My bf said our sex issues were because I'd put on weight, then later told me it was actually something else [F27, M26]

I think this is more of a personal issue now than a relationship issue, and warning, it may be more of a validation post. Anyway, the long and short of it is that I've never had any body issues, whatsoever. I'm 5'7", so on the taller side, and at my heaviest a few years ago I was about 155 lbs. Lots of fluff, but I hold most of that weight in my thighs and butt and thought I've always held it well (I have a big booty that a lot of my girlfriends envy). The many partners I've had have never had an issue, even at my heaviest.

I met my boyfriend almost 3 years ago and at that point I was in the middle of an intense cut - I dropped from 155 to about 140 lbs. I was very skinny but it was a huge turning point in my life because although I'd been working out for a while, any muscle I had was covered in a layer of fluff and losing that weight I suddenly had muscle! Physically seeing the hard work I had been putting in made me SUPER motivated to work harder and get stronger. I got really serious into training and also started to pay a lot of attention to nutrition and recovery.

Cut to today - I've since switched sports to Olympic weightlifting, put on more weight to allow for easier muscle building and to be in a weight class that suits my taller frame, and am sitting at 154 lbs. I have gotten a LOT stronger in 3 years, and have put on a lot of muscle in that time frame (a DEXA scan in my first year showed I'd gained 6lbs of lean mass). I'm fluffier as I'm also on a high-carb diet, but you can still see my abs and I have very defined muscles. I don't have love handles or rolls (except when I'm sitting down obv). I'm in the 71kg class for weightlifting and am very competitive, very close to hitting Nationals (next years goal).

Side note: in the last year my boyfriend (who was also super into working out) has been more focused on his job so has dropped the exercise a bit and has also put on some weight. Nothing that I'm concerned about, but it is noticeable. I should also note that he was a fat kid, so he has a lot of loose skin and stretch marks over his body. This has never bothered me and although it's not conventionally attractive, it is something I would never bring up to him as an issue.

My bf and I have been having some challenges with sex. It felt like for the last bit he hasn't really been trying. Now he's very vanilla and I'm much more open and adventurous, but I still love vanilla sex. I felt like I'd been doing most of the initiating recently. During sex there would be no foreplay, just instantly PIV and an orgasm from him in a few minutes (which I don't mind, I love quick sex, but I was never ready, we'd always have to use lube and no matter how often I asked him to take things slow he'd just want to go hard and fast). I'm very sexually open and have talked about my wants and kinks many many times. I've asked him that I like it slow, I like being teased, that I'm usually never ready at the drop of a hat and that's why it would often hurt.

Last week after a session which left me feeling unsatisfied again, I asked him what was up and if there was anything wrong. He took a few minutes (actually a few minutes, I told him to take his time) to think it over then said "Well this is probably not going to go over well but for the sake of us being transparent and telling each other how we feel, how serious are you about weightlifting? Because you've put on some weight and I think it's turning me off from sex."

It was absolutely the last thing I expected to hear and I'm ashamed to say it kicked me in the gut. I attempted to just "let it slide" and be mature but big strong me completely shut down and went outside to cry.

We finally ended up talking about it. He apologized, said he felt awful and told me that actually, he didn't think it was because of my weight; he had always told me how attractive and hot I was and he reiterated that that was true. He thought that it was something else, more likely not feeling connected. He said that yes, I had put on weight but it wasn't actually a turn off for him, instead that's what he thought it was at the time because he hadn't had much time to think about the actual reason and it seemed the most logical in his head. We talked at length and he admitted that he just isn't into sex when we're not feeling connected (which makes sense, as we had been arguing more than usual). After 2 days of talking and tears, I forgave him and told him everything was fine, and that was that.

However, it's not really fine anymore in my head. I can't help but think there was some truth to what he said, even though he insists there isn't. Every time I look in the mirror now I see the weight I never saw before. I video a lot of my lifting so that I can see my technique and now all I notice is the fat I've put on, how tight my pants and shirts are and how much thicker I look. I have never compared myself to other women because I've always been so appreciative of my body and the way I hold weight and now... I envy the skinnier lifters, I'm self-conscious about what other people think of me (especially the people who knew me as skinny-me) and now I'm worried that I've actually let myself go and how disillusioned I've been this whole time. Was I wrong to have loved my body and been okay with putting on this weight for the sake of getting stronger?

And obviously in a weird twisted way this has made ME the one who doesn't want to have sex because now I'm worried that all he's noticing is my fat. I used to be so unaware and would prance around the house with all my shit flapping about because I thought he really loved me the way I looked. I'm not going to lie, I'm still a little angry that he crumbled these glass walls I'd built around myself so easy. That I'd looked heavier in previous relationships but had never been told I was too heavy. And especially that, even though I gave him time to think about it, he still went ahead and told me, even knowing it would hurt my feelings.

Short of just rehashing this with him and making him feel bad all over again... how tf do I get over this?

tl;dr: boyfriend commented on my weight being an issue during sex, then retracted that statement saying it was actually something else. I've always loved my body but now my self-esteem took a nose dive into the dirt.

Submitted November 21, 2019 at 03:11PM by chinnyshins https://ift.tt/33c9axY