.
Although I empathize with my friend, I don't feel that I should have to pick up her tab. I'm not her mom, and frankly if I had a kid in their mid-30s in my friend's situation, the most I would do for them is to maybe pay for them to meet with a financial advisor to help keep them on track. Honestly, if my friend were just upfront and said, "Hey, I'm in a rough patch. Can you spot me $10 for the cover?" or "Hey, I'm a little tight on cash because of Christmas shopping. Can you get brunch this time, and I'll get it next time?" I would've been fine. It's just the way she did it felt shady and I feel like she's lost credibility in my eyes, although I can't tell if I'm just being too harsh.
I also can't tell if I'm projecting. When I was younger, I had been taken advantage of by a friend. For example, when I turned 21, I didn't handle my liquor as well as I do now and I got wasted when I went out with my friends, one of which was my roommate. My roommate went through my wallet when she thought I was passed out. I was legit drunk, but I was still awake and saw what she was doing. This friend reminds me of that situation so I don't know if I'm projecting. It just stirs up a lot of anger inside of me.
Also, if she's that broke, why did she eat such an expensive meal? Why didn't she just get a coffee and a bagel or something? Also, a lot of people have second jobs. I also have a side job (I do private tutoring a few hours a week) to supplement my income. I don't need to. But it's easy and I use the tutoring income as extra "fun" money. So why doesn't she just get a second job? She has the time. She goes about 5 evenings a week to the gym because her goal is to "get hot." If her financial situation is that dire, wouldnt it make more sense to use that time to work a second job? There's a lot of seasonal jobs right now. (Now I feel like I'm just being judgy).
At this point, I've kinda cooled off on the friendship. I honestly thought we would become really good friends, but I'm having some doubts now. I like the friends she's introduced me to, but I'm not that desperate for friendship that I would have to pay for a friends tab to hang out with her. Id rather be alone than have a friend that expects me to pay for her.
TLDR; My friend is broke. I'm not wealthy but I'm comfortable. I'm aware of my friend's ongoing financial situation, but I don't feel that I should have to pay her tab. Am I a scrooge or is this person trying to take advantage of me?
Submitted December 07, 2019 at 12:13AM by PKIR683 https://ift.tt/2OYW5V2
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