I (20sF) am questioning my fiancé’s (30sM) honesty and commitment to our relationship - he may have cheated... Please help

My fiancé and I have a pretty solid relationship, or at least I thought we did. We’ve been together almost a year now but we’ve known each other for a long time. Maybe we jumped into things too fast, I don’t know. The first 6 months of our relationship were amazing and basically perfect, we rarely fought or disagreed and when we did disagree we were always able to talk/work through things in a respectful way that made me feel that we both truly valued our relationship. He’s absolutely my best friend.

In July of this year we moved in together and a week or so after we moved in together I found out that the girl he had been telling me was his best and oldest friend was also his FWB for months leading up to our relationship. I was pretty devastated. Not because he had a past before me, that’s fine, but because I thought we had an amazing, open, honest relationship and finding out that he’d been dishonest about his past with her made me feel kind of lied to.

This shook us a lot, but we talked through it and we moved forward. He told me that he hadn’t slept with her since we got together and hadn’t seen her either and he told me that because of the nature of their relationship he was going to cut contact with her so I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable. This was all in July/August.

We got engaged earlier this month and I was absolutely thrilled to be marrying my best friend until this past weekend. He got a new phone and in the process of trying to help him back up his old phone and sync it with his new phone, I saw texts between the two of them. I shouldn’t have looked as thoroughly as I did, I totally acknowledge and admit that.

I discovered that even though he told me he was going to cut contact, he continued to text her in the days after that. He eventually did stop talking to her but wasn’t totally honest about how quickly. I guess that’s ok, they were friends for a long time and I get it. He made me out to be a total ass though, and allowed her to tell him what an “immature, insecure, jealous piece of shit” I was and he said nothing to defend me. I don’t care what he’s done, I would never let someone talk about him like that. He also did see and spend time with her in the time that we were dating, he was even hitting her up for sex in the first month of our relationship (before we were exclusive).

When I tried to talk to him about this he acknowledges that he wasn’t honest about his contact with her but insists that he “doesn’t recall” ever seeing her all of the times that the texts say that they met up. I mean they explicitly say “hey, I’m stopping at (grocery store) need anything?” “no, I’m good thanks.” “Hey, I’m here :P” but he insists he doesn’t remember hanging out with her.

This is a man who literally remembers everything down to the exact date it happened. He can tell you the dates of every major and insignificant thing he’s ever done in his life, but he doesn’t remember if he saw her? I just can’t believe it, and I can’t help but think that if he’s lying about seeing her, he probably slept with her again.

Reddit, I feel like I’m being a total ass, but right now I can’t look at him the same way anymore. He is the sweetest person I know but would text her things like “I miss you❤️” and “going over to AngryBlumpkin’s place tonight, probs just gonna do dinner and fuck ;)” and make me out to be just a hookup when we were in a serious, committed (so I thought) relationship. I don’t know who this person is but I can’t help but think that if this is his oldest friend, his interactions with her are probably a better reflection of the kind of person he is.

Am I being totally crazy? I've been in some really terrible emotionally/physically abusive relationships in the past, I have trust issues and my sketchy gauge is all messed up. I'm struggling to figure out whether I'm being totally unreasonable or he is really being sketchy. It's worth mentioning that it doesn't look like he's had any contact with her since September of this year.

TLDR; Boyfriend, now fiancé, sent inappropriate/flirty texts to an old friend he used to sleep with while we were dating, potentially met up with her even though he told me they hadn’t hung out since we started dating, and says he “doesn’t recall” whether they ever met up. I feel like he’s not the man I agreed to marry now, am I being crazy?

Update: Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond and give me input, I really appreciate it. A couple things, he isn’t 10+ years older, just 4. I was being vague because he knows I frequent r/relationships. I realize I’m crazy for moving in and getting engaged so quickly, we’ve known each other for 10+ years so at the time it didn’t seem like such a mistake, I realize now that it was. I’m currently holding off on planning any wedding and we are both going to individual and couples counseling. I know you all (mostly) think I should dump him and while I don’t disagree, I’ve agreed to ATTEMPT to work this out in therapy with him. I’ve made it clear however that I’m not promising to stay and won’t hesitate to leave. I’m not sure what here we could resolve in therapy honestly but maybe being in a more neutral environment will help him explain himself better and help me get a clearer picture of who he really is. Maybe. Thanks again everyone.

Submitted December 26, 2018 at 12:02PM by AngryBlumpkin http://bit.ly/2AbsaB9