I (23f) used to self-harm. My mom (50sf) has seen scars twice but never connected the dots, but I know she will be furious if she finds out. I'm tired of always covering it up and keeping the secret. Should I tell her?

Hi everyone. This was a previous throwaway account that I ended up keeping for posts like this.

So basically, I used to cut and burn myself on my legs and stomach from I believe the age of 12 or 13 and I quit when I was 18. Since then, I've had 2 slip ups but have been pretty good. I still struggle with intense emotions and want to self harm at those times but for the most part I'm okay. I started out cutting lightly on my arms. I was in a lot of sports at the time too. When my mom saw my arm she started yelling at me to show her and yelling for my dad to come look and completely freaking out. At the time I completely did not want to be in therapy or anything like that and I knew she would force me to see a therapist if she knew the truth. Also, I was just embarrassed. So I came up with a pretty convincing story as to how I got the "scratches" on my arm from one of my sports and that was that.

I moved on to cutting on my thighs and eventually burning as well on my stomach and thighs. It was easier to hide. And that continued for years. I was always terrified of my mom or any family finding out though. My boyfriend, ex boyfriend, and best friends know about it and I feel bad that they know but my mom, who I'm super close to, doesn't. It's like I'm keeping a secret from her that I'm sure she would really want to know.

Anyway, my scars have mostly faded now. From far away, you can't see them. But if you look they're pretty obvious. It's summer right now and so hot out so a few days ago I decided to be brave and I wore a romper with pretty short shorts around my family. My mom and I were roasting marshmallows and when I walked over to her to give her one, she saw my leg and asked "what happened to your leg? Did you scratch it?" I quickly walked away from her and went back towards the fire but she told me to come back and let her see. I made an excuse to run inside and I came back out with jeans and a t-shirt on instead of the romper. She asked why I changed and I said I was cold, but it was really super hot out (around 32 degrees).

I really don't want to have a big conversation about it because I want to forget about that entire part of my life, but it's hard to hide it because I always have to wear pants around them. My family has a huge family vacation/reunion coming up soon in Hawaii and I want to be able to wear bathing suits and crop tops and shorts without worrying about it.

I'm sorry if this doesn't really fit this sub. I'm just unsure if I should tell my mom (and maybe more family?) or just continue hiding it.

Thanks!

tl;dr : I used to self harm and I'm tired of hiding it. Wondering if I should tell my mom or not since I know she will so mad/sad/disappointed.

Submitted July 03, 2019 at 12:01PM by shouldwestayfriends1 https://ift.tt/2Xr4xSE