Feeling conflicted and dishonest because I feel that I [21 M] would be more attracted to my partner [22 AFAB NB] if they were a woman.

Throwaway for obvious reasons. I have been dating my current partner for about 6 months. We are extremely similar to each other, have tons of chemistry, and overall our relationship feels very comfortable and positively unlike previous relationships. We have hugely overlapping interests, senses of humor, and worldviews. We actually even live together despite not being together for that long. But lately, as the title indicates, I am feeling conflicted about my feelings towards their gender identity.

When we first met, they identified and presented as a woman (though I know now that they were already questioning the accuracy of their assigned gender identity at that time). We started dating a few months after that, at which point they had started changing their appearance and had already implied that they were questioning their gender. A month or two into dating, they told me they had realized they are definitely agender non-binary and wanted me to use they/them pronouns. I was very supportive of this, as I care about them very much and obviously didn’t want them experiencing gender dysphoria etc. I read up about being trans/non-binary on reddit, talked to them about their preferences and experience, and was feeling positive about everything, despite needing some understandable time to process it. I did feel slightly “off” about it, but I figured that they are still the same person, still the same body (as of now they do not have plans for HRT or surgery), and we would still ultimately have our same relationship.

For some time, I have sensed that I feel mild discomfort about this, but I have always attributed it to it being a new experience for me, and assumed that eventually I would stop feeling that way. We both understand that my sexual attraction to them stems from them having a female body, but at that time I assumed I wouldn’t mind if they didn’t internally feel like or externally appear as a woman.

But the other day, in the context of talking about their success at appearing androgynous, they mentioned that they sometimes feel that I would be more attracted and into them if they were feminine, and that it “doesn’t make sense” that I am into them since I am a cishet male and am otherwise exclusively attracted to women. I didn’t know what to say (I am opposed to lying about this kind of thing, but it took me off guard and I wasn’t prepared to talk about it) so I asked them why they felt this way, but they sort of ended/postponed the conversation because we had to get going.

The rest of that day, I felt guilty, uncomfortable, and reflective, and felt like what they had said was probably true. I hadn’t quite realized that I felt that way until they mentioned it. Coincidentally, later that day, we were looking at some older photos of them, from when they were a woman, and I couldn’t help feeling significantly more attracted to the person in those photos than I am to them now. Additionally, realizing this clarified something I had felt confused about: that while I deeply appreciate them and feel very close to them, I have felt a strange lack of passionate/intense feeling about our relationship and a somewhat diminished sexual attraction to them, which I suspect could be because deep down, it does not feel natural, for me personally, to date someone who is not a woman. I don’t like that that is the case, but I think it is. If I could magically switch to being bi or pansexual, I definitely would, but I cannot help the fact that I only feel sexual attraction to women. I disagree with the notion that one can “deprogram” being cishet (an idea I’ve encountered while reading about similar situations on various subreddits), as it seems impossible, equivalent to gay conversation therapy. Obviously being straight is “just a label”, but in this case, it feels like a very accurate one.

It has led so far to feelings that make me feel very guilty and conflicted. I think about how attracted to them I would be if they identified and appeared as a woman. I feel bad about this because I of course would absolutely not want my partner to have equivalent thoughts.

I am extremely conflicted and I don’t know what to do about this. It stresses me out immensely, and ever since I started thinking about it, I’m not able to hide the fact that I’m thinking about something. My partner has asked several times if we are okay, what is on my mind, etc. I’m not sure what to say, as I feel that talking about it wouldn’t automatically resolve it or even necessarily help. This is compounded by the fact that I was the first person they told about being non-binary, and they also have mental health issues that I don’t want to worsen.

At the same time, I feel like it is not something that could just go unmentioned, if we stay together in the long term, and I feel like it would be upsetting for them to hear that after a long period of feeling this way - more so than hearing it relatively immediately. Additionally, it feels like I would be misleading them by continuing along without mentioning it.

In all other aspects of our relationship we are doing extremely well, and if it weren’t for this, I would feel prepared and enthusiastic to spend a very long time with them. This makes my hangup about their gender identity feel stupid/arbitary, but at the same time, I can’t change the fact that sexual attraction is for most people a fundamental condition of a romantic relationship. We could of course be just friends, but that would be extremely painful for both of us, maybe too painful.

My options seem to be either 1. Not mention it, continue to suppress my feelings about it, and hope that it will resolve itself, which would feel dishonest and unstable, 2. Mention it to them, which I feel would achieve nothing either than making them feel bad about their gender identity and giving our relationship an “elephant in the room” that I can’t take back or 3. Politely end our romantic relationship, which, considering how well everything else is going, would feel ridiculous and would be painful.

I feel so anxious, even nauseous thinking about this. They are so caring and patient and have helped me with my own personal things so much, and the absolute last thing I want is to not be able to support them here. At the same time, it would feel like lying to continue dating in the long-term and not mention this. I would normally try to see a therapist about something that stresses me out as much as this does, but I don’t personally know of any who I feel would understand the concept of being non-binary, since, as a widespread phenomenon, it is a relatively recent. Thank you for reading my post if you have made it this far, and I would hugely appreciate any advice.

TL;DR My partner (non binary, assigned female at birth) told me (cisgendered straight male) shortly into starting to date them that they are non-binary/agender. I didn't think I would mind at first, but 6 months in, I am realizing that I would feel much more attracted to them if they still identified and presented as a woman. I don't know what to do about this, since I don't want to hurt them or ruin an otherwise excellent relationship, but it feels difficult/impossible to look past this important aspect of a romantic relationship.

Edit: Just wanted to add a few points since I realize how things might have come across slightly incorrectly. (Commented this below). I'm not trying to be "woke" (I don’t think I’m being anti LGBT or anything) so much as I am trying to not have to abandon what is otherwise such an amazing relationship. I comprehend that there are theoretically other people who would be good for me, but I don't seem to meet those people very often. It has been 3 years since my last relationship which left me with a lot of baggage, and my current partner has helped me immensely with that. I am not someone who enters romantic relationships easily or often, quite the contrary, and I am mostly just horrified at the prospect of not being able to be with someone who is in almost all ways extraordinarily complimentary to me.

Submitted June 17, 2019 at 01:44PM by throwaway9324234 https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/c1suto/feeling_conflicted_and_dishonest_because_i_feel/?utm_source=ifttt