It is with utter sadness And pain that I (25f) write this post. I grew up with a very insecure mom. In my early years, my brother and I were physically abused (there wasn’t too much of it) by my mom until my dad put a stop to it finally. My dad wasn’t around a lot because of the nature of his job.
I saw my parents fight very often. My mom (55f) would instantly bring up my dads ex girlfriend and fight with him about it. She would nag him and cry to me and my brother all the time about how she doesn’t feel loved. My brother and I pitied her. We were children and because our dad wasn’t around, we would believe that she was innocent, hurt and would blame our dad. My mom would say things like “you’re a pervert. A bastard. Your family is full of shit just like you” to my dad. We thought she was right in standing up for herself because of the hurtful things she’d claimed my dad had done to her.
Their fights and her constantly bullying my dad didn’t get any better as we grew older. She would throw tantrums but my dad would patiently deal with her. Eventually, my dad lost all of his friends, his family (she fought with all of his sisters and brothers and now no one talks to my dad and mom) and he lost something more important: his children.
The last time I called my dad, he begged me to call him everyday. I didn’t do that. Somehow we just grew apart.
As an adult, I grew up to be just like my mom. I m guilty of using manipulative techniques, saying mean and hurtful things, to all my boyfriends in my past relationships. No wonder I’ve been in so many failed relationships! 3 years ago, I finally moved out of my family, got a kick ass job and started living on my own. I realized that I was capable of being a very different woman. I am capable of loving, being compassionate and not using toxic language.
Therapy has helped me analyze my toxic behaviors and handle them. My boyfriend (27m), god bless his heart, has been extremely supportive of the whole journey.
Last night was the last straw with my mom. She has a habit of triggering me and my brother with our worst insecurities. She got mad at me for deciding to sell my car and said “Mike told you to do that? I’ve been with you for so many years and you met this mike 4 months ago and now you’re listening to him? How stupid are you? Mike will leave you sooner than Jason did”
I don’t know why but I have been crying since 4 am today. Crying about what my therapist told me. That in someways I’m exactly like her. Crying about how she’s made me feel like I’m unworthy of love. How controlling and manipulative she’s been. How she separated me from my father - a man I truly admire. I just feel so lost and helpless.
Tl;dr: Grew up with an insecure, abusive and crazy mom and it has made me a toxic person. I am weeping with regret, fear and I am helpless. Just needed to vent. Thanks for reading!
Edit: Mike only suggested I sell my car. He helped me make a budget as I might be moving to a more expensive city. Yes I did listen to him and I am giving up the car. Heck it’s my car. I bought it and if I want to sell it, I can sell it. She got mad because she thought she’d have to ride the bus when she visited me. My plan was to rent a car when she visited.
Submitted March 28, 2019 at 10:45AM by PalmsAreSweaty15 https://ift.tt/2CLKWQG
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