My husband (29M) and I (26F) are newly married--just got married this year. We've been together for 7 years total.
I should be having the time of my life as a newlywed, but instead, I feel utterly alone and, honestly, uncared for. I can't decide how much is my mental state and how much is fact. I need a little perspective here.
Please keep in mind that this is my perspective and my husband's might look very different. I know dealing with a partner that has anxiety and depression can be terrible.
Some background: We moved to a new state after our wedding. I have a history of anxiety and depression. It's been under control for years but for the last few months, I've slowly slid into a depressive state.
I don't have many friends that I speak to regularly. My job is pretty dull so I don't feel very stimulated or important there. I've gotten to know a few people in the area but I see them maybe once or twice a month. I'm trying to concentrate on hobbies and other things as well, but it's been difficult as I feel less motivated. As I've continued to feel more depressed, I've also started withdrawing socially, drinking more alcohol, and generally telling myself that no one wants to hear from me and that I'm a complete and utter waste of space as a person.
Recently, I'm even starting to withdraw from my husband.
I've started having suicidal ideations in the last couple of weeks. Some days, the thoughts are intrusive. These feelings are temporary and I'll never act on them. I'll make it to the other side. But it's exhausting.
I've reached out to some mental health professionals in the area so I can start to fix this. I should have done this when we first moved and been proactive. That's on me for letting it go on for this long. I've also landed a new job that will be more challenging and mentally stimulating. I start in January.
I also started to consciously cut back on my alcohol consumption because I need to be in control of my thoughts and mindset right now. We've both been drinking more since we moved here, partially because the restaurants here are great, partially out of boredom.
All of this is to say, I know there's work to be done here on my end and I'm trying to do that work.
Our Issue: I've told him a little bit about my depression, but I don't feel safe telling him about the ideations, for reasons you'll see below. I've told him I'm going to a therapist and he's supportive but keeps the conversations pretty superficial.
The biggest issue for me is how we talk about sex. We've been having sex less and less. Maybe once a week if I'm lucky. When we do, I usually initiate and it feels like he just isn't present. We always do the same routine. I'm always the one that changes things up and I'm just tired of doing it.
When we do have sex, half of the time he has his eyes closed and doesn't even look at me. He often cums quickly, apologizes, and then leaves me hanging. When we do foreplay and he's working on me, he just seems super checked out.
I want more sex sure, but honestly, I just want more satisfying sex where we're both present and involved. Maintenance sex is a thing in long-term relationships and that's fine but this has been going on pretty much since we moved here.
When I try to talk to him about any of these feelings I'm having around sex, he barely responds. Some examples: I mentioned that I wasn't happy with how little we've been having sex and I asked him what I could do to help change that, if he was still attracted to me, etc. He said he also wanted to have more sex and was still attracted to me but just didn't say anything else. Another time, I asked if he wanted to try anything new and he had no answers. Another time, I also asked why he never gives me oral and when I tried to talk to him about it, he just said that it's "not his favorite thing, but he'll try to do it more."
In these conversations, I get lots of yes or no answers and long pauses, like he's thinking about the right thing to say. Lots of him seeming like he doesn't want to have the conversation or deal with me.
There are never any next steps to these conversations and they just make me feel worse. I fill the silences with my worst fears and anxieties--and I feel like it's slowly killing the relationship. I feel like I'm closing off as a defense. I'm just too tired to try and keep having one-way conversations and be the only one putting myself out there emotionally.
This is why I don't want to talk to him about my ideations. I'm worried it will just make me feel worse.
I've tried many different ways of communicating with him about our problems and none of them are successful. I've been neutral, I've been gentle, I've been friendly, I've been crying, I've been angry, you name it. Nothing seems to get any deep or meaningful response from him.
Where I stand now: I've been emotionally withdrawing because of all of this. He's noticed and seems to find it frustrating.
I oscillate between feeling like I'm needy and crazy and need to lighten up, to feeling like he just being selfish. I think the truth lies somewhere in the middle. But, consistently, I feel resentful and so fucking alone.
At least three days a week for the past month, I've been crying over this feeling of distance--whether it's in a bathroom, closet, or in my office with the door closed. I don't think he knows.
We always had a little bit of difficulty talking about sex before our marriage, but we always made our way through it. We definitely didn't have trouble talking about other things.
If you read this far, thank you. I needed to write this out.
With all of this being said, any suggestions on how I can communicate better and help this situation? I love my husband and (despite my complaints) he's a good man but I can't keep doing this.
TL;DR Since we got married and moved to a new state, it feels like there's this wall between myself and my husband. I don't know what to do about it aside from working on myself and my mental health. Any suggestions on how I can communicate better?
Submitted November 22, 2021 at 01:28PM by Firm_Transition9455 https://ift.tt/3cDHYzp
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