My girlfriend (F28) and I (M32) have broken up after 6 months so she can do couples therapy with her ex-husband.

I am writing this mainly because I have no one to talk to about it and hope that by writing it out I am able to find a bit of solace and closure without it eating at me inside. I apologize for the long post.

This girl and I matched on tinder early December 2020. We chatted for about two weeks and had a lot in common, looking for similar things, and agreed to meet up for a walk. We met at the boardwalk along the water to walk under the Christmas lights and decorations with my dog. I picked up hot chocolates from Starbucks on my way there. We walked and talked for about 3 hours and it was great. Instant chemistry. I didn't go for a kiss as this was a first time meeting, not quite a real date. We left separately, agreeing to get together again soon.

I've always disliked the "rules of dating" like don't message for three days after a first date so you don't seem desperate. I went home and, after about an hour, messaged her saying I really enjoyed our walk and I thought about going for a kiss but wasn't sure if I should so I left it. She said she thought the exact same thing. So I invited her to my house for dinner and a movie the next night and she agreed. She came over, I made a nice dinner, we had a great time cuddling and some smooching. I had never felt such an instant connection with someone before.

Now I had never dated anyone during a pandemic before, so COVID dating was unlike any relationship I had ever been in before. But it was amazing. We saw each other basically every day as rules at this point were "a single-person household could only visit one other household." But we wanted to see each other every day. Once in a while I would tell her I needed a day to myself (somewhat an introvert and socializing constantly can exhaust me), but two hours later I would be messaging her asking what she was up to and if she wanted to do dinner.

We would talk about everything and got to know a lot about each other very fast due to spending so much time together. We talked about exes, and she only had 1 ex. They were together for almost 9 years since she was 18. They grew into adults together, went through a lot of traumatizing things together, had gotten married, had two dogs together, etc. Without getting into too much detail, she did something bad, he kicked her out, and exaggerated what she did to make it sound so much worse to her family and friends. Turns out, that only happened about 7 months before we met. They were legally separated, but not divorced. She was attending therapy to help with her own issues after all of this went down and would tell me about her sessions, her story, and any other problems she was having. I was always happy to listen, even when the conversation was about her ex-husband and everything that came with it. I tried to make myself a neutral third party to listen to her. I would ask her if she wanted my opinion or if she was simply ranting and needed a listener. We would be completely open and honest with each other without hurting any feelings.

About three months ago, her ex approached her with the idea of couples therapy as a way to openly discuss things between them in a neutral space where they would get the chance to be heard. But there was a problem: She was dating me, and her ex was also dating someone new. The therapist they met with told them both that to approach couples therapy, neither of them could be in a relationship. She came to me to talk, saying that she wanted to do the therapy but didn't want to lose me in the process. I told her if this is something she wants and feels like she needs, then she should do it regardless of what it means for us for now. Her ex though decided he wasn't ready to break up with his new girlfriend, so it fell through... Until two weeks ago.

She had finally told him she was done with him and moved any last small items from his house out to her new rental. That if he couldn't make up his mind and choose her/therapy over a new girlfriend then it was over. She was ready to focus and put her attention to me and our relationship.

The NEXT DAY, he texts her while she and I are at my house watching Netflix together that he is at her place. She goes home, and he is there saying that he broke up with the new GF and that he was ready to give therapy a go. After a few hours, she comes back to my house and tells me everything they talked about. That she feels like not only does she want to do this so she knows she gave a 9 year relationship every chance to succeed, she also needs it as her only individual therapy won't help as much with moving on and closure as this can. At this point in our relationship I am in love with this woman and there are glimpses of moments where I can tell she loves me, so obviously this conversation destroys me. I tell her the same thing I had before, that "if she feels like she needs this to grow as a person and she can't put her all in our relationship with this looming over her, go for it. Do it. But this is the second time she was willing to break up with me for her ex, and I'm not going to wait around to see what happens." She understands, and neither of us want to move. We both want to be a part of the others life still. So what do we do?

We agree to try to be friends. I tell her she has my full support in going to therapy and I will do my very best to try to just be friends as I don't want to completely lose her either. Not ideal, but better than nothing. I say if she ever needs someone to talk to I will be there to listen as a friend. BUT I also tell her that after everything she went through and had told be about her ex, if she ends up back together with him I can't be around. I won't support that. She understands.

Fast forward to a couple days ago. We are hanging out in the backyard with my dog just talking about whatever. She tells me their first therapy session is on Tuesday the 29th. Through the conversation, I learn that her and her ex have been "getting to know each other again after a year." She told me they had a date night to watch a hockey game, and this upsets me. I said it hurt to know that after 6 months of dating she broke up with me to go to therapy, and after only another week she was ok going on dates with her ex. Like I didn't really matter. I was upset that she couldn't even wait for their first therapy session to happen before they tried "dating" again. I've since told her that I can't be around and be friends if she is dating the guy. I still have strong feelings for her, and it doesn't seem to matter to her. She says she never meant for any of this to happen or for me to get hurt, but hopes we can still be friends because she cares about me and that we are able to talk about anything and everything openly without judgement.

I don't know what to do. This is the first time in my life I had dated someone that I genuinely saw a future with. I want to be supportive for her because a lot of her old friends flaked on her when her ex-husband exaggerated what happened between them. But it is so hard to know she doesn't have the same feeling for me as I do her, and even harder to know she is trying to make things work with another man, let alone her ex-husband I know so much about.

Do I tough it out as an adult and be a supportive friend for someone I care about?

Or do I cut ties with her, telling her if things don't move forward with a romantic relationship between her and her ex then we can continue to be friends then?

Both options suck.

TL;DR: Girlfriend and I broke up so she can do couples therapy with her ex-husband, either for closure or to fix things in their relationship and give it one last shot to make it work. Should I try to be supportive as a friend, or cut ties? Both options are hard and hurt.

Thanks.

Submitted June 27, 2021 at 04:35PM by FirstTimeDMing https://ift.tt/3x4eXWf