I'm lonely, but I say no to social opportunities. I hate this about myself.

Every once in awhile, I (24F) will receive an invitation to hang out with someone. At this point in my life, I'll usually decline. For instance, my roommate (25F) invited me to hang out with a few people at our house tonight. I declined, lying about being at a friend's house when in actuality I went to a bar to drink and read when I first heard they were coming over. They're fine people, if intimidatingly cool. I could've managed, though. I just couldn't process the idea of spending time with other people.

I did everything I thought I was supposed to do as a young professional. I joined a community group at my church. I started volunteering. But I still come home from work and sit in my room. Alone. Looking at my phone and seeing people from work, community group, and volunteering being more socially successful than me, hanging out with each other while I go uninvited. If I was invited, I'd likely decline.

Sometimes I've driven to community group, arrived in the parking lot, and then turned around and gone to a movie alone instead. That's happened consistently the last few weeks.

I can't put my finger on how I became this person. I know I struggle with vulnerability; I'm rarely the person who asks others to hang out. I'm terrified I'll be deemed "boring" or something. But when I see a happy couple, or someone I follow online hanging out with their friends at a bar, or whatever, I get struck with pain. It makes me shut down.

I've considered starting over. I know I'm an interesting person; I make others feel heard because I'm a great listener. Maybe moving somewhere else, or trying out for a play at a local community theater would make me better. Meet new people. Be someone new. Someone who shows that they need people. Someone hospitable.

I would love to hear from others who have struggled with this. How do I break out of it? What are some practical brain steps I can take to be more vulnerable?

tl;dr: I want to hang out with people, but can't seem to get past mental blocks that make me refuse. What can I do to be more vulnerable about my need for other people?

Submitted July 13, 2019 at 05:40PM by justcheckingin5 https://ift.tt/2jRlp2r