i broke up with my partner of 5.5 years and now he's putting in the effort i was needing from him....... it's making me resent him

[tw: suicide, maybe abuse(?), extreme neglect, self-loathing]

my partner (26/m) and i (25/nb) were together for 5.5 years. met in undergrad, moved in together while i was in grad school, and have lived together ever since. he was the best partner i have ever had, and our relationship was happy and healthy for both of us for a really long time.

about a year ago, however, things started to get a little rocky; our sex lives dropped off, i started feeling like i was annoying him more than anything else, i became irritable with him over little things like not helping around the house or not wanting to go out, etc. as soon as i noticed there was a problem, i began talking to him about it.

"hey, we're not having sex that much any more, and when we do have sex it feels very one-sided.. can you please put more effort into pleasing me? what can i do to help initiate more?"

"i feel like we haven't been kinky in a while, and every time i bring up something i want to try, it's never the right time/you don't seem interested."

"i feel like i'm doing a lot of the chores around here, which is fine for the most part, but sometimes i wish you would at least take the dog out."

"i want to invite you to come out with me, but you always say no or when you do come out you pout the whole time and make me wish we'd just stayed at home."

all of these conversations went well-ish; he would start by telling me that "everything was fine" and that i "just have a negative attitude/mindset," but would eventually seem receptive and promise to change. then he would change for a day or a week, then go back to the same old shit. i began to question my own perceptions of what a "fine" or "good" relationship looked like.

i also began to notice that i was actively changing who i was and how i wanted to live because i thought that maybe he wasn't the problem; it was me! i stopped trying to go out as much and stayed home with him, even if i was bored out of my mind. he didn't like some of my eating/spending habits, so i stopped drinking sparkling water and wouldn't purchase makeup as often (or when i did purchase something, i would hide it so he wouldn't know i was spending money). these were things that i enjoyed, sure, but i also figured that if it was going to cause a rift between us to continue doing what i wanted, that it would be beneficial for our relationship if i didn't "make waves."

fast forward to september 2018, where i found myself in the hospital for 5 days after attempting suicide for (what i thought at the time were completely) unrelated reasons. he visited me whenever he was allowed, brought me things that he knew would comfort me, held me when i finally came home and didn't rush me to go back to work, etc. he was really supportive, and i was thinking "maybe i've been wrong this whole time, maybe he still cares and real, adult relationships are just overall less fun than college flings." this was the last shred of hope i had left in me.

fast forward to november 2018, my birthday and thanksgiving come and go, things are seeming more "normal" again - we're annoying each other and irritable and i'm back to feeling like maybe we need to break up. the final straw was when i had a job interview for something i was really excited about (my current job is my greatest stress rn), he told me in the car on the way there that he didn't understand why i couldn't just keep my current job and get over whatever negativity i'm holding onto. mind you, feeling trapped and overworked at my current job is what landed me in the hospital just two months prior. and he was dampening my mood on a new opportunity for me! "oh, no.." i thought, "he is holding me back more than helping me grow."

i broke up with him on december 21, 2018. almost a week has gone by, and yesterday i had to kick him out of my house. i hadn't planned to kick him out before he had a solid place to stay; i don't hate him and was prepared to be civil about this whole thing, but he has pissed me off and hurt me so much in the last week. it feels like every little thing i've asked him to change in the last year is suddenly a huge priority for him - he's created a fetlife account (which he wouldn't do for me) and is actively exploring kinks that are important to me/he expressed little interest in; he started working out and wanting to walk the dog with me; he started cooking for both of us and cleaning the house; he tried talking to people at work and trying to make plans to hang out with this other couple together; he began texting me during his down-time at work and actively taking an interest in my day; he even invited me out to lunch yesterday and we sat at the bar (never an option before).

by the time our meal was done yesterday, i was fuming! how dare he go down this laundry-list of things i had nagged him about (and then hopelessly ceased nagging him about) over the last year within seconds of me leaving him!? was i just not good enough to deserve the effort of a real relationship anymore?? i feel awful, like i poured my entire heart and soul into trying to get us back to the way things were, but he didn't want anything to do with me.. now that he's free from me, though, he can go back to being his fun and loving self, the man i knew and loved when we got together, the man i needed him to be!! i feel guilty for being mad and hating him for this, but at the same time????? what the fuck,,,, i feel so worthless and undeserving of a relationship or love. i have no idea how to end this post other than???????? am i crazy???

tl;dr: i broke up with my partner of 5.5 years a week ago and ever since then he's been parading around/practically shoving in my face that he's doing all the things i wanted him to improve on while we were together. it has me feeling depressed, but more than anything it's pissing me off.. am i crazy for feeling this resentment?

edit: i feel like it's important to also mention that after we left the restaurant yesterday, i told him i was feeling this way and he told me that "the shock of us breaking up has allowed [him] to make the changes that [he] needs to." which is all fine and good but also???? too little too late?????? and yeah, i ended up asking him to go find a hotel or something until he has a new place because i couldn't stand to look at him being all perfect and shit anymore.

edit 2: nb = non-binary; my pronouns are they / them / theirs. they are going through a rough breakup. i want to give them helpful advice. this relationship wasn't theirs to save alone. thank you!

Submitted December 27, 2018 at 10:20AM by bpdsloth http://bit.ly/2SjuoFn