I wrote this on AITA but it was more, would I suck if I did this and I think I'm now more sure that I'm going to do it. So the context is, my birthmom is NOT a bad person. She was a teenage mother and her boyfriend at the time sucked. When my parents adopted me, they encouraged her to keep in touch and stay in my life because they thought it would be better for me, and growing it, it totally was. I never felt abandoned, I never had to questions where I came from which I know a lot of other kids go through, and plus who doesn't like bonus presents. She never had more kids, and my parents never did either, so I never felt undervalued or underloved. I've even met and hung out with my biodad, and he's also a cool guy now that he's not an annoying teen lol.
The problem is, now that I'm a little older I don't really feel like I need her in my life as much as I did when I was a kid. She comes over for my birthday always, major holidays, I've been on vacation with her, and it's been great but I just don't want it anymore. I want a normal family.
My graduation is coming up soon, and though I would prefer she didn't come to the ceremony either, I definitely don't want to do my dinner celebration with her as well, I want it to be just my parents. I want that to be the norm as well, not something I need to ask for.
If I thought I could ask her to scale it back without hurting her, I would, but I don't want "less" I want WAY less and I guess what I probably really wanted was a say in it as I was growing up at or before they reintroduced her into my life, if that makes sense. I'd also feel better if she had her own family, her own things going on and we kind of touch base, but as far as I can tell I am a huge part of her world, and it feels awkward and makes our relationship awkward to me because I don't feel like I am her kid in the way she wants.
I know it's not fair but I also just can't get over the feeling that she's keeping me from my real family experience. I cringe when I imagine bringing home someone for the holidays and have to explain everything, and even though I get along with her and I like her, I don't love her like my mom. I don't know what her place is in my extended family. Of course I will talk to her about it and not just ghost her, but I don't know how to say it, what to say. How do I react if she doesn't take it well? What even is taking it well. Yeah.
TLDR: Biomom has been a pretty big part of my life since I was a toddler, but I'd prefer to have just my parents and scale back on our relationship by a lot.
Edit: Just to be clear, I don't mean I want to cut her out of my life entirely, it's more that I understand it's a possibility, and I can understand and accept that as a consequence of asking. Ideally, I'd like to keep in touch over the phone and FB and maybe see each other for lunch or smaller periods throughout the year. I'd like the expectation be that she's offered an invite and then comes to an event, instead of the default that she will come. I don't want there to be an expectation of being at any particular event either.
Submitted August 27, 2019 at 05:43PM by whatbutraingoesaway https://ift.tt/2Lh0ZcD
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