I [25F] think I have 'platonic abandonment issues' and a deep sense of loneliness from my abusive childhood. Keep clinging on to people and getting devastated when they leave

My mother has a personality disorder and was abusive all my life, mostly emotionally. I never received any sort of emotional support from her, instead she was highly critical and insulting and constantly tore me down. My father was better but he died when I was a teenager. I have no siblings, and was mostly excluded or bullied by other kids, because I was very shy and a bit awkward.

Life began to pick up when I was about 16, especially socially. Finally I was accepted by my peers and didn't have to spend most of my time alone anymore. Things began to improve and I got less and less socially awkward. I am now living a pretty normal adult life with no huge issues.

Except, I feel like I have this deep rooted fear of somehow ending up alone and unaccepted again. Though I have friends, and am generally liked by most people I meet. I cut off contact with my mother a while back because she wouldn't stop ignoring my boundaries and insulting me. On one hand it's easier to live without her constant criticism, but it's disheartening to have to admit that I have no family. I often feel displaced and like I have no real home.

I live alone which I do enjoy, and on a day to day basis I don't usually feel lonely. But whenever I meet some kind of struggle, I often suffer with feeling like I can't tell anybody or that noone would even care. My friendships are meaningful to me, but not the most emotionally close, and though I'm sure they enjoy my company, I find it hard to gauge how much anyone really cares about me. Even with my best friend, I occasionally get a rush of fear that our friendship will fade out or that he doesn't actually care as much as I do.

I especially have problems with bigger changes that mean I have to give up something or someone I'm used to and familiar with. Given how displaced I already tend to feel in the world, I have this tendency to emotionally cling to things or people just because they are there and not being horrible to me. That means even when I leave a situation I don't really like that much, I have a really hard time with it. I tend to stay in situations that aren't really a match for me, just because I'm used to it and know what to expect and I feel like am at least somewhat familliar with the people there. For example a job that I don't enjoy, but I'm terrified of leaving because that would mean 'losing' a bunch of people I usually see every day at once - even if I'm not really close to any of them.

I don't know, I guess I'm rambling. Basically I feel like I am in a way constantly searching for a replacement family, and therefore get too attached easily. Weirdly enough not in a romantic sense, just platonically. When I 'lose' these people or things I got attached to, it can feel like the end of the world. And every time I seem to handle it just a bit worse.

Anyone having familiar issues, or offering some advice? I really feel like this stems from my past and it's not common to get so emotionally attached.

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**tl,dr:** I had a lonely childhood, now I'm an adult who seems to be doing well but I actually have a deep feeling of loneliness and tend to get too attached to people and things. Any advice?

Submitted June 21, 2019 at 02:45PM by triopria http://bit.ly/2IYIYis