Huge TIA for those who read through this mess, Im sorry that its so long!
I(26F) started dating my boyfriend(27M) about 2 and a half years ago. We were very close friends and had known each other for about two years at that point. Our friendship created a wonderful base for our relationship, but also caused us to become pretty serious quickly, despite it being the first relationship (and sexual partner) for both of us. An important thing to keep in mind is that my BF has anxiety and depression though he is not medicated.
My boyfriend is a wonderful man; he is kind, sensitive and understanding. I feel that I can go to him with almost anything and that he will support me. We have a strong relationship and are good at talking through problems. Despite all of the wonderful aspects of our relationship, I have some fears that I am ignoring huge red flags and could use some advice/ another perspective. I am not sure if my fears are valid or if I am creating trouble/ self sabotaging which is something I have done in the past.
The first incident occurred when we had been dating for about 9 months. We were not living together yet, though I was spending 1-3 nights a week at his apartment. This was obviously at his request, I lived 30 minutes away so he had plenty of opportunity for alone time during this time. He had gotten in the shower about 15 minutes prior, I thought it would be a nice surprise to get into the shower with him. I knocked on the door, he said 'yes' so I walked in. He was standing over the sink watching porn with headphones on, not even in the shower. I quickly shut the door and let him finish his shower before making an excuse to leave.
I am totally cool with masturbation, even porn. I watch a fair amount myself so I can say genuinely that if he had been doing this when I was not there, I would not have cared. If I had walked into the apartment and caught him, I probably would have tried to... assist. It was just that I was sitting in the living room of his apartment waiting to hangout and he felt the need to sneak off to the bathroom. I was crushed, I even posted on here and got very conflicting answers; he was either a complete porn addict or this is normal guy behavior. I tried to get him to open up about any kinks that he might have, I am open to pretty much anything, though he swore that he only watches "normal stuff". I felt strongly enough that I decided to stay and tried my best to let it go. I think that I might have soured our sex life a little with my reaction. He felt so shamed that he stopped masturbating all together, or so he tells me.
We moved in together a few months later and were happy as clams for about 6 months. Our sex life slowly began to decline until we were having sex about once a month. Instead of using my brain and trying to solve the issues, I bitched at him about us not having sex enough. I created a ton of pressure, I think I sucked all the fun out of sex for him. Week's later there was a third incident. We were discussing plans to go to the gym, something I had been stressing about as we had both gained about 30 pounds during the last 2 years of dating. He made an off hand comment that led to a fight, ending with him inevitably admitting that he isn't attracted to me anymore. I was gutted. I ended things and told him to pack up his things and go stay with his relative that lived down the road. I was torn, I had gained a decent amount of weight and hated how I looked. It just hurt to hear it from him, though I was grateful for the honestly. I decided that it was a shitty thing to hear, but it was fair and important for him to be honest. I forgave him, took him back and lost all the weight. Im down 40lbs!
I ended up confessing that I thought he was bad in bed. This was a terrible thing for me to say and only added to our previous issues. I explained that he was selfish and didn't bother with helping me finish most of the time. I wanted him to learn to care about me, he hadn't gone down on me in over a YEAR at this point while I was giving him multiple bj's a week. He was having some serious issues with premature ejaculation; most sessions would last about 30 seconds. I tried to be understanding but the combination of no foreplay, no oral, having sex once every two weeks and lasting about a minute took a toll on us. I was frustrated and he was stressed. He promised to work on it, but hasn't really.
We have worked through most of our emotional issues, but the physical aspect of the relationship isn't always there. When we do have sex, the chemistry is incredible. Sometimes he cant get it up and he definitely has a much lower libido than I do, though he swears he is attracted to me. I know relationships take work, but is this an above average amount of work? Am I being an idiot? I sat down recently and told him that he should feel comfortable jerking off while Im there now that we live together. I have tried taking sex off the table, and stopping if he seems stressed.
I am trying so hard to heal the damage that has been done but I have no clue how, what can I do to make him more comfortable? TBH, I just want some good sex, but Im afraid that Ive ruined things forever.Despite everything, I am so in love with this man. I think the world of him, not one part of me wants to leave. We are getting to the point where I believe he will be proposing in the next year or so. This thrills me and I am so excited at the thought of spending my life with him, but there is a tiny nagging feeling in my stomach. This is my first serious relationship, the same for him. Are we ignoring red flags? I have no idea what to do so any advice would be greatly appreciated.
TL;DR: BF tells me that I am the love of his life, not sure his penis agree's with him.
Submitted July 15, 2019 at 11:33AM by rhg10 https://ift.tt/2LSQyy0
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