My (28M) ex-girlfriend (29F) just contacted me to say she is the in AA program and wants to make amends. I had no idea she was an alcoholic despite being in a relationship for 2+ years

Edit: I just want to thank everyone for commenting below. Your perspectives were really helpful at a time when I felt really lost. Thank you also for helping me to understand what making amends really means.

I decided to meet Jessica. We met in a park and walked along the river. We ended up talking for two and a half hours. She explained the lies, the lengths she went to keep her drinking from me, which was by her account, completely out of control. She apologised for using me as a crutch but also thanked me for getting her into therapy which led to her getting into AA.

We parted as friends. It was a lot to take in but I am so glad she has the help she needs and I feel I understand what happened in our relationship so much more now and had a chance to own up to the things I regret.

My own drinking is under control at the moment, but listening to her and reading the comments below has made me reevaluate my own drinking and I am going to consider joining AA.

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Jessica and I broke up more than a year ago. We'd been together two years but in that time I had grown more and more worried about her not looking after herself properly (eating, having a clean place to stay, looking after her mental health). She was also leaning on me heavily. Basically talking about issues which upset her all the time and sometimes shouting at me about how she was feeling.

I tried to be supportive, but all her stress felt like it was coming on to me and I started getting really down. I said I would continue to support her but also encouraged her to get counselling as I felt it would be beneficial for her to talk to someone independent.

In the past, I had many of the same issues and was also getting help.

Things did get better, but I was still really worried about her. She was eating pretty badly, not getting enough sleep and generally not looking after herself. It always felt like there was some crisis which could be avoidable if things were dealt with earlier and eventually she would have a breakdown.

Things came to a head and I felt really unhappy. I tried to raise my concerns with her and I didn't do it in the best way. I had let things build up so long I was very blunt and really hurt her feelings. She broke up with me and we went no contact.

Looking back on it I was partly putting my own issues on her which wasn't fair.

I took a long look at myself and decided to change. I lost three stone, cut down on the booze and took up running. I met a girl who I've been dating for five months.

Fast forward to last night, when I had a WhatsApp from her asking to meet up as she is in AA and wants to make amends.

I felt like my heart was ripped from my chest. I loved this girl and it took a long time just not think about her every moment and my part in the breakup. I started running to punish myself. I’d run until I’d throw up or I cried. Eventually I learned to work through my feelings and it became something more positive.

Hearing from her again brought it all back.

But what has been driving me insane is I had no idea she was an alcoholic, despite spending two years of my life with her.

We didn't live together but she was over all the time. We drank together. I had always been a moderate to heavy drinker and when we were together I was depressed and took up day drinking, but it never completely took over my life. When we were together I always drank more than her.

How could I have not have noticed her alcoholism? Not even a little. Did I cause it? I've been up all night wondering if I am responsible and my bad habits encouraged her? If that's true I don't know how I can live with myself.

How do I approach her about this, what do I say?

TL;DR

My ex texted me after more than a year of silence to say she is in a recovery program for alcoholism. Somehow I had no idea it was a problem during our relationship and I feel I may be responsible for her condition. I'm due to meet her this afternoon and don't know how to approach her about this.

Submitted July 16, 2019 at 05:22AM by OutrageousMammoth https://ift.tt/2Y0YDHu