My husband (29) wants to reconnect with an old friend (31f) he admitted to having an emotional affair with, a year after the fact.

She lives on the other side of the country and always has. They were intense long-distance friends in high school and had a fling for one week in college. He wanted a relationship, she didn’t. They parted ways and married other people within 18 months.

Almost a decade passed with the normal amount of contact between old friends—Christmas cards, birthday gifts, public interactions on Facebook, and the 2-3 hour phone call once or twice per year to catch up. With the pandemic, she lost her job and became depressed and there was an uptick in contact. They started having long phone calls, reminiscing about childhood and discussing the challenges of early-onset midlife crises. We live near Yellowstone, so she and her husband decided to come visit as a Covid-safe vacation and we offered them a place to stay.

Her husband and I (both 30) were both working remotely, so she and my husband would take long outings with our toddler to help keep the house quiet. We all seemed to get along, they were model house guests, and I didn’t think too much of it when they extended their trip.

Well, while I was in the other room with her husband making drinks for a tiny get together, the only other guest walked in on her and my husband making out. My husband came to me within minutes, “mostly” sober and looking like someone had died. He said she “started” it (which she later confirmed), confessed that the “emotional affair” had been building for the few weeks she’d been in our home, he honestly didn’t know with what intentions she had reinserted herself into his life, that she was always the one who got away, but that he had committed to me and was in it for the long haul and he was sorry. Her husband was crushed, having never been told the past relationship had ever crossed the line into sex.

We found them another place to stay, set a strict no-contact rule, and got into marriage counseling immediately, where my husband and I figured out we were both dealing with postpartum depression. I got medicated and we both have made a lot of personal strides. Though I had basically forgiven him on the spot, I realized that I was more hurt than I originally thought, and as I learned more about the nature of their relationship (like the fact they discussed very intimate details of our marriage and she had convinced him we should stop trying for another baby), I felt more and more violated.

It’s been almost a year and my husband and I are closer than ever. It was a real growing experience, and for that I’m relieved and thankful. Now they want to resume the relationship the way it was before she visited. I’m uncomfortable with that idea, and our therapist voiced my concerns without me needing to say them first. But I also don’t want to be the bad guy. I know they bonded over childhood traumas and she’s not a person who readily makes more friends, and building new bonds in your 30s is hard. I also don’t think the many years of casual contact was problematic, and I believe them when they say the shift didn’t happen until they were spending excessive time alone in person together.

All that said, I’m four months pregnant and struggling with anxiety and depression. When he told me today that she texted asking when they can talk, I felt my heart rate skyrocket. I’m not a jealous person. In fact, I’m probably too trusting. I hate seeing broken hearts, but I also don’t even know if the relationship is good for either of them.

It’s there a sensible compromise? Are Christmas cards and family zoom calls an acceptable level of contact? Or do I just put my foot down and say it’s more stress on me and the kids than it’s worth and they can both find new friends?

We have a counseling appointment this week and will hash it out with a professional. I’m just curious to get some feedback. Not too many IRL friends know what happened, and that’s probably for the best.

Submitted June 03, 2021 at 09:48PM by UpbeatBiscotti7 https://ift.tt/3vX8XxS