Me (28f) with my boyfriend (30m) of 1.5 years. I keep communicating a specific desire, and he keeps agreeing to it - and then he won’t do it. But my ask is about as basic as it gets.

Hi folks.

So my boyfriend and I have a great relationship. But what brought me here today is that he will very rarely go down on me. I know, that pops up on here a lot - and I always think “girl you deserve way better that guy is selfish in the bedroom.”

 

But I have a complexity. He had a traumatic experience that I won’t go into due to sub rules (and frankly don’t know much about, as I know it’s up to him when and if he chooses to disclose it.) So I never want to pressure him about sex, and the normal rules don’t apply. It isn’t related to this specific activity and he’s never linked it, but it’s just why I tiptoe and am careful about sex.

 

The problem is, when I mention that I would like oral or fingering - he says “oh yeah I would love to.” Then he won’t. Do. It. We are talking maybe once every couple months and only for a minute. It’s driving me nuts! He is not a selfish person in any other way. He’s affectionate and giving and caring and loving. But we keep talking about this, and he doesn’t say he isn’t comfortable or doesn’t want to or would rather do another form. He just agrees that “oh no I love doing it I’m into it.” Then will not. I ask beforehand and he says he will then he won’t. I ask in the moment (in a sexy way) and he always says “I just want to be inside you.” Ok. That is hot like one time but not every time!

 

And I don’t mean to paint a picture that I nag him, we are talking I mention it maybe once a month if that. It feels like he just wants to finish and if I finish great and if not oh well. He definitely isn’t comfortable going down on me after - which I am totally okay with, but it means once he finishes I either have to finish myself off or I’m SOL. And normally I do. But I feel like if he’d just do a little foreplay, I will finish. When he has, I finish WAY faster, the sex is better, you would think it would click like “oh, I should try that again” but no.

 

I brought it up again tonight and, apologies for my frustrated tone, I am still angry. I gently mentioned it and I asked if there is a taste thing, it won’t hurt my feelings I just want to know. He said no. I asked if he’d prefer fingering, he said no. I asked if HE likes to receive foreplay (another thing he was shy about for a very long time and I love doing but was very understanding, but now he’s all about it) and he said he does.

 

But he wasn’t really participating in the conversation in general just short one word answers and I was disappointed because he was just like “yeah” and clearly didn’t want to be discussing it. But it’s never a great or an easy time, and I chose a time when we’d specifically set aside time to address anything we wanted.

 

And i feel like I’m sitting here trying to have a conversation and yes it’s an awkward topic but we’ve talked about this like seven times and you will not change a thing!! I am at my wits end. I’m so frustrated. It drives me up the wall that he can say he wants to and then never do it. In my mind, if you say you’re down for something you are, and you express if you’re not. It makes it very difficult to feel like we are learning and understanding and growing when this happens. Every time we have sex I am losing a tiny bit of desire for the next time, and I have a high drive and interest! It feels though like he just wants to touch my breasts for about 20 seconds (something I’m ambivalent about) put it in, dirty talk, and finish. How can someone so understanding and down to discuss and work to improve our relationship be so selfish in bed? I’m honestly considering counseling.

 

I’ve also mentioned other things I want. Very directly. I have said multiple times, I want you to kiss down my neck and down my body. And he has not done it once. I have said it during dirty talk, during dirty texting, when we have had talks about things we’d like to try, I have shown him on his body, and he has not done it once. I know this is going to sound absurd but I’m starting to wonder if he could be gay. I never want to identify someone else’s sexuality but I think he must be at least bi, he has never identified that way (I asked) but watches gay porn sometimes and has had sex with a man a couple of times years ago. He said it was just okay and not really his thing and has only had sex with women since. He’s in a family that would be super accepting and he’s not religious or has any hangups about not being comfortable talking about it. He’s had several long term relationships with women and that seems to be his preference. He was bullied in school one year for people thinking he was gay, so I don’t feel comfortable just asking him. He’s also not someone you’d think was stereotypically gay, if that makes sense. As in, I don’t think it’s something friends are seeing and I’m not, but I recognize stereotypes are just that, stereotypes. I don’t mean the bury the lead if that really is it, I don’t know. I may just be being paranoid.

 

I also wonder if he’s self-conscious due to a lack of experience but I try and be really encouraging.

I’ve also noticed when I try and bring this up, he tries to have sex with me then. But I’m trying to have a serious conversation. Sometimes I’m down to, but the more it happens the more it feels like he’s just trying to “fix it right then” with one round of sex - but he doesn’t even go down on me! I didn’t want to tonight and I felt like he kept trying. I never say no, so maybe he’s just not used to it, but my body wasn’t responding and I was just moving his hand away. He stopped and a few minutes later was like does this feel good? And I was like I am not in the mood. And it feels like you keep trying, but I told him that when he’s not in the mood, which is a lot during the week, I of course always respect that and never push on it. I asked him how he would feel if I did, and he said he’d feel bad and that I could have just told him no. And he’s right, honestly I get uncomfortable saying “I don’t want to!” He used body language to indicate he’s not in the mood, so I followed that lead and just moved his hand away. I mean, we were in the middle of a serious discussion where he wasn’t giving me responses and it made me feel worse that he wanted to try and have sex with me then.

 

Can anyone give me advice on a. If I am going about this the wrong way and b. What are your suggestions on how I could word it better?

 

TL;DR; boyfriend won’t go down on me during sex, we’ve had multiple conversations where he’s all about the idea of it, but the actions don’t really match the words.

Submitted February 28, 2019 at 08:53PM by whatisloveduhduhduh https://ift.tt/2H8fLSM