We've been dating for about six months at this point, and our relationship has been solid for the most part. We've talked about moving in together, meeting each other's family, etc. and he's been excited about it. I know he's serious about this relationship; I don't doubt his commitment in any other way. The man washes my dishes, cooks for me when I'm sick, expresses his love in many ways. He deals with spells of intense depression (will ghost and be unable to do anything all day), and I deal with intense anxiety (panic attacks, adrenaline rush, etc.) which puts a huge strain on our relationship. He drinks a fair amount, more than I like, but he keeps himself under control for the most part. He also smokes weed everyday in varying amounts. I'm really sensitive to substances, so I don't drink or smoke except with him on occasion.
When he's good, he's a great communicator. Texts back, makes plans, asks me how I'm doing. But one major sticking point that's come up again and again is his inability to be vaguely on time when he says he's going to show up. By nature, he doesn't text often, so I don't need much other than a "yes we'll meet at ___ time".
We live about an hour away from each other by public transportation. More often than not, he's around an hour late to two hours late, with no update about why or when. Once when I was supposed to meet him at his place, he was asleep from getting too high, and I had to wait half an hour in his shady neighborhood before someone let me in the building. Recently, he's been late because he's fallen asleep from getting high, which also means that he doesn't respond to my texts or calls, leaving me to my own anxiety spiral.
I've confronted him about this several times, saying how it feels disrespectful to my time, how I worry about him and can't tell if he's in a depression spiral or what when he doesn't respond to my texts or calls around the time we're supposed to see each other. I've pointed out how it feels like a lack of commitment, and how it's really hurtful to never know if he's going to late, if he's even going to show up, or if I need to go over and check that he's doing okay. He says it's not a big deal, and that I'm overreacting.
I'll be the first to admit that I don't handle my anxiety well in these situations. I get loud and yell, but I settle down and apologize afterwards. But I don't think I am wrong to ask for someone to just…show up when they say they will and communicate that they will be late. In response, he said from now on he'll just say maybe to everything and won't give a time.
This feels shitty to me. It's also baffling. When I've talked to him about concerns on a similar level, he's been responsive and worked out solutions with me. This is really hard for me to overlook as a sign of something more serious. It feels like he's asking for a free pass to just bail on me when he feels like it, and I feel like we've exhausted this conversation.
Is this just a difference in communication expectations? Or some other indication of lack of reliability?
tl;dr My partner won't commit to being on time, when confronted, said he'll now say "maybe" to showing up and never give a time.
Submitted August 30, 2019 at 12:49PM by normally__ish https://ift.tt/2Lce48n
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