The title is really the TLDR. I don't know where else to turn to right now. As a warning this could turn into a long one.
We've married for over 10 years and have a young daughter who I love to the end of the world. I'm also the sole breadwinner in the family as my wife is disabled.
About a year ago we started couple's therapy and it seemed to go well. She had started accusing me of being emotionally abusive and I was confused as I never intended to hurt her emotionally or control her in any way but I believed her and entered therapy thinking I was doing something unintentional and wanted to stop. The first therapist was only available to us for 12 sessions and, like I said, it went well. On reflection I think this may have been because I took the approach going in that I was the abusive one albeit unintentionally. What I should have recognized as a sign that it was actually reversed was that even in therapy sessions I was to nervous to bring up the ways that she has hurt me. Also, as I've learned later, the abuser is usually the first to accuse and the victim is completely confused about what is going on.
I don't want to go into all details but most of are arguments mainly consisted of me apologizing to her for every perceived insult and slight. At this point I truly feel I have no friends; I haven't seen anyone socially in over 2 years. Any time I've had plans to see a friend something happens that is inevitably my fault and I end up cancelling at the last minute. I don't even respond to texts any more because I know it will just end with me having to say no to any invitations. She even tried to cancel Christmas with my family 2 hours before heading over and later suggested we never see them on holidays going forward. I get blamed for everything and I'm not allowed to make mistakes. In her mind sheis blameless in the marriage problems. She has also threatened to leave me more times than I can count and had threatened to take our daughter away.
A few months later we were back with another therapist we chose together. It didn't really start well because she didn't feel safe in therapy so at the suggestion of therapist #2 we met with with her individually. I felt I was getting a benefit from seeing therapist #2 and started seeing the behaviors from my wife towards me that were abusive. Therapist #2 also communicated to me that I am not an abuser. The way she explained it is that everyone in every relationship will commit abusive behaviors at some point but that this alone does not make you an abuser. She had this conversation with my wife as well, not even saying that my wife is abusive, and my wife fired her. Her started reason read that therapist #2 wasn't being honest but it appears the reason is that therapist #2 didn't tell her what she wanted to hear. I still see therapist #2 individually. I also started seeing a psychologist for a chronic neurological condition around this time. I'm so eternally grateful to both of them.
About a month after therapist #2 was fired, therapist #1 recommended an excellent therapist for us to see together. My psychologist knows her well and had told me she is truly an excellent and fearless therapist.
Things were going fairly well with therapist #3, after a few sessions my wife said she loved her. Therapist #3 has identified things that I can work on, which I have been. I'm not abusive but I also will never claim to be perfect. Then we had a session where we watched a video on unsafe relationships, it's the only video we've watched in a session. At the end therapist #3 said there may be hurt going in both directions. That based on listening only my wife was the one verbalizing being abused but based on body language that I was the one who looked abused. my wife barely spoke to me the rest of the day. Our next sessions went horribly with my wife barely talking.
A few weeks ago my wife me that she was seeing therapist #3 alone and that she booked another session the following week that either I could go alone or we could go together. My wife cane back from her solo session and said that therapist #3 basically spent the awhile time telling her to leave me. I chose to see therapist #3 alone which my wife looked pissed about when I told her my decision. I had no idea what to expect in my solo session but I knew I had to to her the abusive behaviors that I was suffering. Therapist #2 and my psychologist both encouraged me to do this. I started down this path for a few minutes when therapist #3 told me she knew I was the one being abused and advised that I talk to an attorney just to be ready. She doesn't think my wife will ever accept that she is the abusive one and will fire therapist #3 as soon as it's suggested. The next session went horribly with my wife barely talking and then finally stating that she didn't want to talk because every time she does that therapist #3 and I attack her which is not the case. She booked another solo session with therapist #3 to talk through any issues. Therapist #3 told her that she didn't believe that I'm abusing my wife and was promptly fired. The irony is that my wife said she was firing therapist #3 because she was choosing me over the therapist.
Ever since my first solo appointment I just haven't felt emotionally safe around my wife so I've tried to minimize time together. I had already moved into the guest room at her insistence. The thing is that she had been pressuring me for sex almost constantly and I just don't feel emotionally safe enough to engage in sex given the level of the emotional abuse that is still ongoing. Tonight she started the nightly refunded m tense conversation by among of I realized how long it has been since we've has sex. There is a history of her wanting more sex than I have. I'm realizing now that I didn't feel safe back then and that is why I wasn't interested even though I didn't realize that was the reason why.
She was trying to get me to say why I didn't wasn't to have sex and I told her I wasnt ready to talk about it, which I'm not. She kept pushing and pushing and just not accepting that I'm not ready to talk about it yet. I finally just had to leave the conversation which is not easy as she's very good at pulling me back into conversations I need to leave. Leaving one is how I ended up in the guest room, :f I'm going with this. I gutted it really just feels good to tell someone assuming that anyone read ago the way to the end. This whole situation just sucks and I don't have friends I can turn to for support.
Thank you to anyone who read to the end. I'm hoping we can work this out but I'm not optimistic. It just feels hopeless to me. It sucks.
Submitted March 28, 2019 at 10:12PM by burneracctwrandnum https://ift.tt/2V3ged7
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