I am 30 years old, nearing 31. My life from about 15-25 is pretty blurry. From 15-20 I had to compartmentalize due to really bad issues with anger and depression, and from 20-25 I had to compartmentalize because I was overwhelmed with school and was in another 5 year relationship that kind of screwed me up. I often feel that I am maybe 22-24 years old right now, and when I remember my actual age and stage in life, I realize that I am not where I want to be. My emotional age is right around there as well.
To get to the point I am trying to make, I have been with my girlfriend for over 5 years now. I am finally mentally getting to the stage where I am ready to start making long term commitments. She has been talking about marriage more than ever and pretty much saying she is getting frustrated with waiting. I still do not feel ready for that step, and I don't know when I will. I feel like my brain naturally just overreacts whenever anything in our relationship doesn't go ideally, and I cannot help it - pretty sure its due to how depression influences my thinking. We have a very small argument, or she is in a bad mood, or we don't do something I wanted to do will instantly turn into "yeah I knew it wasn't going to work all along." Its just a reflex. I do want to be married to her, but anytime I make momentum toward taking some step forward, an extremely minor (and normal) problem derails it for a few days.
My current upcoming life goals are to travel the world a little bit, get married, and have a kid. This is becoming an issue because it would work if I was in my early/mid 20's (how I feel). I got my Bachelors and Masters right after high school, then I went back to work in a field that I feel that I almost peaked at. I went back to school to get my MBA last year, and I will graduate when I am 32. My girlfriend just got accepted to a PhD program last night, and I am super proud of her and excited for her. But this throws off my timeline even more. She is 31, so she will graduate school when she is 35. We obviously cannot travel much while in school. 35 is getting kind of old to have a child. If we have a child, then we definitely cannot travel for awhile.
It feels like my timeline is totally screwed up. I am very depressed thinking back that I lost out on 10 years of my life because I sort of tuned out from life, and now that I recently checked back into the real world a few years back, I feel that I am out of time.
Does anyone have any advice for me? I just feel lost and overwhelmed at this point.
TL;DR:
From 15-25 of my life is a blur due to depression. Been with my girlfriend for 5 years. I am in school until I am 31, my girlfriend is in school until 35. I feel that we may be running out of time to have a kid, see the world, etc. I am terrified of getting married. I feel like I ran out of time in my life.
Submitted March 02, 2019 at 05:49AM by zolo912 https://ift.tt/2Tdd21L
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