My (24F) partner (26M) have been in a relationship for 5+ years. We have lived together off-and-on for 3+ years due to various relocations. We have been living together at our current place with a roommate for 6 months. I have independently maintained a weekly cleaning schedule of the apartment since we moved in that includes doing our laundry, vacuuming and washing the floors, disinfecting the kitchen and bathrooms, and whatever else needs to be done. This isn’t something anyone asked me to do. I do it because it needs to be done.
I also regularly cook for us which can take about 45-minutes to an hour per night. My partner has taken to cleaning the dishes after I cook but only those that can go straight into the dishwasher and leaves all the hand-washing things for me. Nightly, that looks like about an hour to an hour and a half of cooking and cleaning for me, and 5-10 minutes of cleaning for him. I used to see cooking as my love-language and hobby of mine but now it exhausts me. We’ve tried talking about this labor inequality before but it didn’t take.
My partner will clean or organize here-and-there. I do not ask him to do chores because he is an adult and is capable of recognizing the things that need to be done around the house. However, whenever he does organize or clean, he typically makes a big show or effort to tell me all of the things that he has done. For example, we recently had friends visiting from out of town. Before everyone arrived on Thursday, I did my usual weekly apartment clean and organization. Despite being home, my partner did not help. After everyone left a few days later on Sunday, I cleaned up all the mess from the weekend without help again. When I came home from work yesterday, my partner made sure I knew that he cleaned that day and said, “I cleaned for 3-hours!” and proceeded to tell me all that he had done. I had no idea what he was talking about as I had just cleaned and organized everything he had told me he had done a few days prior. I recognize that he’d put some clean dishes on the drying rack away, washed the towels, and made the bed. That’s about it though. I thanked him and didn’t really acknowledge it further. I could tell he was upset this morning and he asked me to organize some of my things. I have a hunch that he is upset about the lack of overt praise of his efforts.
Cleaning and organizing has been an ongoing issue for us for about a year. About a year ago, he had to take on a bigger role in maintaining the apartment as my schedule was too overloaded with being a full-time student and working. The increased burden on him to maintain the place constantly frustrated him and led to frequent disagreements about organizing/cleaning standards. This stopped as soon as I had more time to dedicate to housework. I don’t see this as a good thing and recognize that it needs to be addressed.
We have great communication but this is a sore spot for us. I understand everyone’s cleaning and organizational preferences vary. I know there are things that I do that bother him too. I don’t want to go tit-for-tat with him about who did what in regards to cleaning the house. However, there is inequality in the amount of time we spend on chores. I want to talk to him in a non confrontational/non accusatory way about addressing chores. I see us both as being fully capable adults who are able to recognize what needs to be done in order to maintain our apartment. Furthermore, I don’t want to be put into the position of being his “mom”/manager and telling/reminding him what chores he needs to do.
How should I address household chore inequality with my partner? What has worked for you and your SO? How can I improve/change to address this issue?
TL;DR: Household chores and maintenance has been an ongoing issue for me (24F) and my partner (26M). I do weekly cleaning and organizing and my partner will clean here-and-there. The time we dedicate varies significantly and puts a burden on me. I’m finding myself frustrated with our current division of labor and my partner’s need for praise regarding chores. How should I address household chore inequality with him?
Submitted November 07, 2019 at 11:22AM by watermelloncake https://ift.tt/2NsPiC7
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