My husband was hired on at the same time as a female coworker a few years ago. They have become friends at work and they do the same job.
I don't feel threatened by her, and I'm not jealous of her and she will occasionally hang out with us or meet us for brunch. But my husband does text with her constantly when he is home and often doesn't tell me whats going on because he feels it's between him and her. I'm mostly OK with this as I feel it's often none of my business, but it does bother me a little bit because I feel shut out of his life sometimes. I've never made him tell me what he is talking with her about.
Separately from this, I've had a really had time getting my husband to talk to me. We've been married for 2 years and he struggles with opening up to me about things that bother him. We've had several sessions of marriage counseling about it because he will often go for several days to weeks where something is bothering him but he won't say what it is. He isn't good at hiding it, so he'll be grumpy, drinking, depressed, and distracted. Often this will turn into him not wanting to eat or do things with me. I want to comfort him and make him feel better but it's hard for me when I feel like I'm completely shut out. He has promised in therapy to work on this with me and make an effort to tell me whats wrong. He grew up in a family where everyone kept everything inside so he struggles with being open.
Then last week, when I came home from work he was very upset. He said he had a horrible day at work and he doesn't want to talk about it but he promises he will tell me later. I thought this is because he is having a hard time talking to me again so I agree to be patient, thinking that he is working on how to tell me whatever is going on with him. 4 days later I can see he's a little less upset, but I'm pretty annoyed since he was upset/depressed all weekend where he was not really wanting to eat and not really wanting to do anything with me (and denying anything was wrong) so we didn't have a good weekend together. I talked to him last night and I told him that this is unfair to me since he promised he would work on this in therapy and I've tried to be patient but he's still refusing to tell me.
So he tells me. His coworker friend got a new job. My husband has been applying to jobs for close to a year now and he and his coworker were the last 2 left from their team that haven't gotten a new job. So this hurt him a lot since his coworker had only just started applying. Now he'll be the last one left, and he feels like something is wrong with him that he can't get a new job.
He didn't tell me because his coworker asked him not to tell anyone. It wasn't that he was having a hard time talking about it, he was keeping a secret for them. His coworker didn't want it getting back to their boss. He planned on telling me after she told her boss herself.
I'm pretty upset about this. I feel like it's fine if his coworker confides in him, but if it's something that affects him and makes him feel upset and affects our relationship, he needs to tell me since then it becomes my business as I have to deal with it at home. Especially if he's going to be bent out of shape for days, and especially since we JUST talked about him being able to talk to me in therapy. It makes me feel like he is pushing me away in favor of upholding a secret for his coworker. I feel insulted because he implied if he told me it would get back to his boss (who I don't even know) because that's what his coworker was afraid of. When I look at this situation, to me he felt the trust of this coworker was more important that our marriage and his priorities are out of order.
He thinks I'm out of line and he doesn't understand how other people are supposed to trust him if he just blabs to me when they ask him to keep a secret. I've said to him before that I am pretty respectful of his friendship and don't need to know everything that's going on in her life that she tells him, but she does talk to him a lot, and once it's something that genuinely bothers him to the point where he is drinking and it's affecting his home life, his loyalty is to me and not to her.
Am I actually out of line? Am I wrong to expect him to tell me something that's bothering him over keeping someone else's secret? He doesn't understand what was wrong about what he did.
TLDR: husband kept his coworker's secret that deeply bothered him because he valued their friendship, even though we've been in marriage counseling where he has promised to tell me things that bother him.
Submitted June 18, 2019 at 08:37AM by ImaginaryMeet http://bit.ly/2ZAH7GX
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