[30/F] I was a hopeless, depressed virgin. Now I'm finally in a stable relationship, but I have no idea what I want for my future.

Two years ago; I was at a very low place in life. I was a very shy 28 year old virgin. I was homeless/crashing on my uncles couch. I was unemployed and had zero social life. Prior to this, I had been in an abusive relationship with a guy who only ever wanted me to perform oral sex on him and his friends, but we never had intercourse because I was scared to let him see my naked body after he made a nasty joke once.

Back then, the idea of marriage, kids, a future etc seemed almost impossible to me, so I never even entertained the thought. When my relationship with him ended, I went through a phase of believing I was gay as I developed an intense crush on a female neighbour. But I was deeply depressed and had no one to talk to and my uncle was homophobic.

So one day I woke up, and something switched in me. It was a "now or never" moment. I started therapy, and began to attend job interviews, look at roommate listings, and finally I got myself a job and a place to live. Then I decided to create a meet up group for 'geeky' locals in my area so I could get a social life. I made lots of friends and they all looked up to me, and I came out to them as a bisexual. I amazed myself at the sudden determination I had, and swore I'd never let someone abuse me again. I'd be my own woman.

Fast forward to a year later; age 29, I was still a virgin but no one would've guessed. Then a close male friend from my group kissed me and confessed he had feelings for me on a drunken night out. I kindly rejected him because I'd never thought of him in that way, but over the next weeks I couldn't stop thinking about the kiss and how it felt to be wanted by someone. He was such a "nice guy" and I dismissed him from the get go because I'd only ever known the bad guys. But then I decided to give him a chance because I didn't want to fall into old patterns. So we went on some dates and my feelings grew stronger.

Two years later: age 30, we're still together. He still doesn't know he took my virginity but I don't need him to know about my past. He's been nothing but kind, supportive and loving. He calls me his 'angel' and makes me feel beautiful and sexy. He's everything I had hoped for and more. He wants a future with me, marriage, kids, the whole set...

But now I'm freaking out! Am I really cut out for that lifestyle? I've never even thought about having kids before. Can I really handle a family? I suddenly feel so trapped and I just want to run away from what seems like a lie I've created. The job, the house, the social group, the boyfriend... I feel like I've just faked it all to make out I'm someone I'm not. No one knows how bad I was two years ago and they just think I'm this really 'together' person, who'd make a good mother and wife etc.

How do I even make sense of what I want for my future when everything has only started happening for me at 30 years old? I spent the entirety of my 20s in limbo, depressed, manipulated, and socially-challenged. Now I have everything I ever wanted back then and I'm not sure what to actually do with the remainder of my life.

tl;dr -- I went from being a 28 year old virgin with nothing, to a 30 year old in a stable relationship with everything I longed for back then. But I really don't know what I want for my future? Do I want kids? Marriage? How do I decide this?

Submitted June 17, 2019 at 04:27PM by Major_Coat http://bit.ly/2Fgv222