For years, my [35F] husband [37M] said that if I want stability in our life, I have to make it happen. I did. And now things are worse than ever. Help?

I'm writing partly to sort all this out in my head and partly for outside perspectives - I don't even know what to think anymore. Again, I'm happy to explain any details that need fleshing out if it helps. I'll try to be concise and I truly appreciate you reading.

9 months ago, I posted asking for help about my frustration with going back to work after my husband burned-out in his career (previous post in my history). For the sake of anonymity, I tried to be vague with the details and many thought our work was on the dodgy side. I don't care about keeping it anonymous... all these factors are relevant. I'm an author - I self-published books and made a decent living doing it for several years. My husband is a software developer and mainly buys existing online companies, and fixes them up to sell. When that's not working, he tries to work a 'normal' 9-5, but typically lasts no more than 6 months. His last attempt was 1 day. My career before this was in the food industry, which means crap pay, long hours and very sore feet.

I got a job that pays 95% of the bills (the rest is covered by savings). Yeah, I'd rather be working for myself, but I like it. I'm good at it. It's the first time I actually enjoy going to work. For the last few months, I've been slowly changing and it feels like my husband and I are drifting apart. At first I thought it was a natural phase, things will definitely feel different compared to working under the same roof all day and night. Now... I don't know. From the previous thread:

He says, “If you want those things, then make them happen.” Which, fair enough. I completely agree with. I don’t want to rely on him to provide the life I want, however it leaves me feeling a combination of emotions I can’t really put a word to. I find myself going through mental exercises of, “What would I do in this situation if I were single? How would I support myself?” and I start to feel resentful. I’m NOT single. I’m married. And not only that, I'm not sure I CAN make enough money to support us.

I AM making enough money to support us and if feels good. It's given me confidence in a way I haven't had before. But, it's also made something glaringly obvious in our relationship... we disagree on just about everything AND we have very little in common.

I'm happy to work on my writing on the side while I work. He thinks I've given up on our dream and have settle for a world (the 9-5, M-F world) he is loathe to spend time in. He sold his business and is still figuring out what he wants to do next. I want to buy a flat in the city. He wants to move to the country, or use our savings to travel or live remotely. I want to settle for a while and make friends. He thinks there's plenty of time for that in the future. I want to make our home cosy and put up decorations like photos and artwork. While he likes it, he thinks of it all as just pointless stuff we shouldn't waste money on. I could go on, but you get it. It feels like literally everything I like, he hates.

I've also realized that most of the moves, most of the big big decisions were things I went along with. I'm not saying he bullied me or anything, just that I didn't feel too strongly one way or the other, so tended to go with what he wanted. Of course we talked about it, but it rarely was me pulling in the bulk of the income so I didn't feel like I had much of a say. Now I feel strongly about a life direction and have the ability to make it happen, and I feel... guilty? He says I've changed, that he's the same as he's been, wants the same things he's always wanted. This is me altering the situation, which I agree with. But it's not like it's this massive bait and switch plan. Our entire marriage I've talked about settling down... I'm rambling.

Here's the way I see it. We both love each other and genuinely want to make the other happy, which is why over 10 years, we've both compromised on choices that go against what we individually want. He goes to work for a little while so I can have a semi-stable home. I bounce around the world with him so he can discover himself and his career. But our tolerance for these periods have become too short to manage. He physically can't work for another person. I want to scream when I think about packing up my stuff and starting over again. Have we just spent so much of our marriage being distracted by the exciting newness of moving and pushing for financial independence, we didn't notice how little we have in common otherwise? I can't help but feel like this is on me - not my fault, per se, but on my shoulders. I'm the one rocking the status quo and if I want things to balance out, it's up to me to adjust my expectations.

TL;DR – Things in my marriage have shifted drastically since I started working again. For years, my husband said that if I want stability in our life, I have to make it happen. I did. And now things are worse than ever.

Submitted November 01, 2018 at 02:13PM by 10yearperspective https://ift.tt/2P2nkzv