How can I (36f) balance my need for security with his (40m) naturally outgoing personality after infidelity?

My husband is a naturally very friendly and outgoing person. He loves to be the centre of attention. Adores attention in fact. I am the very opposite, as a shy, quiet introvert.

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In the past, his personality and desire for all the attention has caused a lot of issues between us. He is a very empathetic person (he has a few friends who call him "reverend" as a joke). He's good looking and funny and women definitely are drawn to him. He's also quite smart and an expert in his field, so a lot of times these women will come to him (online....often through facebook or twitter or some friend of a friend) to ask his advice.

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There have been many times in the past when this has spiked my insecurity. I don't particularly want women seeking out my husband for advice. There have been times when (as far as I'm concerned) he's been too flirty. He's been too receptive to flirty women. He has weak boundaries and hasn't shut things down firmly enough. Once, early on, I caught some woman sending him nudes. He told me he was so sorry....she had been doing it for a while (before we were even together) and he just hadn't told her to stop. Stuff like that. He doesn't shut things down as firmly or quickly as I would like because I know he likes the attention. This is disrespectful to our relationship.

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He ended up having an emotional affair with one woman from work last year. That one was very hard for me to get over and I nearly left. The issue now is that I am on HYPER ALERT. I have zero patience left for him texting women. If someone reaches out to him, if it goes beyond a quick answer I am very annoyed. He feels as long as he doesn't cross any boundaries and mentions it to me, it shouldn't be a problem.

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Our latest issue is a woman that neither of us really know (she is from our hometown) messaged him with a genuine question. He answered. She commented about something he had posted. They discussed. She shared that she is having a hard time right now because her mom is sick. <-- it goes from there. Nothing inappropriate, but he's listening to her, expressing sympathy, checking to see how her mom is. And she obviously starts to feel comfortable with him. This is what bugs me. He tells me he'll never do anything inappropriate again and I need to learn to trust him.

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I say he lost the right to text other women when he cheated on me. I've told him to lay off taking to other women for now. He says it's a fundamental part of his personality-----not only with women, but with men as well. I say he needs to curb it or I'm leaving. He says this is unhealthy. Who is right?

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tldr: husband had an emotional affair now I feel very insecure and annoyed when any other women text him or reach out to him. He says I'm being illogical and controlling.

Submitted August 29, 2019 at 04:15PM by NoComfortable5 https://ift.tt/2zuWea3