My wife (40,F) and I (38,M) had a baby a year ago. We've been together for 8 years, married for 4.
The baby is our first. We had a pregnancy lost before, which affected as deeply. Due to our loss, we got really closer. But it was a bit out of a necessity because we don't have immediate family around. Most people do not recognise pregnancy loss as a real loss so it is even difficult to find people to talk to. While we focused on recovering from such a tragedy, we neglected our marriage -- at least it is what it seems.
We live in Europe due to my job that ended just before the baby was born. Wife is Canadian. I am from Middle East, yet spent almost all my adult life either in N. America or Europe.
In the last 6-7 months, we have been having marital problems: we have not been nice to each other, we grew apart, baby stress, my unemployment etc.
Just before the baby was born, my contract at work ended. We knew it was coming to an end, but up to now, I always managed to find some other job. But this time, I couldn't. It's been a year with a new born baby, and I was unemployed the whole time. Wife is a freelancer, so she didn't get any paid leave. She is a musician, whose work is often stolen digitally. While unemployed I found a way to get her paid for her stolen work. It brought us some decent money.
We have been spending our savings and the wife did some little work to bring money. I helped her a lot. Eventually, even if we were spending our savings, some money was coming in and we are totally even compared 13 months ago. I have been keeping records of our finances. So, we are not in a loss, neither in a gain though.
I am trying really hard to get a job but my field is a niche one, finding a job is proven to be difficult, I had 4-5 interviews. IF/When I get a job, the pay will be decent. I am very hopeful and doing my best to get a job. I am pretty qualified, hold a PhD.
This situation has been stressing my wife. She has been wanting us to go back to Canada. But I don't want to. I feel like I am really close to get a job. I don't have a work permit for Canada. Getting it via marriage is a horribly annoying, expensive process etc. Plus, I've been applying for Canada anyways, but I didn't even get an interview. In Europe, I have.
So, in the past year, we spent 4 months in Canada so that she can spend time with her toxic family. It's been even more stressful and annoying living there. It's more expensive. My toxic in-laws are there and we don't do much there. Just sit home, take the baby out etc. Plus we are visiting and I am not comfortable, baby is not either. Plus, I still couldn't manage to take the baby home. My in-laws spent 4 mo with the baby, my parents spend 3-4 hours. [they cannot travel here due to serious health problems.]
We went there again in June. We have been fighting a lot. I am simply sick of being "guests" there for long time. After the last fight and serious talk, she kicked me out. I didn't have anyplace to stay there, so I flew back to Europe the next day. It happened last week. Wife says that she is not coming back. because she has no reason to. she thinks, I have no job there anyway, why would I stay in Europe, she thinks. As I said, compared to Canada, I can get a job here, life quality is good, nursery etc are much more affordable, we have no language problem etc.
Plus, These long visits are not in the best interest of the baby. We missed some vaccinations, 12month check up etc. We failed to establish a sleep routine and meal schedule etc. Because it's not our home, it's difficult to spend 5-6 weeks as guests with a baby.
I am on a work visa here. Taking time and spending in Canada works against me as I am not allowed to spend more than 6mo abroad. If I do, I may not be able to renew it.
Last but not least, I miss my baby terribly. It's killing me every day. So far she let me see the baby via FaceTime for a total of 15min. It makes me cry for hours everyday.
Since the relationship is not doing well, I cannot convince her to come back based on "love". But I cannot stay there with my in-laws [who are toxic and narcissistic], I already spent 3-4 months in the past year there and it was torture. t-o-r-t-u-r-e. I did it for her, I did it to help with the baby because the alternative was even worse [to stay in Europe]. But now I am separated from my baby. I am angry, sad, furious. I don't think she'll be back. She has no reason to. I am so scared to file for divorce, because I fear this will burn the bridges. But otherwise, maybe she will never come back. I have no move to make. I don't have a job [yet]. I am not sure she loves me that much. All I feel is she has some love for me only due to the fact that we've been together for so long. Old times' sake.
How can I convince her to come back? How can I convince her it is good for the baby to have the daddy around? [I help a lot with the baby and everything]
Please help me, I really need some help.
tl;dr: wife doesn't come back home from overseas with the baby mostly due to my unemployment. I don't want divorce, but I don't know how to convince her.
(burner account obviously)
EDIT: I guess I need to clarify some details regarding my job hunt efforts. I've been applying to US, Canada just because my wife wanted me to do so. But I also applied to Europe. I happened to get interviews and interest *only* from Europe. If I had few interviews from Canada, I'd move tomorrow. Considering the higher life quality here [take my word for it please] and the much higher potential of getting a job [believe me I was really close], I insisted in staying here. She wanted to travel to Canada for extended periods, I said fine and we went. I am not staying in Europe for my pride, it's simply more openings and opportunities here.
Submitted July 14, 2019 at 09:26AM by bristolianclifton https://ift.tt/30ypZSK
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