Throwaway account for obvious reasons. First ever reddit post.
My SO (28M) and I (27F) have been together for 7+ years. We have lived together for most of that and have made multiple moves together. Until recently, marriage was not a priority. Over the years, and as expected, we've both made mistakes. We've grown as individuals and as a couple. However, one recurrent issue is my SO's need to tell white lies. He does this time and time again to avoid arguments or to avoid hurting my feelings. I would rather know the truth and be allowed the time to be upset than be lied to. I can get over insecurities but I'm finding myself less willing to forgive lies.
Yesterday, I was interested in looking at a childhood friend's Instagram - this friend quit working full time to open a food truck and my curiosity got the best of me. I don't actually have an Instagram nor a desire to have one. I asked him to let me look at it through his account which he then pulled out his phone to type it in. I wanted to scroll through it myself but he refused to let me even type it in the search bar insisting I tell him exactly how to spell it so he could type it in. At this point, I thought it was odd and questioned why he was being shady and wouldn't let me type it. It was an obvious red flag. He has a history of using dating apps like Tinder and POF and also using fake Instagram accounts to give into the social media fantasy by following models - clearly both hurtful and inappropriate things. To be fair, two years ago I lied and cheated on him emotionally while going through increased work stress. The dating apps was about a year and a half after that. Like I said, we've both made mistakes.
Turns out, he knew I wouldn't like the suggested search results that came up below the search bar and that is why he wouldn't let me type into his search bar. As expected, most of the pages were geared around fit women with some having the typical photoshop type altered/unrealistic images. He claims Instagram does that on it's own and suggests popular content. I do think there is truth in that but I think the search bar on Instagram also complies a list of suggestions based off his previously viewed pages but I'm not completely sure because I don't have one. I don't blame him for clicking on images like that - hell I also appreciate fit and athletic women and weightlift myself. But rather than admit to it, he hides his phone from me. Since last night, he apologized for attempting to hide his phone but did not apologize for lying about how Instagram produces search results. Being truthful, I can't forgive him. I can't forgive him hiding his phone and constantly lying to spare my feelings. We both admit it's such a stupid thing to fight over. I'm only mildly hurt he's looking at women like that (I do have my moments of insecurity, too) but I'm more angry he lies and hides things. When I found his POF account by accident, he lied about it to me as I'm literally looking at his account. He's lied about porn in the past as I'm looking at the videos (this was an insecurity of mine when I was immature and jealous). If he would be honest, even over the things he knows would upset me, I would move on a lot more quickly. If he lies about such little things, what's to stop him from lying about bigger issues?
I can't marry someone who lies over such stupid shit and marriage is something we've both been striving for. I forgot to add that I just made a huge decision for his benefit and have chosen to relocate to his hometown. I literally am sacrificing my career and by extension possibly my own sanity from the added work stress for his benefit. Today, I felt like looking for housing for myself only but I'm trying to not be irrational. Do I need to let this one go? Or can I make him realize lying to spare my feelings temporarily only hurts us more in the long term? I am aware of insecurity on my part, feeling unwanted (not unloved) has been an issue of mine I've been working on for a while now.
Last night ended with him telling me that he's not sure why I'm so upset and my inability to get over this only makes him question me and the lies that I'm apparently still hiding (I'm not - he knows everything, as painfully hard as the cheating was to tell). He turns most things around like this.. it drives me nuts (i.e he gets caught in a lie, and now I'm the one lying?) There was no resolution today due to work schedules but I'll see him tonight and I'm not willing to just drop the subject and pretend it never happened as per his normal preference.
TL;DR - Boyfriend hid his phone and wouldn't let me type a silly search into his Instagram over his fear I would overreact to content displayed below the search bar and claims he did it to attempt to avoid a fight. Instead, it's turned into a fight.
Submitted November 15, 2019 at 12:16PM by Throwaway-592 https://ift.tt/2Qnn7qc
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