I am childfree. Always have been since I could understand the concept of having children, and I always will be. When I met my husband he was on the fence. I made my stance exquisitely clear. Told him within a few weeks of dating that no children would ever be springing from my womb and if that was a problem then we could never be serious. He put a lot of thought into it, and after we had been dating several months told me that he would absolutely rather have me than any possible offspring. I was sure to check in with him regularly to make sure he was still ok with this. I understand people change their minds and I wouldn’t have held it against him. We would simply have broken up. He reassured me at every turn that he was fine not having children and I was his world. The last time we had that conversation was after we got engaged and I haven’t asked since.
When we were early in dating, we had issues with intimacy. He could not keep an erection and it was pretty obvious that the condoms we were using were the reason. We’d get hot and heavy with no problems but as soon as the rubber went on he’d get soft. I offered to get on birth control so we could ditch the condoms. I got a Nexplanon implant and that was that. My periods were horrible but I thought that was about it. I kept the implant for a full 3 years and had it removed last year. I cannot describe how much better I feel. I’m happier, my periods are better, I lost weight that I hadn’t realized I gained because of the implant, I’m more attracted to my husband and initiate sex far more often. I didn’t realize I hated that damn implant until I got it removed.
My parent’s insurance dropped me for reasons I won’t get into. I intended to get a Mirena IUD after having my implant removed, but without insurance I just can’t swing it. We’ve been using condoms (appropriately sized this time, no issues with erections) since. Husband had been reminding me regularly to get on a student health insurance plan offered by my university so I can get birth control worked out, but I’ve been hesitating because it’s so expensive. I’m also hesitating because I really don’t want to go through all that again. I can’t believe how miserable I let that implant make me and I’m afraid of doing it again. Husband has actually commented that he is so happy now that I’m happy again. He has outright stated that he loves that I initiate sex more often and seem more attracted to him. I have told him I think the implant was the reason, but he is convinced that it’s because my school program is less intense this year and I’m less stressed.
Well here comes the fight. He reminded me once again that I need health insurance and should look at getting the school plan. I expressed my concern at the expense but he countered that he is willing to pay for it and I shouldn’t worry, he then asked me what I had decided on birth control. I expressed my reluctance to do anything hormonal again (and I don’t want paraguard/copper, I’m not signing up for worse periods and cramps). I told him I really wished I could just find a doctor who would sterilize me, I’m only 25 so it’s not likely, but if that could happen it would take care of everything. No condoms and no babies. He absolutely blew up.
He went on about how I couldn’t do that and that I was taking a decision away from him. I was floored because he made that decision when he married me, I wasn’t taking anything from him. I told him I don’t want children and he knew that before we were married; asked him why this upset him so much. He said I was taking away his coping mechanism. I told him if he wants children he needs to find a different woman and he took that as me threatening divorce…
This says to me that really deep down he wants kids and hopes that I will change my mind or that we’ll have an accidental pregnancy. This is crazy to me because we had a drunken mistake very early in our relationship that resulted in the “what would we do if we got pregnant” conversation. I told him I would want an abortion and asked if he would support me in that. He said he would absolutely support me as long as he was allowed to be a little sad. Of course I agreed, he’s always allowed to be sad about things as long as he doesn’t take it out on me.
I’m kind of lost here. We ended the talk with some terse “I love yous” and haven’t spoken about it since. Everything since then has been normal. I guess as long as I’m not taking action on my sterilization plan he is ok pretending the conversation didn’t happen. I’m pretty upset. I want to be sterilized and have consequence free sex with the man I love. I’m not willing to put my body through hormonal hell again just so he can pretend we might one day have children. And I’m also not willing to suffer knowing my husband secretly might want kids but won’t tell me.
How do I bring this up again? What should I say to him? It’s been so long since our talk that I’m kind of afraid to open the can of worms again, but I feel like I can’t continue in this marriage if we aren’t on the same page regarding children.
TL:DR, Husband may want kids, I'm childfree and we're arguing over sterilization.
Submitted November 13, 2019 at 10:45PM by whyismarriagehard https://ift.tt/2OaCWOe
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